Kr.An.Ke Mommy

Male Bonding

2011-05-11T22:23:00.000-06:00

After dropping Jordyn off at school, I came home to find this cuteness in my bed.

So sweet.

My How Things Have Changed

2011-01-31T08:05:00.003-07:00

Did you ever read through an old journal of yours only to realize that you don't recognize the person that you were then? That's how flipping through this blog has been for me this morning.

When I left this blog, I was dresses and skirts ONLY, considering wearing a headcovering full-time, and thought that the only place a woman belonged was in the house. So much has changed, and yet, I'm still the same.

One of my favorite things about God is how He works on us. As we read and study our Bible, new things are revealed to us; out of our obedience we follow them, sometimes blindly. There is always a balance to be had between unfettered growth and pausing to hear the Lord's voice, between growing stagnant and jumping into large changes with minimal amounts of information. So it was for me. I felt like my life had lost its purpose, or at least what purpose I saw, I didn't understand because it held little so little value to me. I dove deeper to find my purpose and along the way, came across some very strange notions- things I have never even considered before.

One of them was that women should only wear dresses or skirts. At first, I thought this was insane. Why on earth would you confine a person to wearing a particular outmoded garment just based on their gender? Then, I began to look around and more importantly, I began to read the opinions of other women who had dealt with this issue, almost all of them had turned to "dresses only." As I looked around me, I began to see that it did make sense, that women should be easily recognizable as feminine. I threw out the pants and made (poorly) some skirts to wear. The transition was difficult, but in time, I grew to love my skirts. I got better at sewing and I really did love the idea of looking pretty and feminine all the time. Now, three years later, my principle has stayed the same, but my application has changed. I do think that women should attempt to put an effort into evaluating both the modesty and femininity of their outfits. I think that dresses and skirts should play a much larger role in my wardrobe. Jeans make me lazy. It is too easy to pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and call myself dressed. Now, I own one pair of jeans and quite a few skirts. When I get my body back (since Andrew is holding it hostage for another couple of weeks), I intend to update my wardrobe with some nicer looking, feminine clothing. Pants still play a role, but I think that my focus needs to be on looking feminine. [For more information about why I actually made the transition, including the verses I used to back up my decision, feel free to browse my archives.]

One of the other things I found were whole communities of conservative Christian believers who wore headcoverings or pursued a simple lifestyle. My battle with headcovering still goes on in my head every once in a while. The thing is, I have never heard an argument that convinced me that headcovering was unnecessary, but I have heard several that have convinced me to cover. That being said, I don't cover my hair- why? Because, I am honoring my husband and respecting his headship in this matter. That is what covering your head is all about- to show proper order. God to Jesus to man to woman- see 1 Corinthians 11. Eric does not want me to wear a headcovering right now, but should his opinion on the subject change one day, I will gladly submit to his authority.

The simple life is even easier. As I searched for "like-minded people" that both desired their women to wear skirt and headcovers, I found these staunchly religious people who believed that God wanted them to deny many of the current conventions of our society and live an agrarian lifestyle, as close to the land as possible. I admit, that this too, held some allure for me. I felt like my life was going nowhere and thought that this big change was going to be the ticket. I was ready to pack up and move to Texas to camp out while Eric built our house from scratch and raise chickens and farm and use an outhouse. Thankfully, Eric refused. I still have some lingering ideas from this study. I believe that, as Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the earth, which means not wasting our natural resources and not harming the planet when there are better ways. I will eat organic food as my budget allows and I am planning on using cloth diapers (and transition to other cloth products instead of typical paper disposables like tissues, paper towels, and napkins). I would LOVE to have chickens in my backyard and grow some of my own produce. I think this is fun and is mainly a way to help my family live like good stewards while actually saving some money for the family.

As for women staying in the home...well that has changed too, but it is the hardest battle I have fought. I do think that women should be the "keepers at home" that we read about in Titus. However, I am also beginning to think that staying at home and keeping the home are different. Despite the fact that I will have a young baby this fall, I am still planning on going back to school to finish my degree. For our family, this is a financial decision. The VA is paying for me to go back to school so for our family, this is the best choice. I won't have this ability for long. I would love to go back to homeschooling my kids and staying at home, but for now, I am learning how to be the most efficient homemaker possible so that when I am forced to leave the house, I am ready for it.

So much change, so much study, only to change again. I think that God puts me into different positions to consider them carefully and to learn to rely on Him and His word above the conventions of society or whatever feels good or right to me. Sometimes, that has taken me down a crazy rabbit trail, but at the beginning and end, I see God. Lately, I've been seeing how I've become judgmental of people who have not made some of these choices. God has been revealing to me how "un-Godlike" that is in me- that it is, plain and simple, sin. I have a feeling that God is not done with me yet. That's good. My purpose in life is clearer, to be the best wife and mother as I possibly can, to serve God and my family with my whole heart, no matter where I may be, and to glorify God in my actions and point people toward Him.

I am still blogging (infrequently) at my other blog: http://krankemommy.wordpress.com, so check me out there if you want.

I'm Moving...

2009-10-20T15:30:00.000-06:00

Good-bye Blogger...Hello Wordpress!!!

My new site is http://krankemommy.wordpress.com and I am moving for one major reason: I love to journal, but often times journalling should be a private affair. Blogger doesn't give me the option to differentiate between my posts (private and public) so it's off to wordpress. I have transferred most of my archives to the new website, so feel free to browse them. I will be continuing to adjust their format (some of the paragraphs didn't transfer over) as well as updating some content, especially the links.

Blogger has been home for a long time, I didn't even know that other "weblog" sites existed, but I am excited about learning more about Wordpress.

Dressing for the Summer

2009-08-01T08:06:00.000-06:00

So here we are, the first day of August, summer is in full bloom and women who would otherwise dress modestly are finding excuse after excuse to not wear beautiful, long, flowing garments. I think the heat issue boils down to what is socially acceptable. In the 1800s, when they had a scorching week (like those in the Pacific Northwest have been having lately) they had no alternative. They couldn't strip out of their clothes and run around half-naked so they had to figure out what to do to keep themselves cool. They could stay out of the sun, wear light colored clothes, wear a hat, and stay well hydrated. They had the joy in knowing that this too shall pass while they fanned themselves with homemade fans and ate things that cooled them off.

Today, when it gets warm, we think we need to remove clothing, because it is socially acceptable to do so. This way, we don't need to be as inconvenienced by the seasons. Unlike the extremely seasonal lives of our ancestors, our lives run year-long, not offering any variation based on the season. We are spoiled by air conditioning and heating systems as well as our recreational activities.

We assume that the only way to cool down is to remove clothing (or wear less of them)- that it is the inherent properties in clothing that are making us overly warm. This isn't always the case though. Think about it, have you ever sat in a car wearing something black? I have, I was wearing a new black skirt and the sun was shining right on my lap and I was frying. My mother offered me her white sweater and I refused saying it would just make me hotter. However, eventually I gave in and you know what? It made me cooler! Adding a white layer actually reflected the sun enough that I could feel a difference. There is a reason that you see women's clothing from older time periods in white. We rarely wear white these days, even pastels aren't really "in fashion" but for summer clothes, white is essential. Now, I am a plus sized woman and the thought of draping myself in white is not appealing, so for now, I try to stick to cotton because it breathes, and as light a color as I dare to go, especially on top. It really does help!

AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER!!! Sweat is your body's own air conditioning, if you are not hydrated, it doesn't work. Common sense applies even if you are wearing tank tops and cut-offs or a beautiful flowing dress- stay out of the sun and keep covered when you are in the sun!!!

What to Wear?

2009-07-30T11:39:00.000-06:00

Dressing for a Walk

I have been following Lady Lydia's blog, Living at Home, for a long time but lately she has been doing a series on modest and feminine clothing reflected in older artwork and how to apply that to our daily wardrobes. It has been an excellent source of inspiration for me. I have always been dependent on current fashion to dictate both the style and fabric. I thought that I was choosing things that I liked, but really, I wasn't. Now I have several dresses to make with less than thrilling fabric, but that's okay. They are still nice and will be pretty.

So with the school year coming up, even though we are still smack dab in the middle of summer, I have been trying to figure out what dresses I am going to make for fall and winter. I will probably start with a summer weight dress, but only one. I also need to be sewing for my daughter too. Basically, I have enough sewing to keep me busy for a long time!

Here is my sewing list:

Daughter (Jordyn):

2 Summer dresses for her birthday in August

2 Corduroy dresses for fall/winter

2 Cotton long-sleeve dresses

2 Full slips

5 pairs of modesty shorts/capris

2 knee length bloomers out of flannel

3 winter nightgowns

WHEW!!!

Self:

Brown skirt (already cut out)

Blue skirt

2-3 Blouses

1 Summer Dress

3 Fall/Winter Dresses

3 Full slips

1 Half slip

5 Pairs of bloomers

1-2 Pairs of flannel bloomers

3 Nightgowns

Among all of that, I have several little projects, a handbag (or two or three...), these cute crayon roll-up bags, a couple of stuffed animals and dolls for Christmas gifts and I would also like to make my children each a new quilt for their bed for Christmas. Yes, I am already thinking about what to do for Christmas. I don't know if we'll do Santa Claus this year. It really disturbs me that I am required to do a substantial amount of lying to my children just for the "fun" of it, but we'll see what the husband thinks. Feel free to weigh in on the topic.

I suppose what I am trying to say is: I have a ton of sewing to do!! I love reading progress reports, so I will probably try to post some as well, with pictures. I doubt that those items will be enough to get us completely through the winter, but it shouldn't be too difficult to make a dress here or there once I've gotten into a good routine. I am still looking for an easier dress pattern to make for my daughter (with no buttons or zippers) because I am rarely buying everything for the dress in one stop and I don't like having to wait to find matching buttons or zippers. It's much easier if the pattern is just simple! I just found this one, which comes with two different sleeve options and looks easy.

She Reads a Letter at Her Dressing Table

What I really need now is to carve out some time in my schedule to sew. It shouldn't be terribly difficult because of my current living situation, but it will require me to sacrifice nights lounging around the TV and most likely, my sacrosanct naptime as well. Hopefully, it will be worth it in the end, to know that I have created two wardrobes for my family and moved on to the Christmas gifts...

Fun Challenges

2009-07-20T01:22:00.000-06:00

In church today we discussed "perfection" using the first few verses of James 1. That whole notion of counting it all joy when you face trials and tribulation wasn't what I wanted to hear this morning (err, yesterday morning...it's late!) but it was, as always, a well-timed sermon. So speaking of challenges, despite the constant turmoil of living here, which I know is producing good fruit in my life through the working of the Holy Spirit, I have decided to attempt two different challenges.

The most recent is a home cleaning challenge and you can find the initiator here. I have decided to go through and "spring clean" several areas. Living as I do, in an extended family situation, there are always other people around to help keep things tidy, but there are areas that have been neglected, so I'd like to tend to those.

1. Living room- all that unwanted stuff that collects because you forget to remove it, along with a good vacuuming and window washing.

2. Kitchen- scrubbing the floors, clean out fridge, reorganize pantry and cabinets.

3. Dining Room- mostly the downstairs bathroom and the game closet, which is a wreck.

4. Master Bedroom- suffice it to say, this is the messiest room in the house, and it should not be that way!

5. Back Room- that evil, tiny, multi-purpose room.

6. Garage- where all our leftover junk is stored. Q: Where is that thing that I had when we used to live there? A: I don't know honey, look in the garage. Q: Where is it, in that garage? A: Who knows...see ya next week though, if the spiders don't carry you off first. Sigh.

Hopefully, I will be able to take (and POST) pictures of my progress. I fully expect this challenge to take two weeks. Though my list is pretty short, some of these projects are multi-day types, like my bedroom for example. It should be really nice to get everything clean and tidy, and (gasp) keep it clean, in theory. I have a related resource that I will be reading during these next few weeks called, Home Comforts, which is really a manual on how to keep your home. I found it at my library after two different recommendations. I reserved some "crafty" books as well just to "try them out."

Okay, so the next challenge is much more fun. It involves feminine dressing. I know that not everyone agrees on what is "modest" and what is not, but when we take the time to address modesty in light of femininity, things take an interesting turn. I have been a big fan of Mrs. Sherman's website, Living at Home, for a long time now, even though I don't always agree with everything she says, does, or suggests. However, I love what she has been doing lately. She has been taking older painting that show the feminine clothing of the past and pulling from them inspiration that she translates into something slightly more modern and wearable. Among all these posts have been little nuggets on sewing tips, dressing tips, modesty tips and so on. She prefers for her comments to be anonymous, so there is really a feeling that you can ask whatever you want and not be shamed. I have really become almost addicted to this series (hence the need for the first challenge!). So, she hasn't issued an official challenge per say, but I will endeavor to take pictures of myself during these two weeks spent cleaning so that you can see my feminine wardrobe change as I add new pieces.

One subject I need some help with is hair dressing. If anyone knows some tips or tricks on what to do with medium length thin hair, let me know! I can't stand hair in my face and it is just too hot to leave it down (we get to about 100 degrees these days...with no air conditioning!) I would love to look into older styles, but I really need simple!

***edited to add: I have found another great website for Christian women, called What Women Never Hear and it is a collection of articles geared toward the modern woman written by a man. The few things I have read are very interesting.

Check out my Reactions!

2009-07-14T19:51:00.000-06:00

I read a little blurb on blogger about these "reactions" that you can add to your posts, and I love the idea, so I set them up. You will find them at the bottom of each post (below my signature line) and you can check the box that is the most appropriate. Just to be sure we are on the same page, some definitions for you...

Inspiring: to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something.

Interesting: the quality of exciting curiosity or holding the attention.

Insipid: lacking flavor, vigor, or interest; boring.

*If for some reason, you find my posts offensive, please comment to me privately.

Random; Space Issues

2009-07-14T19:06:00.000-06:00

So what have I been up to this past month? Well, I have been pretty busy falling off the "schedule" wagon, but I expected I would. Now I'm finally trying to get back ON that wagon and get back into homeschooling, cleaning, working out...the usual.

I have been working at staying productive during the day and just these past few days, I've been organizing my tiny back room space which is so multi-functional it's funny. My sister is talking about potentially moving back to Washington in the not-to-distant future and though I'd miss her, I am already planning where my stuff would go in her wonderfully large room! {sheepish grin} Her room sits in the front of the house and has a large bay window and another side window which let in all the wonderful breezes and a lot of light to go along with it. It would make an excellent multi-purpose room for my crafting, sewing, computer/office, homeschooling, toy room. It is at least three times the size of the one I'm using now, so the space would be welcome. Though, I should probably be getting used to cramped conditions because I know that this is far more space than I will have next year when we've moved into our own apartment again. Hopefully, we will find a two bedroom space that works for us. We don't have any living room furniture, so if we have two bedrooms, we could use the living room for that multi-purpose space.

Just some random thoughts. It is not nearly late enough for me to justify spending time on the computer, so I'll have to run now and get back to the cleaning. Maybe I'll post some pictures soon!

Stop in for a Long Visit

2009-06-17T18:10:00.000-06:00

Hmm, grab a nice hot cup of coffee or tea (or just water to cool yourself down in the pre-summer heat) and spend a few minutes at my kitchen table. I have freshly baked brownies with hidden spinach and blueberries...No? Why not? Okay, I'll pull out my secret stash of Dove chocolate and we can chat? Milk or dark?

So many things have been going on (see here or here) that I really have not had time to write. I love writing and always will, but one of my struggles has been properly using my time. I love the saying, "Idle time leads to idol time" because that is really true for me. I love my computer and my "free" time, only my free time is coming at a time that really isn't free. It belongs firstly to my Lord, then my husband and then my children. When I have fulfilled all my obligations in those three areas, then I am allowed free time...that's not what I've been doing!!! Anyway, I see myself blogging once a week or so for the next few months but hopefully, as I learn to manage my time well, I will have more time available for blogging. I have been scheduling my upcoming homeschooling year, planning out the books I'd like to go through and whatnot, establishing a new family routine and schedule along with ChorePacks which are truly awesome! I have also been trying to create a summer wardrobe for me and my daughter out of the fabric I already have and most lately, I've been searching for a job.

My homeschool plan is pretty cool, at least I'm excited about it. I kept going back and forth about early "formal" academics and reasoned that if I were to put my daughter in kindergarten (which is what I'm talking about) she would be into much heavier academics than if I were to homeschool, but, I don't think that I am a late-starter. I do acknowledge that during the first few years (from about 5-8 years old) what you are really doing is giving your children character training while teaching them to read and write and do math. I am so okay with that, but, I don't think that the fact that I will be attempting to develop character is a reason to sluff off on the work I'd like my child to do. My curriculum for kindergarten includes Saxon Math K, which is really a dumb thing to have purchased, but at the same time, I am extremely glad to have a script with which to guide me as I try to teach my kiddo about patterns, calendars, and counting (among other math concepts). Was it necessary? No, probably not. Can she learn all of those things without a text? Absolutely. Can I teach them effectively without the program? I think not, truly. I don't tend to be very good at explaining things to my children. One of my many flaws. I appreciate the book telling me what to say and when. I will add my own personality when I need to. Outside of that, I am using Sonlight's Pre-K (4/5) program except it's Bible component, I have a replacement in the Children's Illustrated Bible. I have begun to teach Jordyn to read with The Ordinary Parent's Guide to Teaching Reading and finally I will be using Handwriting Without Tears only because it was easy to order. I estimate that our days will be somewhere between one and one and half hours. Obviously, if my child starts freaking out and shows signs of hating school, we'll slow down and just enjoy reading, but I think she will do very well with what I have planned.

As far as schedule goes, I have found (thank you Duggar family!) Managers of Their Homes and Managers of Their Chores and ChorePacks. My kids love the ChorePacks and so do I. It is a fun, easy reminder of the tasks that need to get done and my kids love flipping the cards. I even made myself one (to demonstrate how cool it was to the kids) and I love it. It is so much easier than a list for my little morning routines, when I can easily forget to do something (like start a load of laundry!).

As for the summer wardrobe...well, that is pretty tricky. It always comes back down to several dichotomies. Modesty or fashion? Skirts or pants? Dresses or skirts? Long or short? Bathing attire or ??? And, the end result is that if I make a decision in one category, can I neglect the rest? I am doing this to please the flesh or the Lord? What is the root here?

Likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands; that, if any obey not the word, they also may without the word be won by the conversation of the wives; While they behold your chaste conversation coupled with fear. Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel; But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price. I Peter 3: 1-4 KJV

I don't think that those verses say that apparel is irrelevant, but I do think that they speak to the heart of the matter. It isn't about what you wear, as much as it is about the condition of your spirit. Am I wearing dresses and skirts to feel like I am doing okay? Am I just covering up the sinful pride and ambition and yes even anger and fear that I feel? Am I behaving in a manner so as to have someone describe me as "meek" or "quiet"...I think not. I think that is why I LOVE watching the Duggars on TV. Michelle Duggar is such an example of what a meek and quiet spirit looks like. It is peaceful to witness. I have a long way to go. For now, I would like to wear primarily dresses or skirts. I can't think of a good reason to wear pants, though not standing out comes to mind, so I want to try to wear more of them.

I am making a dress from a pattern that I got when I was almost 20 pounds heavier, and it doesn't fit anymore...so I've been scaling the pattern down, which is essentially creating my own pattern and now, I have the pleasure of learning how to construct a sleeve pattern. It is really fascinating stuff and I've always wanted to know, but it is a little more than I bargained for.

And last but not least, a friend of mine has given me a contact to email about a work from home computer job. It is a good job, but it will be very difficult for me to do. I am especially worried about timelines and deadlines, but if the Lord provides this job for me, then I will know that it is in His will and I know that He (and He alone) will give me the strength to accomplish it.

Finally, as you might figure, I don't think I'll be writing too much. I'll do my best, but that list is pretty long and I have even more than that to do...but it was nice visiting you for this little while. I'll stop by your place as soon as I can...

Like I Promised...

2009-06-15T19:32:00.001-06:00

Here are the pictures of the cutest little girls in their cute little dresses. It was so hard to make those dresses, but so much fun too! They have motivated me to make more cute dresses for little girls so I am knee deep in about three new projects!!! Hurray!!! All that on top of starting homeschooling (we are doing a sort of year-round approach) and developing my character in a BIG way...it's BUSY around here!!!

This is the whole wedding party, including the little girls, minus the baby, she was sleeping in her nana's arms!!

This is the beautiful bride, my sister, Katie, and the little kiddos. The girl on the left is Meagan holding her doll (she is my youngest (half) sister), my daughter Jordyn and then my niece Bethany and of course, my son, Noah.

These are the kids walking down the "aisle" which was really a nice dirt path at this outdoor event...it was incredibly beautiful.

This is the entire wedding party again, after the wedding, and with the addition of baby Claira in her mother's arms (and eating the bouquet, yes that is what she is really doing!).

And of course, who can resist little Claira Jeaux...

Man!!!

2009-06-05T20:51:00.000-06:00

The hits just keep on coming. I am so thankful that I know that God is sovereign otherwise I would have to be thinking by now that there was some big cosmic joke being played on my family. Interestingly enough, usually when Christians start experiencing trials and tribulation, they assume that it is spiritual warfare. I don't. See the thing is, I think that God is teaching me a lesson, quite a few of them actually and all at the same time!

Sure, it's possible that Satan is trying to get us down, in fact we know that is a fact, but at the same time, I don't attribute all these seemingly random events as a negative (spiritual warfare) but instead choose to see them as an opportunity for growth and sanctification.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. -Isaiah 41:10

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9

So what happened? We found out that Eric will likely be deploying to Iraq within the next month, but he was able to take the vacation with us. We were completely out of money when an opportunity came up for me to watch an elderly lady for two days. We visited family (which is both a positive and a negative) and even managed to reconcile differences with a brother. We drove home after being away for two weeks to find someone had broken into our home and stolen our brand new TV and our entire DVD collection (over 300 titles!), but we had been trying (unsuccessfully) to limit our hours in front of it anyway.

Really, the clear message that we have been given these past few months has been, value people, not things. We are still working through all of the various issues, including whether it is "Christian" to declare bankruptcy and whether we have a choice even if it isn't. Getting to this point is the sin. We are learning that it is essential to invest in your family and not always things to surround your family with, that 30 minutes playing a board game is infinitely better than 90 minutes watching a movie, and that poor money management skills will affect every realm of your life.

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. -Romans 13:8

These are hard lessons and they yield a significant amount of stress and self-doubt and plenty other negative feelings, but God is faithful to the end and so must we be.

Flower Girl Dresses

2009-05-14T14:56:00.001-06:00

My sister's wedding is fast approaching (yeah!) and I was commissioned months ago to make the three little girls' dresses for the ceremony. I purchased the pretty fabric and the pattern and was ready to go, but life got in the way. We were moving, unpacking, visiting, any and all sorts of things that have kept me from my sewing room. However, the last three days have seen a complete turnaround because I have been only in my sewing room with the exception of meals. It has been at once exciting and exhilerating and engulfing and exhausting (how's that for alliteration???). But, I am seeing the end!!! They are fully lined and not as simple as I thought they'd be (perhaps because I'm fulling lining them!) Here is a picture of the fabric and the pattern, I'll show you pictures when I'm done with all the dresses!!!

Changing Me

2009-05-07T12:59:00.000-06:00

Yeah!!! I'm posting again...or at least I'm posting today. Yes, life has been incredibly busy, but that really isn't the entire reason that I haven't been blogging. The bottom line really is habit and sinful ones at that. While living in Washington, I was able to do whatever I pleased and I chose to spend my time online. I could, quite literally, spend the entire day reading blogs and waiting for new posts from my favorites. I had unlimited hours to devote to my first love (the computer) and I thought that by spending time online reading about other Godly women and Godly concepts that I was somehow becoming more Godly, perhaps through osmosis, so I thought that my hours ~~spent~~ wasted on the computer were actually justified away. The obvious problem is that when the rubber met the road, I was the same person.

It has taken two months of staring at myself in the ever-reflecting eyes of my family to realize that I am not a changed person. I do still believe that I am a born-again believer of Christ the King, but...

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. ... Therefore, whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock ... And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house: and it fell: and great was the fall of it. -Matthew 7: 18-21, 24, 26-27

I once heard an analogy about accepting Christ. Revelation 3:20- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." The idea is that by accepting Christ, we invite Him into to the foyer of our house. Often times, when I have a guest come over, there are "forbidden rooms" that are just not presentable for strangers to view, and I leave them closed off for the duration of the visit. Sometimes I do a good job of avoiding that space and I forget that it even exists. With my Lord standing in my doorway, I scurry about trying to clean up so that I might invite Him further into the house, but it is slow going and I find myself simply moving my trash from one room of the house to the other. My Lord stops me and reminds me that I have invited Him in and He, and only He, has the power to actually remove the accumulated junk from my front room. I submit and sacrifice a portion of my life to Him and under His direction, remove the things that are in the way, but I still haven't given Him complete access...after all, who wants to see the back of my bathroom cabinets!!! I feel like a new person because my front room is clean and we settle down to have a nice chat. But, my Lord is soon thirsty and asks to dine with me. I panic, of course, because I haven't done the dishes is a while and doubt highly that there is a clean cup with which to drink from, nor is there a single thing worthy of serving to my Lord in my cabinets. But, in time, I remember that just as the Lord cleared out my front room, surely He's able to clear out my kitchen too and I surrender to His commands and care. So we go through the rest of the house, all of the bedrooms and bathrooms...except that one...my personal "dungeon" with all of my personal accumulated junk. My Lord offers, but I decline, thinking that it would be too embarrassing or too hard to parade my junk in front of His nose. So, being a gracious Lord, me pretending the room doesn't exist, my Lord waiting for me to acknowledge its presence. The rooms begins to stink and the stench of my own filth begins to infiltrate the house. The odor is so repugnant to my Lord that He is no longer comfortable in the back of the house and retreats to the front room. The smell continues to spread and suddenly my Lord tells me that He is going to go stand in the doorway until I am ready. All of those hours I have spent cleaning the rest of my house are for naught because my filth has spread even into my clean rooms. The Lord reminds me that He is ready and able to show me how to clean that last room, but I stubbornly refuse and pretend not to notice the smell. I pride myself on the appearance of my clean house, so shiny and tidy but I am still careful not to invite anyone else over, for surely they would smell it and no longer see the clean surfaces. One day, as I step out of the shower and glance at myself in the mirror, I can barely recognize myself, for I am covered in grime. On my knees I crawl to the door and beg my Lord to save me, again, to come in, again, and clean me, again, and this time, to take over my entire house, so there is never a doubt who reigns. My Lord helps me up and as we walk to the back of the house, I notice the stench begin to dissipate. We reach the door and my Lord tells me that if I can just opened it sooner to Him, it would have been much easier to clean, but now the stuff has begun to decay and fester and though the process is going to take longer, my Lord reassures me that He is capable of removing all my filth, but I need to show it to Him and I need to remove it from my house, forever. This I do and my Lord and I have constant fellowship, for nothing is hidden from Him. When I am tempted to bring home some extra junk, my Lord reminds me of how easily a little junk will soon overtake me, pushing Him out of the way, and I obey and life is sweet.

I am sure that you can see some parallels between my story and my life. I am confident that I have invited the Lord into my house, but I am not sure how much of my house I have made available to Him. I know that I frequently ignore His voice asking me to clean out a part of my life, in fact, I've become quite good at it. I think that's what this move has done for me, open my eyes to my own filth and the realization that without God's help, I won't ever get clean and though I might feel like a Christian, my actions betray me and I am undone.

Just a Glimpse

2009-04-10T12:09:00.000-06:00

So that is Lake Pueblo. I have known it existed for some time now, but yesterday, while the kids and I were out searching for a different library (we have found the one closest to us, but the book I wanted was at a different one and I didn't want to wait to order it) and got lost and just ran right into this little park sitting on top of the lake. You can see in the picture that there is a dam on the left side of the lake. My mom took the kids out there a few days ago and they were excited to see a nice campground (hubby loves to camp!), a swim-beach and a lot of other recreational amenities. I just thought this view was attractive...so there you have it...my new home.

(Check out my other blog for pictures of the family and our activities...)

Why I Haven't Been Writing...

2009-04-06T22:34:00.000-06:00

I have always loved writing. It has been at times cathartic and at other times an escape from what I'm really feeling. Whenever I talk, I have this tendency to talk in circles completely contradicting myself within one monologue but for whatever reason, this is less evident when I am writing. I love the idea of preserving a heritage or a record of what has been going on in my life and how I manage to cope. Generally, I write out all my whiny and insignificant thoughts. Normally, I don't have anyone to tell me exactly how petty I am behaving. Now, I do.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

The reason that I haven't been writing is because the things that I have thought to write about are all insignificant. I have been overwhelmed with facing my sin for what it is, instead of just pushing it off as "the way we do things" or "the way I was raised" or "just the way I am". Even my standard attempt at "trying" has become inconsequential. Living with my family was never going to be ideal, but the amount of accountability I ~~endure~~ have is extreme.

We all live in the same three rooms, my mother my youngest sister, me and my two children. Though we have an extra three and a half bedrooms upstairs, they are being mildly renovated because of the lead paint and we have not moved anything up there for our safety. The problem is...there is a LOT of lead paint. So much that we can't get rid of it. The last few days we have settled on a good containment solution (covering it with a thick coat of fresh paint), but we have done plenty of paint stripping in the meantime to get to the lead coat, just so that the details in this turn of the century home shine through. We are hoping to be moved upstairs in about a week or so. In the meantime, however, we are practically living on top of each other.

This situation has made it possible for my wise mother to critique every aspect of my life, from my diet, the way I raise (and treat) my children to my other inherent character flaws. At times my sister has contributed her opinion, but on the whole, she attempts to act as a buffer between the two of us. The real clincher is that my mom is right. She always is and it is painful to admit it. My husband rarely calls me on my sin, partly because I have perfected my self defense (usually by shifting blame on to him...shame on me!) and often, he lets my sins go because he loves me and is always hoping for the best for me. My mother desperately wants the best for me and she is determined to point out how I am getting in my own way.

I have found myself confronting my motives for change, discovering why I have made no lasting change, and dealing with character issues of every sort. Where I thought I was on the right track, I now find that I might not be. In short, my entire life has been turned upside down. Still, those are all things I'd normally blog about...so why the silence, even in the midst of these heart-rending issues? I think it comes down to the complete lack of privacy.

I don't have the time or location to sit and mull over all these issues. Right now, it is two hours past my bedtime and my sister is sitting not five feet away typing on her computer; privacy is all but gone.

So what have I learned in my silence? To offer it up in prayer. I have recently purchased Alan Jackson's CD, Precious Memories, which is a collection of hymns. I have found it to be incredibly soothing and uplifting. One of the songs that has really caught my attention is What A Friend We Have in Jesus. I have heard this hymn before, but it never really sunk in, not until just this week. I don't know if this is the whole song (probably not) but regardless, these are the words:

What a friend we have in Jesus
All our sins and griefs to bear
What a privilege to carry
Everything to God in prayer
Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

Have we trials and temptations
Is there trouble anywhere
We should never be discouraged
Take it to the Lord in prayer
Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share
Jesus knows our every weakness
Take it to the Lord in prayer

I am looking forward to this time now, even as I struggle through all of this. I know where to go for help, though I am still not asking for help often enough yet. I was reminded of the beginning of James the other day.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. -James 1: 2-4

So there you have it. I have not been writing because I am dealing with deep personal issues...I'll call a spade a spade, I am not dealing with "personal issues", I am dealing with SIN and I don't have enough time these days to be online alone to hash out these issues for our mutual benefit. The other thing I have found is that a lot of the blogs I loved to follow have decided to stop blogging which is just plain discouraging and yet I understand their decisions.

So, if you think of it, say a prayer for me here in Colorado...hopefully I'll be on again long enough to write those articles I said I was going to write, but if not, just know that God is working in my life for His good purpose, and that is my greatest desire.

Love to you all, Kristi

Upcoming Posts

2009-03-15T09:48:00.000-06:00

Sunday is here and we are off searching for a new church to go to, so I don't have much time. HOWEVER, I did want to mention that I have a couple of posts in the works...let me know which you'd like to see first:

*The Heart of Modesty- the relationship between the internal and the external

*What the Bible Really says about Modesty and Dress

*Die, Divide, Debate, or Decide- how we value different elements of doctrine and the logical consequences

*Church or Chapel- choosing a church to make home

*Other???

Okay...we are off and running!!! Gotta go with them...

I'm Here!!!

2009-03-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

To all you millions who wait with bated breath for my next blog post...you'll be waiting a long time...

We have finally moved to Colorado, but the house is is worse shape than I expected and right now moving is about as chaotic as it could get. There are many ~~days~~ ~~hours~~ minutes that I feel like running away...far away. As I expected, it has been very difficult to merge the households. I am, and always be, my mother's daughter and I fear that I will never be a responsible young woman in her eyes. I think we all have these "mommy issues", mine are just magnified by living in the same 300 square feet (the rest of the house is under construction, so we are all living in the same room, plus the living room...it's a wreck.) Hopefully, we can take pictures and I will show you what's been going on. The good news is that the house is going to be very cute when its all done...and I won't have to live here for that long...it's just a year...

For now, I've got to run...

Two's for the Road

2009-02-27T22:48:00.000-07:00

Wow was today a day (or two) to remember…but we probably won’t because our brains are so addled right now that we can barely think straight.

It all started last night, Thursday. My daughter’s massive dentist appointment went perfectly and she had no problems whatsoever. Praise the Lord for this because her teeth have been a huge concern for me recently. Anyway, my husband had taken the day off which was a relief because my sister, Karee, had come down with a fever over 102 degrees! She was our designated babysitter and one of the drivers for our caravan of vehicles. When my husband and I finally arrived at my mom’s house to load her truck we saw how HUGE this truck was. It was a 26 foot truck and we were meant to share it. About halfway through the night we realized that there was NO WAY that both Mom’s stuff and our stuff would fit on the same truck as planned. We were right, Mom filled the truck with her stuff alone. This left me and Eric to rent a truck last minute which, amazingly, we were able to do, along with the towing unit for my car…which I have to drive…Yikes!!!

Oh man!!! We have packed and packed and moved and moved these last two days and now we are so tired that we can barely see straight and we are going to be driving for three days!!! My sister likely had pneumonia, my mom is stressed to the point of throwing up and we are all stressed to snapping…

Pray for us as we take this journey. I will see ya on the other side!!! (And I will give you more details when my brain has had time to process them...)

Ultimate Packing Tuesday!!!

2009-02-24T09:43:00.000-07:00

We leave on Saturday! We load the truck on Friday! We have a massive dentist appointment (that will take at the very least all morning and most of the afternoon...that's a different story) on Thursday! We have a doctor's appointment and an oil change on Wednesday! Which leaves me with today. To pack. The whole house. Granted, I've not been idle these past few weeks, so a lot has already been done, but even more needs to be done! I'm a list maker and I packed my paper already, so here is my list of things to do today! And just for fun: a few pictures!

What has already been packed (notice the lack of couches and end tables...yup, we sold 'em!):

*Finish sorting and packing random things in living room
*Print fun paper and pack up printer

The other half of the living room...yet to be packed (hoping to sell that gigantic entertainment center too!):

*Clean out kids' room (everything except the beds!)

This was actually taken in the living room. When I had cleared out the glass door portion of my entertainment center, the kids climbed in...

*Clean out spare bedroom
*Pack books
*Pack kids toys

You can see the boxes of books in the foreground on the right, behind them is the wall full of toys and the rest of the room is mostly empty boxes and already packed stuff, ready to move out to the living room.

*Laundry Monster...need I say more?
*Finish packing up unessentials in bathroom
*Pack Master Bedroom (this is the trickiest room because Eric is staying behind for a little bit!!!)
*Remove all removeable items, return only essentials
*Pack up the packables
*Pack a suitcase per person with the clothes for the trip
*Pack an open box with clothes for next few days, keep it next to the larger "everything else" suitcase
*Pack the kitchen and dining room
*Finish doing dishes and clearing counters
*Clear out all cabinets
*Pack up "not-to-be-used" food
*Pack up snack food for the trip
*Pack up all dishes...moving to "cold food only week!"
*Start cleaning!!!

Okay, I have officially wasted over an hour doing this "quick" post! Gotta run!!!

Something Fun to Balance the Rest

2009-02-22T10:35:00.001-07:00

These are the states I've visited. Many of them were visited while driving or "training" but I have actually been in all these states...I've impressed myself! :) I have actually lived in: California, South Carolina, Texas and Washington (soon to be Colorado too!). I have visited, as in more than just passed through, Oregon, Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, Utah, Colorado (I was 16!), Nevada, Arizona, New Mexico, Illinois, and Wisconsin! WooHoo! I would LOVE to make it to the East Coast sometime....

visited 21 states (42%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or try another Douwe Osinga project

Apostate or Heretic?

2009-02-22T07:43:00.000-07:00

A little internal turmoil will really get you thinking, but, before I get in to all that, perhaps a short history is required. I grew up in a Catholic church and the large majority of my large family is Catholic with varying degrees of devotion. When I was 12, my parents got a divorce and through that process, my mom left the Catholic church. We began attending a church called Inland Community Church and we were very happy there. My mom wished for more hymns instead of the praise music, but she loved the verse-by-verse teaching of the Bible. She grew as a Christian and we grew to become Christians. It was at this church that I was baptized as a believer. However, problems eventually arose (as they usually do) and we discovered the youth pastor struggled in sexual sin (with the girls of his youth group) and the associate pastor was stealing from the church. After an all out confrontation with the church leadership, my family and several others, left the church and found a Calvary Chapel. Calvary was a breath of fresh air for sermons that had gone downhill since we first began attending ICC. Calvary Chapel's are known for their verse-by-verse Bible teaching and their back to basics style. They are good, Bible believing people, but... they seem to take things a little too lax, like wearing blue jeans to church among other things. It was really the blue jeans that got to me first, which is why I mention them.

Last July, I had the opportunity to confront this ideology head-on and I started wearing skirts more often. I felt convicted to dress modestly and femininely, not something I could accomplish well wear tight blue jeans. I found an article on headcovering and tried that out, but it became too much of a challenge and I stopped. I was still wearing skirts and I still believe skirts should be the staple of a woman's wardrobe. The one MAJOR thing I was lacking was a community of like-minded believers. This is what I craved. I started looking for churches, and even found an Independent Fundamental Baptist church in town, but we were moving and I was still unsure of myself and my convictions and felt like rocking the boat wasn't the best decision for this moment in time. I am still looking for a group to belong to and that is what worries me, the fear that I will choose my beliefs based on group participation and less on what is actually correct.

Here's where I get down to the real nitty gritty. One of the most frustrating things I am dealing with right now is the name-calling. Everyone takes a stand on so many different issues, from Calvinism to Arminianism, skirt length, headcovers, beards, lifestyle (agrarianism), homeschool method, child-raising, Bible version...so on and so forth. What really gets difficult is that (particularly in the Calvinism versus Arminianism debate) we label the "opposition". The Arminians call the Calvinists heretics and the Calvinists call the Arminians apostates. All the other issues follow along with these two groups and I just get so frustrated!

What am I to be: an apostate or a heretic?

And what concerns me even more is that, unlike my mom, who was convicted to leave the Catholic church after seeing that confession wasn't right and that Catholicism created people that "did" church on Sunday by just putting in their time (the real story is about the women chewing gum and gabbing behind my mom through the portion of the mass just after communion where the Catholic is at their most "holy" because they have just consumed the body and blood of Jesus Christ...I remember thinking that I had better pray quickly before he was digested out of me and I would be left powerless...anyway, these women got in the way of my mom's worship of her Savior (yet another aside, my mom was a Bible-reading Catholic) and we left the church.) and the failure of the priest to absolve her sin of divorce, I feel like I just want to belong to a group!

Of course, I want to please God in what I do and that truly is first and foremost in my mind, but lately I have been wondering what exactly I am supposed to do. I am tired of being "tossed by the waves" and I fear for doing the wrong thing. I am okay with following whatever "rules" need to be followed, I just need to know that I am following God and not man, nor man's interpretation of God. I think at the root here is this utter frustration with who I am and where I stand in God's kingdom. Am I really a part of it? Are my actions sanctifying me? Am I truly serving God my wearing skirts, covering my head and choosing hymns over modern praise and worship? Are these things really important? And why, why do we demean other Christians? To separate ourselves from them, to define ourselves better? Does that not also cause us to puff up ourselves, just a little? We agree that Christ is the Savior of this world and that we are only saved by grace, through faith, right? Does the rest of it even matter? I imagine that the God who took the time to send His own Son to die on a cross for us would have some details about how to live and how to worship Him. Does it all really hang on Matthew 22: 37-40,

Jesus said unto him, 'Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets.'

What does that mean? Does that mean that that love really is the bottom line...that "all you need is love?" What does it mean to have the law and prophets hanging on it? I would dearly love some answers here. Nothing has tried my faith so much as this.

A Simple Solution

2009-02-18T07:28:00.000-07:00

Marriage is a great thing, but it is really hard to keep that fire lit!!! Eric and I have been dealing, for what seems like our entire marriage, the difficulty of finding time together. See, I'm a night owl and he is an early bird. I can very easily stay up past midnight on any given night, provided that I don't have to do anything before 10 in the morning! Home keeping has become an indulgent "job" for me in that no one is here to force me to rise (or set) with the sun. I just label myself as "not a morning person" and I refuse to begin my day. My children have already begun their day, so they get the square babysitter until I can function, which is usually past naptime. Obviously, this needs to change.

Eric, bless his heart, has tried to stay up a little later with me so that we can talk or spend time together but he needs to be up at 5:30am, sometimes earlier and staying up even until 10 or 11 is difficult for him. We have tried taking a date night, but that is just impractical with our time and budget to be the main thing that this couple uses to connect. While reading Passionate Housewives, Desperate for God by Stacy McDonald and Jennie Chancy, the author mentioned that she had a "tea time" with her husband in the morning before work everyday. After watching Eric struggle to read his Bible the other night because he was talking to me, I offered to wake up with him, make some coffee, and read a chapter from the Bible a day.

Today is day two and though I'm tired in the morning (I still manage to stay up later than he does...), I acknowledge that a morning routine is essential. The other advantage is that I'm up before the kids and therefore capable of being ready to start the day when they get up. I haven't managed to shower before they woke up the last two days, but that's not too terribly bad. As much as I abhor waking up early, this is my labor of love to serve my husband and children and so far, its working! I actually find myself happy to be up...now that's a shock!

Sanctification?

2009-02-17T08:00:00.000-07:00

When I had originally decided to write this post I had just finished my morning reading of The Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It was February 8th and the title of the entry was "The Cost of Salvation". Before I go much further, I will mention that if you click on the first link above, you will get to a homepage that has the original text and KJV scriptures. You can get "today's reading" or you may browse whatever day you'd like. I did not know about this, so I purchased an "updated" version at my bookstore. It claims that it is "An Updated Edition in Today's Language" and uses the NKJV; I didn't think twice about purchasing it. Now I wished I had just purchased the original! Anyway, I wanted to quote what I had actually read, but I will just copy the original version (or what I should have read). Clear as mud?

February 8th
INSTANTANEOUS AND INSISTENT SANCTIFICATION
"And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly." 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

When we pray to be sanctified, are we prepared to face the standard of these verses? We take the term sanctification much too lightly. Are we prepared for what sanctification will cost? It will cost an intense narrowing of all our interests on earth, and an immense broadening of all our interests in God. Sanctification means intense concentration on God's point of view. It means every power of body, soul and spirit chained and kept for God's purpose only. Are we prepared for God to do in us all that He separated us for? And then after His work is done in us, are we prepared to separate ourselves to God even as Jesus did? "For their sakes I sanctify Myself."[John 17:19] The reason some of us have not entered into the experience of sanctification is that we have not realized the meaning of sanctification from God's standpoint. Sanctification means being made one with Jesus so that the disposition that ruled Him will rule us. Are we prepared for what that will cost? It will cost everything that is not of God in us.

Are we prepared to be caught up into the swing of this prayer of the apostle Paul's? Are we prepared to say - "Lord, make me as holy as You can make a sinner saved by grace"? Jesus has prayed that we might be one with Him as He is one with the Father. The one and only characteristic of the Holy Ghost in a man is a strong family likeness to Jesus Christ, and freedom from everything that is unlike Him. Are we prepared to set ourselves apart for the Holy Spirit's ministrations in us? [Emphasis added]

So there you have it. Need I even comment on it? When I read this the other day I just sat there, shocked. I want to go out on a limb and say that this process of sanctification is not taught anymore. I have been going to church all my life and though I hear rhetoric like, "become more like God" no one has really ever pointed me to a place where I can confront this issue. It is an unpopular one! Modern Christians are satisfied with grace by faith with the mistaken notion that we don't have to do anything else! How else do we read Philippians 2:12, "Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling."

I have always been a little bit confused about what to do now that I am a Christian. I knew that I was supposed to do the right thing, but I have always heard it describes as something that just naturally happens, that now that you are saved, you suddenly begin to act like a Christian. I just could never understand why I didn't. Am I not really saved? Did I get saved but not receive the Holy Spirit? Why can't I do the right thing? I seriously tortured myself with these things thinking that I was a faulty Christian and that the process just didn't work for me! Of course that's not true!!! What has happened is that I've been sold a pack of lies, that the Christian life is a sudden, instant change and it's not! Salvation might happen in an instant, but it is a constant struggle then to die to your flesh and actually become more like the God you now serve.

So what does this mean for me? It is so easy to become me-centered. People have this defense mechanism that they use to ward off sanctification. They call it legalism. That somehow having to improve yourself or follow the letter of the Word is somehow adding to the gospel. In my computer's dictionary it defines legalism as, "excessive adherence to law or formula; THEOLOGY- dependence on moral law rather than on personal religious faith." Hmm, very interesting. I depend on moral law to live my life, I don't just have faith that I am doing it all right. If that were all that was required, why do have a Bible with 66 books worth of information? Obviously, God has a plan and a way of doing things. However, I can't take that Bible and do all the right things without any faith, for faith without works is dead, James 2: 14-26.

This has lately become so important to me as I read about headcover, modesty, staying at home...without these commands being from God I am wasting my time. If these commands are from God, then I am wasting every minute that I am not obeying them! I can see that my path of sanctification is going here: to learn to be a woman of God; to dress the way that God wants me to dress (even when it doesn't follow current trends), to submit where He wants me to (even though its unpopular), to live my life in a way that is, at its very heart, different. I want to call attention to God to glorify Him and His perfect order of things. My flesh gets in the way and needs to be removed. The question remains now, am I prepared for the cost?

No-Poo Challenge, Day 8

2009-02-16T10:26:00.000-07:00

I poo-ed.

The thing I learned by doing this is that if I ever needed to, I could do this. Thing is, I don't need to right now. I am pumping my body full of Slim-Fast...not a health food there and I use deodorant and lotion. I probably wouldn't have quit, even for those reasons, if it hadn't been for the visiting of a good family friend from out of town. I just didn't want to cover my head without conviction or suffer through the evening with oily hair. So I washed it. Thus ends the no-poo challenge.

BTW, still working on that post you should have already read, but I'm packing my bedroom today, so it'll have to wait...less than two weeks to go before we move!

No-Poo Challenge, Day 6 & 7

2009-02-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

So far, so good. I left my hair down on day 6 just to test the waters, but I did cover it with a blue handkerchief style cover from Wal-Mart. I had a dentist appointment to go to Friday, so I knew that wearing it up would be uncomfortable. It looked just modern-country enough that I wouldn't get extra stares...my long jean skirt gets me more than enough because I cut my denim into a 6 gore skirt and that is not the typical "denim" pattern. Anyway... After my dentist appointment, I realized that though my hair probably didn't look much dirtier than normal, it just didn't feel the same and I put it into my standard ponytail with the ends not pulled through all the way.

Day 7 dawned and I didn't get in the shower right away (gotta love lazy Saturdays...okay, well I love lazy Saturdays) so I didn't even mess with it, I washed it (per the no-poo instructions) and blew-damp and put it up and covered it. I love this style!!! It is ridiculously simple, it stays put and it keeps my hands out of my hair. The only problem with it is that it doesn't look normal. (See my post to follow about sanctification...you've probably already read it if you read from my blog page...if you haven't, well maybe I got tired. I plan on writing it directly after I post this err, post.)

So after a week, I have to say that the major difference is in how my hair feels and less how it looks, though keeping it up all day long, I don't really get ample opportunity to observe this. What I did notice yesterday is the tendency of my hair to form "clumps" or groups of strands which obviously lead to the appearance of dirty (oily) hair. That I have thin hair that is prone to be oily and clump may be adding to the problem, or not. Lately, I have been feeling like I want to quit, feeling like there isn't a real purpose in me doing this. It marks be as weird, like a person who would consider cloth diapering or even worse, home-made menstrual pads (neither of which I do but both of which I am considering doing!) This really has been a challenge because even when I feel like I have give up attempting to be fashionable and instead choosing to dress modestly and femininely, my hair is something altogether different. Interesting when you throw the whole headcovering debate right into the middle of that!

I am committing to do another week of this routine, but if I don't begin to see rapid change here, then I will probably just go back to the old song and dance. What do you think? Anybody willing to step out and do this with me?

No-Poo Challenge, Day 4 & 5

2009-02-12T19:57:00.000-07:00

I almost "poo-ed"!!! But, I didn't. Day 4 was difficult for me. My hair was feeling awful and it wasn't feeling "wet" in the shower. You know how oil and water don't mix? That's how it felt with my hair. By the time I got to smelling the vinegar I was just ready to quit! Instead I decided to trust the process and because I wanted to smell good, I used my wonderfully coconutty smelling conditioner on the ends of my hair and rinsed quickly. The pleasant smell was really enough to lift my spirits and once I got my hair up and off my back (and covered) I forgot about it.

Day 5: With a new resolve from my lessons learned yesterday, I am feeling surprised about my hair. I completely expected the front of my hair to be the most oily and nasty, but it is surprisingly dry...almost too dry! What is oily is the center back...and man is it oily!!! The good news is that I don't think anyone else would notice, so long as you wear it up. I didn't cover my hair today because I had errands to run and I just wanted to test it out. I put it in a claw clip in a French twist because I knew it wasn't ready to be worn down. I did just fine and I don't think anyone would have noticed, but it still feels dirty and that makes me self-conscious. Tomorrow, I want to blow-dry it straight and see how long I can last with it down. I am sure it won't be long (it wouldn't be very long if it were clean!), so I'll probably lift the front off my face with a clip but wear the back long. We'll see.

So far, I'm glad I did this experiment, though I still believe that I will be washing my hair regularly with shampoo, perhaps I will just wash it less...lots of stuff going on, hopefully I'll get a different kind of post up soon!!!

No-Poo Challenge, Day 3

2009-02-10T18:27:00.000-07:00

Not so good today, I'll just say that, right up front. My hair is definitely oily today though I took the time to blow-dry my hair and I wonder if anyone who didn't know me would think anything was up. My biggest concern about wearing it down would be that it would begin to look dirty quickly. I am still repulsed by the smell of the vinegar, even in its watered down state. My hair has been pretty "static-y" lately when I have brushed it, but it's also winter, and my hair is prone to static and frizziness.

But, lest I post an entire blog post without saying anything positive: I am enjoying being a consumer rebel by trying this. I know that, worst case scenario, I could always go back to shampooing my hair and that this is an experiment. I am really looking forward to the idea of having healthy hair so I am going to keep on plodding along! I am also still covering my head and though I think my head would look okay without the cover, I think I would be constantly feeling my hair which would only exacerbate the problem. Scarf-covers work for me!

Oh, before I forget, I did make two purchases that I wouldn't want to be without for this challenge. One, I bought a wood comb (real wood, not a plastic comb that looks like real wood) and a 100% boar hair brush. I found both at my local Wal-Mart and I love them. The hairbrush is really good at moving and redistributing the oils in your hair and the comb prevents breakage. Plastic combs are made in a factory in a mold and can have tiny points on them that can scratch your scalp. Never brush your hair when wet, only comb it. This is NOT something I have practiced in the future because I needed to get all those tangles out, before my hair dried and the tangled caused serious breakage (not to mention pain)!

On to Day 4...

No-Poo Challenge, Day 2

2009-02-10T01:25:00.000-07:00

Day 2: My scalp itches like it normally does when it is dirty but I feel like my hair should be clean. As much as I HATE the smell of vinegar, I like the way my hair feels after the apple cider vinegar rinse. All in all, my hair is well on its way to oily. I have kept my hair covered the last two days and I would highly recommend to anyone who is attempting to do this that they invest in a few that they like that match everything. Without it, I would probably have washed my hair by now...however, my hair didn't feel too dirty today but tomorrow marks the longest I have ever gone without washing my hair. The plus side is that the oils in my hair make it really soft, but I don't want to touch it too much. I knew this was going to be a rough week or two, so I don't expect to have positive feedback for a while, but I don't know of any other blog that has chronicled the whole process, ups and downs, so I intend to.

Definitely looking forward to this process being over...I want to know what my hair really looks like.

No-Poo Challenge, Day 1

2009-02-08T14:22:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I have been reading about this "no-poo" challenge, where the "poo" stands for shampoo. The idea is that there are so many BAD chemicals in shampoo that we should not "shampoo" our hair altogether. That doesn't necessarily mean don't wash, but don't use regular shampoos. The whole idea is that today's shampoos are designed to remove oil, but much like antibiotics, they don't discriminate good from the bad and therefore strip our hairs of the natural oils that would normally be present. We then add the conditioner to attempt to replace the lost oils. Your hair is able to regulate its own oils though; its much like a supply and demand situation. The more you remove your oils, the more your hair tries to replace it. The goal, then, is to let your hair stabilize where it needs to.

There are two ways to do this. First, you can wash with water. Yup, that's right, your hands scrub and all you put on is water. Second, you use a baking soda paste (1 tbsp baking soda plus water to form paste) and rub that in to your scalp only. Let sit for a minute and then rinse with water. You then take 2 tbsp of apple cider vinegar and mix in a large cup with enough water to fill it and you rinse the ends of your hair. Let sit for a minute and then rinse out. There is actually a third, which is to just wash with conditioner (not shampoo). From the detail, you can assume that I am choosing the second option and I found details of it here.

So today was day one. I didn't plan ahead, I just jumped in and I hope to go at least 30 days. What do I have to lose? There is a "transition period" where your hair has to adjust to the oils which can take up to a month or so, but I figure that I can very easily cover my head if it becomes nasty. My biggest worry is that I won't be able to stand it. I HATE it when my hair gets dirty and won't let anyone touch it. I anticipate suffering somewhat for the first few weeks, but hopefully it won't be too bad. If I can't take it, I might just try washing with conditioner that day and hoping that the smell of the conditioner makes it feel better...so today, I washed my hair per the instructions on the website and it feels very soft and it was slightly curlier than normal. I went ahead and blew-damp (not dry) my hair because I do that normally, but I also covered it, which I usually do. There were far fewer tangles than normal because I didn't try to wash all my hair, just the roots. That was a welcome relief because I usually have very tangly hair. Stay tuned to see how long I go. Hopefully I will be able to get some pictures...pictures are really important here!

The Coolest Things Ever!

2009-02-03T11:15:00.000-07:00

I was doing my typical morning ~~procrastination~~ reading of my favorite blogs and Lillibeth over at The Pleasant Times (which is, by the way, a charming and entertaining blog to read) had blogged about the rabbit trails she takes while homeschooling. What was so cool is that she mentioned LibriVox's website which is an entirely free website for audio books within the public domain. They are read by volunteers and are therefore, FREE! (They also have the link to the Gutenburg website if you like reading on the screen...I don't.)

Though that it cool enough, it doesn't necessarily explain the need for a post except that we are moving and will be travelling a long distance with one adult per car. That means that I need to have a good supply of music and something entertaining to listen to while I drive...or I fall asleep! I have been looking for inexpensive versions of some of my favorite classics, but I just can't find them. The one copy of Pride and Prejudice that I found was $45.00!!! For an audio book??? I had just about given up because I didn't want to pay for a monthly membership or anything like that. I am not normally in my car for long hours, so listening to audio books isn't in my normal routine...though it might become part of it now! As we ~~speak~~ err, write/read, I am downloading two versions (of P & P) into my iTunes as a podcast and I plan on downloading everything else written by Jane Austen and then I will go exploring. Lillibeth had mentioned Dickens, which would be interesting since Dickens was meant to be read aloud so perhaps I'll try Oliver Twist or something. Anyway, lots of fun on that website! Check it out!!!

The second coolest thing I found the other day....I know, how on earth do I have time for such things? It's a mystery to me as well...is this Modest Clothing Directory. It is a really good website that caters to all different groups searching for modest clothing (Jewish, Islamic, Mormon, Plain, and Christians). They have links for headcovers and for clothing. I haven't even been able to explore the whole thing, but I am looking around for something special to fit into once I lose all this weight and though my sister's choice of bridesmaid dress is there as well, I still want something of my own choosing to use as a reward. So, I have been searching for something pretty and modest that I can buy when I have lost this extra weight. (There are also pregnancy sites and plus size sites too...). All in all, it's worthy of a bookmark and I will be using it in the future for my clothing and my daughter's as well!

And the Race is On

2009-01-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

What we have been waiting for has finally happened! Almost.

We are moving! Almost.

We have been delaying our move, which should have already happened by now because our moving plan is somewhat wacky. The plan is that my sister, Kelly and her husband Jared, will be purchasing a house in Pueblo, Colorado. This house will need some work, but they are getting a great deal on it because of that. Jared is a high-school teacher in New Mexico right now, where they live. The promotion ladder requires them to stay in NM for another year, at least, but Kelly is planning on attending the Botany program in Pueblo soon. So, the house will be vacant, but they will "technically" be CO residents, therefore giving Kelly a less expensive tuition rate. Now the question became, "what to do with a vacant house?" That's where we come in.

My family is flat broke and would very likely be unable to qualify for an apartment that meets our needs. My mom is extremely frugal and not exactly rolling in the dough, if you know what I mean. However, she manages her money properly and is not exactly under the same duress that my family is in. One of my other sisters, Karee, currently lives with my mom and will continue to do so. She is also looking forward to going to college in Colorado. Put three frugal (whether by choice or circumstances) together add a vacant house and you might infer what the plan is: we will all combine and share Kelly's house (that she's not living in) for as long as it takes. The plan is weak at best, since we are all of different minds and habits, but it is the best choice for now...you can't beat a $500 mortgage split three ways!

So what has happened to warrant this post? Kelly has heard from the realtor and she should be closing within two or three weeks. Then there is some plumbing and a furnace that needs replacing and we will be moving in! My house hasn't sold yet, but my husband was already going to stay behind temporarily because he is in a deployed National Guard unit and won't be able to move until this summer. He will stay behind and finish up the sale of our house. The debate going on is what will happen once he moves to Colorado. Will we get our own apartment or rough it with my mother? What we will have to do, is play it based on the job availability. Kelly's house is in Pueblo, CO and we want to live in Colorado Springs, which is 45 minutes north. If Eric gets a job in Colorado Springs, we will most likely be moving there. If he is unable to find a job there, he will extend his search to the Pueblo area, but Springs is our first choice. Our tentative move date is the tail end of February to the beginning of March, with dental appointments and moving costs complicating things.

Now the objective is to get packed ASAP and to sell (or give away) whatever we won't need. This has become slightly harry because we will be combining two households and there is no need for two living room furniture sets. Our furniture is definitely in BAD shape, so we will be getting rid of most of it (all of it). This leaves a whole in our living room if we do end up getting an apartment of our own, but we will just carefully add to our house what we need slowly. It should be fun!

Over the next three weeks, I need to:

*organize the entire house, decluttering and collecting "like objects" together.

*sell (or list for sale) most of the furniture. We were thinking that we would try to sell things like our children's bedroom sets for very close to what we paid for them and if we don't get what we were asking for, then we will keep them. We would like to be able to purchase bunk beds for them because we will need to rent only a two-bedroom apartment and both bed sets make for a room that is far too crowded.

*pack everything...carefully! Space is at a premium, so I need to be extremely careful about what I choose to pack and how I choose to pack it. I am pretty handicapped when it comes to organizing things spatially, so this is going to take some serious planning on my part. I am employing the use of those vacuum bags for larger items like blankets and whatnot and will probably use them to pack boxes with clothes in them. I am putting away a lot of toys, since I can't give them away anymore.

*cook from my pantry! I have a large store of things in my pantry and I am going to need to organize and declutter that as well.

Blogging will have to move to a back burner, but hopefully I will be able to post pictures and stuff every week or so. I am looking forward to having this move over with!

Whoops!

2009-01-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

So, that's what I get when practicing in my blog- a phantom post. I just love looking at Mary's blog and seeing my own link. It makes me feel so special! However, when I popped over today I was surprised to see the post I had deleted. Apparently, if you post anything, the RSS feeder will update, but it isn't updating your blog, it is updating your "posts" so deleting a post didn't register. Oh well.

Must See Movies

2009-01-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

I saw this movie on Team Bettendorf's blog and just thought it was amazing!!! It would not be a good thing to preface it too highly, but just know that this movie is an essential movie to watch. I have included a link for both parts 1 & 2, but you can very easily link to part 2 after viewing view 1. It is about a hour total and worth every minute.

Ugh...Antibiotics...

2009-01-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

So I have some serious dental work coming up next week. What I thought was a root canal is now an extraction and then I have another root canal on the opposite side. Then (after our move) I will be getting braces to pull my wisdom teeth forward to cover up the gap left by the extraction...what a mess!

Anyway, because my cheeks are tender, they thought I was getting an infection and anxious to keep my mouth as healthy as possible, they decided to blast everything inside me with a week's worth of Clindamycin. Oh, joy. I have only taken one and I am starting to feel nauseous already...next time, I am taking it with crackers! In between doses I am eating yogurt. Any other suggestions on how to not destroy my body while still taking this poison?

My Not Blogging Break

2009-01-14T21:17:00.000-07:00

I am not taking a blogging break. I hate it when bloggers that I love take a break and leave me, their loyal reader, without my favorite fix! :) Obviously, I understand that blogging just doesn't come first for some people and, if you twist my arm hard enough, I might even agree that it is wrong to put a blog first, but stop twisting already, I am feeling guilty enough!

The plan that I am hoping to follow is a simple reduction in the time I spend on the computer, reducing it to only TWO HOURS A DAY. Think I can manage it? I don't either, but I have to. For too long, I have been stalking blogs, waiting for them to post something new so I can read it. I have taken to reading archives of my favorite blogs to see what happened before I found them. The problem is, the computer doesn't make for a good multi-tasker, at least not when it comes to housework. Not too long ago, I posted pictures of my perfectly clean house...it's not clean anymore! How pathetic? Can't even last a month? Granted, it is better than before, but not by much...

So, the deal I am making with myself is one hour during naptime and another hour in the evening. I will even splurge and allow myself an extra evening hour if I have everything done. I have a never-ending pile of sewing that I want to sew and yet the computer just absorbs me. It has to stop. I know that I can still enjoy things like TV and blogging, but they have to be in the correct order, they have to come after the productive hobbies.

Well, there you have it. And now on to clean up the living room before hubby comes in for the night!

Developing a Homeschool Curriculum

2009-01-12T14:16:00.001-07:00

That new CPSIA law has been on my mind a lot lately and is struck me that I had counted on purchasing at least some of my curriculum secondhand and that I would really need to take homeschooling seriously this year. My previous excuse, “she is still too young for formal schooling” has passed somewhat, or will have passed by this fall. At least in my daughter’s case, she is ready for kindergarten. Now, before the delayed-start people jump down my throat, I assure you, I plan to take this very easy. Yes, I have developed a curriculum and I am planning purchases, but I will not force my daughter to do anything she is not ready to do. The thing is, in our house, I need something formal to sit down and “do.” This gives me guidance and the plan helps me realize that I’m getting everything covered that she would otherwise cover in public school kindergarten, minus the gay sex education and whatever other “playground lessons” she would learn.

So over the last few days, I have been doing some more research into what I would like to buy and why, what the costs are, what the value of the products are (an expensive math text that I can reuse with each student is better than a middle priced consumable workbook), and so on. I have been looking into methods and curriculums and I have come to the conclusion that homeschooling is largely a trial and error type of thing. There is only so much reading about the curriculum and reading reviews will do. Eventually, you just have to pick one and start it. There are several different programs I love. I love the idea of classical education, particularly The Well Trained Mind. I have always liked this method, from the very beginning. Maybe it is because I latched on to it so early on that giving it up seems like a sacrifice too great to bear or maybe it is actually a good curriculum to follow. Next comes Sonlight. I adore Sonlight. They do all the work for you for planning and prepping and finding all the components of a great curriculum and they are already Biblically based, so unlike WTM, they do have a foundation set. Then there are the two runners up: Charlotte Mason and Tapestry of Grace. I like TOG because it combines a little of the Sonlight (pre-planned curriculum) with the WTM (classical education) plus they are also Biblically based and there is some comfort there. CM seems like a good alternative simply because I know of two different online curriculums that are free using this method. It does seem a little bit like classical education and I think I could get used to it, but it is not my first choice.

So, my "curriculum" for this summer, yes you read that right, is going to be Sonlight's P4/5 Core. I want to try to do this on my own, but Sonlight's book selection and early development handbooks seemed too good to be true, so I am going to try it out and see if it it just perfect for our family. If it is, then I will consider purchasing their Core K this fall. Otherwise, I have selected:

Bible: The Children's Illustrated Bible and the CM Method of Bible Memory

Reading: The Ordinary Parent's Guide to Teaching Reading and the Bob Book collection (along with plenty of library visits)

Read-Alouds: I have a very large list from several different sites and will just pull off from that list a week or two at a time. This is truly going to be the bulk of our homeschool time.

Writing: Zaner-Bloser. This font is just soo pretty, but if Jordyn can't handle it, then we'll switch to Handwriting Without Tears.

Math: Saxon K with manipulatives and these wooden pattern blocks. (Yes, this is an optional activity for my daughter...no pressure here. REALLY.)

Science: Everybody Has a Body: Science from Head to Toe and Mudpies to Magnets. (I think Jordyn will like these, but again...they are completely optional)

Other/Character Development: Polished Cornerstones, a character development for young girls, and Hymns for a Kid's Heart (all four sets)

So there you have it! I also plan on getting out of the house weekly. Library trips are a good start and we'll search out other field trips as time and budget allow. I think this is a particularly good start for homeschooling and a good test for me to see how well I'll do with a multi-subject curriculum. I am looking forward to doing all of this and I know that Jordyn is too. If you have any recommendations or cautions, let me know...

Chili Recipe, with Photos!

2009-01-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I have a chili recipe that I absolutely love and wanted to share. So, I took pictures of it as I was cooking and thought I'd share them. Here goes:

Recipe:

1 1/2 pounds ground beef or turkey

1 small onion (I add a green pepper and some celery)

3 cups water

12 oz. can tomato paste

12 oz. can tomato sauce (I also add a can of petite diced tomatoes)

2- 29 oz. (large) cans kidney beans (I add an extra small can of pinto beans)

4 tbsp. chili powder, this makes a nicely spiced dish. If you REALLY don't like spice, decrease it slightly, but even my kids are okay with it. You can add more chili powder to it (which I like) but it is a lot easier to add spice if you want it and nearly impossible to get it out.

2 tsp. sugar, don't leave it out!

1 tsp. oregano

2 tsp salt

1/4 tsp. garlic powder

1/4 tsp. pepper

So that is the actual recipe, but as you will see in the pictures, I deviate quite a bit. That is actually one of my favorite parts about it- there are so many ways to change it up if you need/want to.

Step 1:

Chop (dice) onion. I also dice a green pepper and 3 celery stalks, but if you don't have them on hand, no biggie. You might want to experiment with other veggie choices, but these are my normal stand-bys.

Step 2:

Add a tablespoon of coconut (or olive oil or butter) to a large skillet. If I am only using the onion and no other veggies, then I don't take this extra step, I just toss the onions and ground beef in together; it's faster and you get about the same results. It doesn't work as well when you have this many vegetables though. Since I don't always let it simmer all day, it is good to make sure your veggies are already tender.

Step 3:

Saute vegetables until tender.

Step 4:

Add the ground beef. This recipe is really good with fresh ground turkey and if you are a little short in the quantity, it doesn't matter; it's all a matter of personal preference. I have even used a 50-50 mix of turkey and beef before. You couldn't really tell. I imagine that this would work equally well with any ground meat.

Step 5:

Add all the other ingredients to the crockpot, or if you don't use one, a large soup/stock pan. Since I am using canned beans, this is really a quick meal, because you only need to cook it long enough to allow everything to warm up and mesh together (about 30 minutes) or you can let it simmer on low all day long. If you choose to use dry beans, it would probably be best to soak and completely cook them before using t his recipe since I hear tomato products inhibit the bean's ability to rehydrate and cook properly. I like kidney beans, but I am sure this would work well with any other bean. Maybe a pinto/black bean combo would be good. I also normally make this a "bean-heavy" dish, meaning that I double up on the amount of beans I am supposed to have. It stretches this meal even further.

Step 6:

Add drained ground beef to the crockpot and stir to combine everything. You can see the plastic liner I have on my crockpot. I don't always use them, but when they work, they work well. I am not sure how I feel about cooking my food in plastic though...this was my last one and I won't be purchasing them again.

Step 7:

Cook as long as you want. I prepared this at night, after dinner and let it cook on low for a couple of hours. I am going to store it in the fridge tonight and let it reheat in the crock for several hours from lunch until dinner. I take the chance to cook whenever I get it. I easily could have done all this at lunch tomorrow for dinner that same night, but this chili really is better the second day. About 10 minutes before you serve it, mix in the can of tomatoes, I use petite diced.

Step 8:
Serve! We like to eat this with whole wheat saltine crackers. I dip them in, my husband crackes them up and mixes them in. (Which probably decreases the spice a little for him...ketchup is spicy for him...:) ) We also top it with some cheese. This would be a good baked potato filling too. Next time, I am going to try it with pintos and black beans and make a "frito pie" out of it...yummy! This recipe fills my large oval crockpot (I think it's 5 quarts?) so we usually eat it once and then I save a small amount for leftovers and freeze the rest in individual servings. It is really easy to reheat and doesn't lose any flavor!

Simple Woman's Daybook

2009-01-06T10:32:00.000-07:00

Yet again, I am not doing this on Monday, but it is really the beginning of the week for me because of my strange schedule. If you like this idea, you can get all the information here.

TODAY IS TUESDAY, JANUARY 6, 2009.

Outside my window...a storm has been coming and going the last few days. Its frosty and frozen out, but then the sun comes out and melts it. Even though it is after 8:00am, the sun is still struggling to make its presence known.

I am thinking...about making radical lifestyle changes, slowly but surely; starting with a lesser dependence on electricity and working toward Biblical agrarianism.

I am thankful for...my husband. These last few days, he has gone back to his job of installation and it has been a difficult adjustment. He has been struggling and yet he goes and faces the giants every single day. He makes me very proud.

From the kitchen...hmm…consideration about dinner before the dinner hour? I might just make meatloaf, with mashed potatoes and cheese smothered on top of the cooked loaf. I make a double batch and cook it in a 9 x 13 dish so you get equal amount of cheese and meatloaf. This is my mom’s recipe and has lots of BBQ sauce in and on it (the secret to her success). This is one of my husband’s favorite meals and it’s super easy because I can make it ahead of time and just pop it in the fridge to wait for an hour before dinner. Yum…maybe I will post the recipe later!

I am wearing…my PJs…again, still. I plan on getting in the shower in the next few minutes. [Mental note: I need a better plan for the morning…] I will wear my long khaki skirt and a pink tunic shirt. I need to wear extra long shirts with that skirt because I put in a snap-fly and I didn’t do it properly so now it gapes open when I move. Most of my long shirts cover it, but I am looking forward to either losing weight and/or replacing it.

I am creating…my fall and winter wardrobe, still. I have enough material to make a complete wardrobe because my trip to Goodwill did not produce anything for a plus-sized woman. When I am done sewing, I will have 5 dresses, 3 skirts, and a brown corduroy jacket. I also bought material for matching outfits for our family for a nice Christmas picture, which I still haven’t made. Looks like I am going to select a few fabrics and vacuum seal the rest into bags for later storage. (I am getting more “SpaceSaver” bags and cubes for this purpose…I love those things-they are better than plastic storage containers for soft stuff)

I am going…to do some essentials shopping and then cleaning the bathroom and master bedroom, plus laundry…always doing laundry!

I am reading…my King James Bible, in Genesis. I love how this book comes alive for me. I always thought of it as a “boring” book- but I love it this time through!!!

I am praying…for my husband’s strength on the job and that our move will go smoothly. We still don’t have a date when we can move. I praise the Lord that our house has an offer and we are only waiting on our bank to approve the short sale. We are very short on funds and my dd Jordyn has a dentist appointment on the 13th to fix all of her teeth.

I am hearing…the sound of my washing machine spin the clothing. The freezer filling the automatic ice cube tray, the constant noises. Of course, the TV is on, but if it were off, I would still have music playing in the background. I found a new book I want to purchase called Hymns for a Kid’s Heart, which includes a CD of children singing the old hymns. Since I don’t know any of these hymns (except a few of the major ones), I really want to get my kids interested in singing them.

Around the house…the boxes need to be packed, but there is always the question of what to pack ahead of time and how to deal with the boxes once they’ve been packed. We do need to begin to pack in earnest though. Once the bank approves the sale, we will have 20 days to close escrow!

One of my favorite things…is the light from a lantern at night. It is so calming and nice. It really feels restful to walk into a semi-dark room. I could do without those noisy energy safe lights!

A few plans for the week…I plan to get some sewing done, really! I also want to get this house completely cleaned up so that I can be very careful and size-conscious about how I pack, we have a very limited amount of space…. ooh, I also want to prep some of our larger items for sale, like our gi-normous TV entertainment center.

A picture I am sharing...Noah eating snow...and not liking it.

Lantern Light and Laptops

2009-01-04T23:09:00.000-07:00

I found a cheap oil lantern and oil at Wal-Mart the other day and my husband filled it up for me this morning. Upon realizing this evening that he had done so, I decided to light it.

I have had a very bad day. Not only was I feeling under the weather (I had a migraine and resulting severe nausea) but, despite the fact that it is Sunday, my husband has returned to his "Friday's off" position and was not at home. To top it all off, I woke up in the middle of the night with a screaming tooth ache. I really need to see a dentist, immediately. [Ironically, it didn't bother me much during the day...] Because I was feeling ill, we stayed home from church and I spend some time reclining in my bedroom while my children "watched TV" in the other room. I put that in quotes because that is what they were supposed to be doing. What they were really doing was playing with my flour. I have a gigantic container of whole wheat flour (probably about 10-15 lbs worth), a 5 lb container of unbleached bread flour, and a smaller container of corn muffin mix (from bulk, maybe about 4 cups worth) stacked right in front of the pantry. They were not inside the pantry because there isn't much room, but if I reorganize it there probably will be, but I hadn't done it yet. First mistake. Anyway, the kids had dumped in some of the bread flour into the large container of WW flour and then poured a bottle of red juice into it and then added a bag of 6-7 apples and covered it with the rest of the bread flour. Of course, their aim was off and several cups of flour hit my carpeted floor. The entire container of corn bread mix also hit the floor, though a small amount made it to the bucket. My daughter had flour in her hair, that's how I knew that they were up to something. Of course, wonder child that she is, she blamed the whole thing on her brother. I was too upset to deal with them, so I sent them to play in their room while I figured out how I was going to go about salvaging what I could from their cooking disaster.

While they were in their room, they took about half the clothes off the hangers and their bedspreads off the bed. What little toys they have in their room were also in the middle of their room. They helped me straighten that (minimally...remember, my head was throbbing and I had the awful feeling of morning sickness, without the pleasant reminder that I was pregnant...) and I put the TV on again only this time, I was watching with them. They wandered around and started playing again, so I flipped it to something a little more stimulating for my adult brain. One can only take so much Dora. It was around this time that they dumped a cup of water onto my bedroom floor (also carpet) but I didn't realize it until several hours later when I stepped on the soggy animal cracker that was also dropped. They also stole and ate an entire can (small) of almonds. I was ready for naptime by now. I got out those Uncrustable sandwiches (you know the frozen PBJ sandwiches...how much more convenient can you get than frozen PBJ...you don't even have to slather on the PB, just open a plastic wrapper...all for the low low price of...nevermind, they are ridiculously expensive and only about half a sandwich, plus they are on white glue, errr bread, but the kids like them and they are a special treat). Then it was naptime.

After naptime, I was feeling slightly less nauseous but my head was killing me worse than ever. I rested in my room again. I don't know why because it didn't work the first time, but the kids are usually more interesting in the afternoon TV programming, so I thought it would just work until the medicine I had finally resorted to taking kicked in. (Mind you, I'm still in my PJs). That is about when I realized that my son had my bottle of Febreeze and had succeeded in spraying it all over the place, the hall carpet was literally soaked, there was a pool on one of the chairs (thankfully, wood chair), he "washed" one of the apples in it and then headed to his room. After covering that room in lavender fragrance, he headed into my room which is where I intercepted him. There were a million different times where I stopped a child from doing something they shouldn't have, so I suppose I should rejoice that it could have been worse.

So, to get to the actual point of why I am writing this...in the evening, I realized that my husband had filled up the oil lantern and the kids were curious what it was all about, so I read the instructions and lit the wick. After enjoying the warm light for about 20 minutes, I told them that we had to turn it off because the living room was too dirty. So, I flipped on the lights, blew out the flame and began to clean the living room. For the first time all day, the kids and I actually worked together. Jordyn and I had done some laundry, she was very excited to get to be the one that actually switched on the machine and put the soap in it. (Hmm...I think I see a daily chore here...). While that was running, we picked up the million different random things that were laying around and the kids did fairly well as "go-fers" and we had it all picked up and vacuumed before they tired of the game. I didn't pick on them when Jordyn decided that she was some sort of animal so every time I told her to put something somewhere, she carried it with her teeth (ouch!) while crawling on hands and knees. I just allowed them to help out whenever they came back into the room and I had a steady supply of things for them to run and do.

Finally, we gathered the candles out of Mommy's room (I love candles) and we put the lantern on the coffee table in the living room and we went around the house turning off the lights. It was late, so the kids didn't get to enjoy the candle light too much, but they still had fun. Now, here I am, sitting on my couch with my coffee table full of candles and one oil lantern, while I type away on my laptop. What a juxtaposition. I remember seeing that exact same thing on one of my favorite blogs, Lentils and Rice. She is taking a blogging break right now otherwise I would link to the post I am talking about. I think I could really get used to this type of lighting. It probably isn't as cheap as a battery-powered flashlight and it definitely isn't as poweful or bright, but I am thinking that in the evenings, when I want to wind down and when I want the kids to wind down, a little lantern glow and the wonderful flickering flames of candles might just be the ticket. I love it.

The lantern and oil combined cost less than $10.00 and the amount of oil I got will last for a long time. I will be doing this again, definitely. Totally worth it!!! Now, I may look into some nice beeswax candles. What a relaxing tone to set for the evenings and a wonderfully peaceful way to end this crazy day.

Am I the only one who cares about communication?

2009-01-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

Not having seen a healthy Christian relationship work...ever...I am a bit at a loss to know exactly how husbands and wives are supposed to relate to one another. I LOVE talking. It is how I process my thoughts and feelings and how I get close to another person. It is my "sex" if that is okay to say. The thing is, the person I want to talk to more than anyone else (my spouse) is not a talker.

How to I negotiate this? How do I "get all my words out" and still submit to his authority? Is my desire to discuss all my future hopes and dreams really my own assertions that he can't do the job properly, my way of taking back some control? Or is this just a need that should be met by my husband? Am I being selfish? I definitely can't trust the world's view on this and even in some Christian circles the male/female relationships have gotten convoluted.

I have been reading some good blogs lately and like I posted in the previous post, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the Christian Agrarian lifestyle and the community that can follow (or does follow if you live in Santa Anna, TX). [See Biblical Agrarianism and Lazarus Unbound and my personal favorite Country Mom, whose blog I follow on my sidebar] These issues that I keep mulling over are the ones that I so desperately want to discuss with the one person that can truly impact these decisions, my husband. He does allow me to talk about them, but the discussion is usually one-sided because he doesn't have any new information to add. It is always a sermon; me giving away information and not knowing how to ask for any reciprocation. I can't jump into this lifestyle on my own besides being completely impractical, it feels out of the bounds of womanly submission. I know that once Eric gets into this stuff, I think he will really like it (which scares me a little bit too!) because he has never been a "city boy."

Argghhh!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Do I just stay silent, on my knees waiting for the Lord to move in my husband? How much do I say, when do I say it? Ladies, please just pray for discernment on my part. I tend to focus on other people so much (and their flaws...if only he would change...) that I miss what the Lord is trying to show me. Perhaps He is showing me that I should run to Him for discussion on these topics and trust that Eric will be moved in the direction the Lord wants us to go.

Thinking...

2009-01-02T01:04:00.001-07:00

I am beginning to think that thinking is a dangerous thing to think about! ;)

So many thoughts have been swirling through that murky brain of mine lately that I hardly know which way to turn. Thoughts on headcovering, seperatism, blogs, homeschooling, agrarianism, moving to Colorado, reading, Bible study, how to spend time with your husband, do my kids know that I love them...I mean really know, baking, sewing, writing...it all intermingles into one gigantic pile of mush and I just can't sort it all out.

This is why women should not rule the world.

Anyway, lately (when I am not thinking about one of those previously mentioned topics) I have been thinking about conquering sin and how that relates to change. That was sort of the point I was trying to make in the last post but the fuzzy brain had taken over. I'm mulling it over and studying the Bible more than ever...it's a good thing, too.

Hope your New Year is looking bright!

Happy New Year!!!

2009-01-01T15:37:00.001-07:00

I rarely make New Year's resolutions...okay, so I mention the million different things I would like to change and I may even make up a very pretty chart detailing how I am going to change...and I am done changing by January 2nd! This year, I am doing things a little differently.

I am setting goals, which isn't the different part. I want to lose a significant amount of weight (60-70 pounds by this summer and I want to begin to try to get pregnant upon reaching a sustainable weight (170 pounds). I figure that I can get pretty close, losing about 10 pounds a month for 6 months...and I'll be at 170 around March or April. I always bite off more than I can chew, so these are the steps I am going to travel to get there (I will be posting this to my other website, FISH, Finally I'm Seeking Health later):

Jan: drink 8 glasses of water/day

eat one serving raw veggies and one raw fruit/day

workout with husband Mon-Sat at the gym for one hour. This is just about the only "quality time" we get- looking forward to it!

Feb: look for new recipes especially for vegetables

institute a vegetarian night

find time during the day for a small workout (ie. walk with kids, trampoline...)

Mar: add another vegetarian night

try new foods

change the workout routine, add a new exercise

look back and see how far I've come and how good I feel

Apr: begin to choose organic food

look for ways to work more in the home, cleaning thoroughly as exercise (gardening too!)

May: try something new

buy new clothes

June: congratulate myself with a dress form in my new size!

The other thing I have decided to do is to cover my head for the month of January. I already have covers and the thing is, I just haven't found enough proof to feel like I shouldn't do it. I keep telling myself it's not necessary, but why do I keep coming back to it? It doesn't take much, it doesn't hurt, it helps keep my hair out of my face (which is something I can't stand anyway!) So, my goal is to attempt it for a solid month and re-evaluate from there.

Other random things:

-I want to create a reading list, which I will post on the blog, with the assorted books I want to read this year. I will probably only pick about 20, even though I know I can read more than that

-I want to continue writing my novel(s). They are fun to write.

-I recently began a journal for my son and daughter and I want to "back-date" them with information from their younger years.

-I want to become a more proficient seamstress. I love sewing.

See, no resolutions here! :)

Look for more posts soon, my daughter has been ill and I think I might be getting a little bit of it- the head feels very fuzzy right now, just no mental clarity or ability to think or concentrate.

The Spider Saga

2008-12-19T10:37:00.000-07:00

So this was a post that I wrote for my very first blog, when my daughter was still a baby. It was written in February of 2005, but I really like it, and I think you will too. So, here goes:

Ewww, yuck! For those of you who don't know me, I hate spiders, scorpions, basically any form of bugs (or arachnid) that moves. I don't know why I have this slight terror, maybe they are just misunderstood creatures, but to me, they are creepy! Anyway, so today starts like any other morning. Jordyn wakes me up at 7:30 (I had actually been somewhat ignoring her for the last two hours in order to get some more sleep; she was dozing in and out). She plays in her room a little, for some reason she is very cheerful and active when she gets up, she doesn't get that from me! Anyway, I can smell the stinky diaper but know that I am going to have to change her clothes too, after all, it's the beginning of a new day. That leads me to remember that I still have to clean out her closet of all her "oh, so cute, way too tiny" clothes. So, as I am progressing through this heartbreaking task..."that was so cute"... "I think Mom gave that to me".... "She only wore this once"... anyway, I have moved onto doing her drawer too. Not too bad, just some old onesies to put away. Okay, we're still good here, no creepy crawly things yet...until...

I lay back and look up at the ceiling and see this little black thing near Jordyn's light. I think to myself, it has to be a fly, please let it be a fly...then it moves a little and I realize that this is no fly. Maybe a silverfish? Oh, no. It comes fully out from under the light and I see them...all eight of those terrible legs! Now, I have to mention that I have found a HUGE spider, we're talking a half dollar size on the front door, Jordyn's eye height when we were walking out. This spider, is not huge. It is small. Not quite baby spider material, maybe an adolescent (who wants them around anyway :) ) So, we're talking maybe nickel size...including legs. But this spider is invading on my child's space. Just sitting there waiting for the opportune moment to launch an offensive. Well, Jordyn was going to have to go down for her nap soon, so I knew that I had to get this trespasser out of my daughter's ceiling. I can just imagine him crawling over to the space above her crib and then slowly lowering himself...the last thing I want to see is a creepy crawly creation on my daughter. But all is good, we have a handy dandy can of spider killer, it will be over in a moment...as long as the deceased spider doesn't fall on me, we will be able to move on. Right?

I take Jordyn out of the room and put her in her Exersaucer (walker/bouncer type unit that has a bunch of toys attached to it...Jordyn loves it.) in the living room. Far removed from whatever fumes may ensue. I'm ready. I feel like I could use some more bouncing, spitting and butt-slapping, but I am prepared. I aim, shoot, and fire; unleashing this supposedly lethal blow to the enemy. Well, I obtained the element of surprise. Unfortuneately for me, I surprised the spider right onto the inside of the light fixture. Great...now I can't even back up my first blow with a second blow. The spider is still alive. Dazed and confused his is, and tries to figure out how to get himself out of this ambush. He scoots to the edge of the glass where I am ready to fire another lethal blow. No luck, he sees my attack coming and ducks. Anyway, we play this cat and mouse game for awhile. I get a stool to stand on providing myself with a way to get inside the fixture, without getting too close, I spray, he curls up into a ball...getting my hopes up. Then, two seconds later, he's back up and at 'em. By now, I assume that he's ingested enough poison to knock him dead with just one more squirt. So, I let him think he's got the advantage. I leave for a little bit and when I come back, Leggy there has gotten back onto my side of the glass and is toying with the thought of sliding down to the ground where he hopes freedom is waiting.

I see my chance and attack. No luck. This spider must have built up an immunity to this stuff! So, I realize that if he does decide to go to the floor I will be able to smash him. Not usually my favorite form of attack seeing as I have to get too close to the creature, but nothing else has worked. So, I see him test the waters (so to speak) by dangling a little. Feeling like all is well, he repels a little further. I am seeing my enemy's weakness and pick up a piece of wood. (This wood had been left in Jordyn's room by Eric because he was showing me something...I don't know why I never removed it, but now I'm glad I didn't). Leggy, seeing his potential escape begins to let loose and slide down even faster. But, I'm prepared. With a solid whack, I knocked him to the ground. Not knowing if he was dead or alive, I clobbered him again. This time, there was no doubt. He was curled into a nice little ball on the carpet. Victory!

Jordyn was getting cranky so I realized that I had no time for a proper burial (in the toilet) or even to play Taps. After all, he was a very worthy adversary. I leave him on the ground and get Jordyn. I feed in her preparation of her nap. Carefully I move my sleepy baby toward her crib, avoiding the fatal zone where Leggy lays. I kiss Jordyn "goodnight" and grab a tissue and dispose of this creature in the trash can.

All is well in la-la land now, Jordyn is sleeping and I keep jumping at every tickle or touch thinking that some of his friends or relatives saw my terrible behavior and are mounting an attack. Whoever said nature was a good thing?

Great Beginnings

2008-12-19T10:19:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I began my day by surfing the internet for several hours while my children watched mind-numbing television. Yesterday, there was no TV, but I still spent a significant portion of my morning surfing on the internet or puttering around the house. You know puttering, right? For me, it involves a round trip from my bedroom to the kitchen, whereupon I open the fridge, close the fridge, tell the kids to go play and meander back to the bedroom, climb in and pop the computer back on. Lest you begin to think that I am recommending this style of life as a “great beginning” let me reassure you. The afore-mentioned scenario is not the ideal or goal or is in any way to be emulated by anyone, ever.

I am fond of telling anyone that I am not a morning person, which is true. I frequently remind my husband that I just have trouble getting started in the morning and that I don’t really get going until the late afternoon, which is happily for me, when my husband gets home and I can therefore justify the cessation of all objectionable activities straightaway. And I wonder why the housework doesn’t get done.

Ironically, though perhaps that it a misuse of the word, I am able to function in the morning. I was in the military and they are known to say, “we get more work done before 9 am than most people do all day” and I have attended for a bunch of years, a school system which still, for reasons unbeknownst to me, prefers the morning hours as the most preferable for instruction. Yet in both instances, I was able to perform tolerably well in both these cases over a significant number of years. The fact that I don’t prefer it really ought not to make much of a big deal, but it does.

So far, I have developed two coping mechanisms. One, copious amounts of coffee, pre-programmed so all I have to do it roll out of bed and pour a cup. I’ve even considered moving the coffeemaker to my nightstand so I won’t even having the trouble of getting out of bed before consuming caffeine (yes, that was a joke…). The other, perhaps slightly more sustainable approach is to shower as soon as I wake up. Generally, I start a brewing cycle of coffee, then get in the shower, but the actual sprinkling of water upon my body in the morning seems to do the trick.

Of course, I am trying to work out more and as always, the morning hours get the best prize. My husband and I have just started a morning routine working out together which does get you up and going, but then I end up completing my day in sweaty clothes because I never showered. The idea of showering at the gym is a possibility... but have you ever been to a gym with all these women running around naked with no shame? I mean, it’s one thing to doff the towel to rub lotion on your legs at home, but at the gym??? Please, cover up already!!! [Okay, ranting aside] The possibility here is good, plus it gets me out of the house which means I can run errands in the morning on days that I need to do that….Hmm, possibilities.

The key to having a great beginning is to have a purposeful evening. Set yourself up for success and don’t stay up until 1:15am writing a blog post (oops), get to bed early. Instead of plunging into piles of clean laundry on the floor in the morning, at least remove one outfit per person to hang on a hook for the morning. The few (and I mean very few) times that I have done that, I have been amazed at how much easier it is to accomplish what I want out of the day. Usually by the time my kids get ready for bed, I am desperately ready for them to go to bed too and picking out an outfit is just not on the list. Gradually, though, I think they will get used to the idea of picking out clothes and getting dressed when you wake up….or at least that is what I am trying this week.

A List of Accomplishments

2008-12-16T09:47:00.000-07:00

I found this list Meme on this blog which I have never read before, but this looked interesting and fun to me. I bolded the ones that I have already done and italicized the ones that are on my "goal list." For fun, I explained (I always take advantage of a chance to use as many words as possible!) :)

1. Started your own blog, um, you're reading it...
2. Slept under the stars, in a tent (but we could see the stars)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you could afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/land, I grew up in Southern California...we went regularly; I would love to go to Disneyworld though!
8. Climbed a mountain!
9. Held a praying manits
10. Sang/played a solo, It was O Holy Night for a voice class in college. I missed the high note.
11. Bungee jumped, Close enough, I did one of those large bungee attractions. It was fun.
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train, We went from Seattle to Chicago, it was a blast and we'll do it again!!! Much better than a plane...
21. Had a pillow fight Yesterday, actually and almost everyday
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a homerun
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied, I should have this already!!!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke, It was forced upon me...
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance, a serious gall-bladder attack, called 911 and everything!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain, Its always raining here, we have lots of opportunities!!!
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie, I was in Rudy. I was part of the crowd cheering "Rudy, Rudy..." at the end of the movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business, several times- they have all failed
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platettes or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcyle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book, that would really be a dream come true!!!
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible, how embarrassing that I can't say yes!!!
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life I was a lifeguard...and a young boy jumped off a diving board into the deep end, came up in the "drowner's position" before going under. I was in the water and got him out safely. I don't think he swam again the rest of the day...
90. Sat on a jury, I have jury duty scheduled at the end of the month...
91. Met someone famous, wouldn't know them if I saw them...
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved-one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Yup..that's my life...

Another Update on Katie

2008-12-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

My sister Katie has been dealing with a variety of health problems, all seemingly circular, one causing the other and no real original cause until a month ago when she had an exam and the doctor (finally!) noticed a tumor or fibroid growing in my sister's uterus. She scheduled Katie for surgery and that took place yesterday.

They were able to do a laparoscopic surgery to remove this tumor/fibroid/bloody mass. It was about 3 inches long, which is about the size of a 3 month old "pre-born" baby, without the cute fingerprints and essential heartbeat, of course. No wonder Katie's body has been acting crazy!!!

We are hoping that this will cure Katie's constant anemia and "endometriosis" and create a new, healthy sister once again. Hooray! Sing praises to the Lord!!!

Clean House!

2008-12-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

I was getting ready for dinner and the kids were acting crazy when my phone rang two days ago. It was a realtor who wanted to see our house (yeah!!!) but as I looked around I began to panic. My house wasn't close to clean. She set an appointment for 10:30 in the morning, which was workable. I started cleaning immediately and stayed up until 2:00am! I got up at 7:00am and continued to clean until the appointment. My husband stayed up until 11:00pm cleaning with me and in the morning, he cleaned the outside of the house for me before going to work!!! Amazing. In the end, we did get it done, had two visits and now I feel like I am living in someone else's house!!! It is really enjoyable knowing that I am sitting at my computer right now in the middle of the morning and I have already done the dishes, started dinner, done laundry and my house is clean!!! The kids and I are going to run around and straighten up before lunch and naps and before dinner (and probably before bed too!) in order to train them to keep up the house. I feel like I have a new lease on life!!! (Just wait till I lose the weight too!!! I'll be unstoppable!!!)

Anyway, I have seen photo tours of home and I have always wanted to do it, but have never had my entire house cleaned at one time before. So today I went around taking pictures of all the rooms and I will post them here, for my sake as well as yours.

This is the view from the front door. I know, not much to look at :). You can see the kids' Christmas project on the right, which is hanging at the edge of the living room. The dining room is to the left and the kitchen is off that. Down the hall, you can see my "laundry room" and straight into my bedroom. A hall in front of my door leads to the bathroom. The door next to mine is the kids' room and the third room is next to that (behind that closet on the left). Whew! Here are the pictures!

This is the dining room, taking from the kitchen. I have two pantries, one on either side of the table. I use the glass door one for my regular food and the other closet-looking one for bulk storage and baking stuff. You can see my huge fruit bowl. Yum!

This is my kitchen from the dining room. I have beans cooking away in the crockpot for dinner tonight. I think I'll pair them with some bacon, veggies and rice and make a thick soup/stew dish. Served with crackers and a salad, I think.
The pictures got out of order at this point, but this is a view of my living room, standing in the hallway (about where the kids' project was hanging). My couches are ancient and so I have slipcovers for them. You can see my (purple :>) laptop on the coffee table and the little folding I pull out of the corner to make my "portable office" that I am sitting at right now. We have another computer set up off to the left, which the kids were playing on this morning. Good for parental supervision! We have removed the TV from this room and are storing it at a neighbor's house until it sells. In place of the TV, I have used the whole in our entertainment system for storage and covered it with a curtain.
This is the second half of the kitchen. You can see I have two window right next to the sink, which is really nice. I can watch the sunset from my window every night. My fake flowers make a completely unusable space pretty. My kids LOVE the letter magnet game on the fridge! You can also see their handprint that I will be sending to a lucky grandparent for Christmas (framed!)
So that's it...look for part two!!! The bedrooms!!!

Clean House, part 2!

2008-12-10T12:05:00.000-07:00

I couldn't upload more than 5 pictures in the post (I don't know why!) so here is the second half of my house.

First, the Master bedroom. Eric is a big fan of tigers and he bought that blanket in Iraq. It has found a home on our bed while I am making a quilt for us. I will likely only make a duvet cover and buy a cheap comforter to fill it with. We have a King Sized bed so washing a bedspread is impractical at best. I have a green bed skirt, but it is in the wash today. :)
This is the kids' room, which as you can probably tell by the color, it was originally just Jordyn's room. The pictures she has on the walls were all taken by my mom. The afghan she has on her bed was also made by my mom and Jordyn has had it since she was born.
It is perhaps too much furniture to cram into one room but I have found that I really like the kids sharing a room for now. You can see Noah's afghan on his bed, which he uses as a "blankie" and dearly loves.
This was Noah's room, but is now the play/book/TV/storage room. I originally cleared it out to have a place to put the boxes I'd packed but it rapidly turned into a multi-purpose room, including a library. Those white shelves go across the entire length of the room and are filled with books (only the ones I want to sell, the good ones are packed already).
So there you have it. A tour of my home...my clean home! Hope you enjoyed it!!!

Cute Movies...

2008-12-08T10:02:00.001-07:00

Despite what I should be doing, I still spend a lot of time on the computer. I am trying to get my kids more involved, when they are misbehaving and need to come sit next to me or just want to cuddle, this movie is a cute one to pop on to YouTube. Its just the alphabet song, with simple magnets, but my kids loved it! They also loved the "monkeys on the bed" which was linked to after the ABC song. Try 'em out!

ABC Song
Monkeys on the Bed

Labor Pains

2008-12-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

Labor hurts. I think most (if not all) women approach labor and the impending delivery with mixed feelings; joy for the new life and fear of the unknown (and sometimes known) pain. At some point you feel like it just can’t be done, you can’t stand the pain any longer, can’t push anymore…and then they tell you the baby is crowning, you’re almost there, just a little more….with a little more effort, your hard work, blood, sweat and tears have resulted in a beautiful baby. The sound of that piercing cry announcing their presence makes it worth it, and you forget that you ever thought you couldn’t do it. I’m in labor right now, albeit a different variety. I won’t produce a crying baby from this labor, but I might just push through to find a happier, more content family.

We had a busy day today, all in different places, but we ended our days at Wal-Mart doing some grocery and random things shopping. By the time we brought in all the stuff, we were ready for a quick dinner and a nice relaxing evening. Noah, on the other hand, had other plans. He wanted to watch TV. My little 2 year old plopped himself on the couch and repeatedly said, “T-view” which is his version of “TV”. This isn’t abnormal and most of the time, he gets his way. Tonight, I told him no, but he kept repeating himself (he does that often). Then Eric stepped in and told Noah no. Eric has a louder voice than I do. Noah bust into tears. The tears didn’t dry up so Eric sent him to his bed (where are children are told to go if they feel the need to cry). Eric was so upset at Noah’s need to have the TV on that he removed the whole thing several minutes ago. Not only that, but he took out the DVD player (which wasn’t a whole lot of good without the TV, I must admit). I feel like Noah, ready to bust into tears.

The kids might enjoy watching TV and Noah really does seem to have a “need” to watch TV, at least it is the first thing he turns to for comfort and in boredom, but it’s really me that has the need. I love being able to “sleep in” on the couch when I have a bad morning. I love being able to shower during the day. I love being able to direct my children somewhere and have them go willingly and stay there so that I can get something done. I love sitting in front of it myself, watching brainless shows. I love being able to put it on even if it serves as only background noise. What don’t I like? I don’t like that I like those things! I want my children to grow up watching me doing the cooking and cleaning and be working right along side me. I want my kids to break out a game to play when they are bored. I want to have time to read to my children. I want my kids to learn at home, and actually learn! But it still hurts.

This is the labor pain; where I must endure something painful in order to give life to something completely new and wonderful. A woman rarely labors alone, she always has a support system in place, people to comfort and to encourage. She sometimes has a knowledgeable person present who can tell her how much further she has to go and to remind her about what she will gain from persevering through this trial. I find that comfort system in the blogs I read, my family, my husband, and mostly in my Lord. He is my Comforter, the one shouting at me in a mixture of excitement and angst, “you’re almost there, don’t stop yet!”

In many ways, labor is just like anything else in life. We go through the fire in our spiritual lives and come out sanctified and closer to God. We struggle to build up a marriage and end knowing each other better than we know ourselves. As a family, our goal is to be beacons to the world, to support and edify each other, to learn to serve and to unconditionally love each other. A family is a safe place to try new ideas, develop lasting friendships, to learn values and beliefs and bring glory to God. The television doesn’t help any of those things. It is a time waster. There is very little material benefit, and though there are good shows to watch (I personally like watching The Duggar’s show, 17 Kids and Counting), not watching them is just fine as well.

I was at my strongest over four years ago when, after having pushed for three and a half hours, my daughter was still unwilling to come out. They told me that I would need a C-Section and the doctor left to go prep the room. The last thing that I wanted was a C-Section. The nurse in front of me knew that and she told me that I didn’t need one, that I could do it. During the next 30 minutes I was pushing well and my daughter was crying on my stomach. Without that nurse, I might have given up. I knew better, I knew what I wanted but I didn’t think I could do it. I DID IT!!! I pray that I can go back to that moment when my will overcame my want.

Blogging Breaks and Moving

2008-12-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am not taking a blogging break, but it seems like some of my favorite blogs are. It is probably only one or two, but it feels like a lot more than that. I am realizing that I am addicted to these blogs and that is a dangerous place to be. I remember reading in Created to Be His Help Meet, by Debi Pearl, as she discusses Titus 2: 4-5 that women should be keepers at home. I am a stay at home mom, and I am fighting for the ability to stay at home with the kids during our financial problems yet, am I really at home? When Debi says, “Modern inventions have provided a way for a woman to stay at home and still not be a keeper at home. We can sit at home in body while traveling in spirit by means of the telephone and the computer,” (pg. 212, emphasis hers). What a fitting description of me! I recognize where I am sinning, though I haven’t put that word on it. I call myself a “late-riser” or justify myself by saying that “I’m just not a morning person” as though that somehow gives me the ability to lounge about in the mornings, sipping coffee and surfing the internet while the dishes build up in the sink, the laundry piles grow ever more daunting daily and my children hang out with their friends from Nick Jr. After working so hard during the morning hours, I usually feel the need to nap with the children. If this is not idleness, what is? I have recently started adding a daily chapter from Proverbs into my daily Bible reading and I have found a new favorite verse: “Yet a little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to sleep: so shall thy poverty come as one that travelleth; and they want as an armed man.” Proverbs 24:33-34. And that’s not the only one!!! Proverbs has at least 6 other references to indolent sleep! Guess my problem is a common one? The good news, it isn’t a problem, it is a SIN and since it is a sin, I can go to my Heavenly Father, confess it and be forgiven. Not only that, but He has given me His Holy Spirit to guide me so that I don’t keep sinning!!! What a blessing, praise the Lord!!!

So, where do I go from here? I am starting, as I posted those 5 Simple Rules, to eliminate those distractions from my mornings, in particular. Instead of napping, I want to give myself the ability to read the blogs and surf the internet or call a friend (or my sister, as the case may be) but this way I avoid actually sleeping and I still get the refreshment that is important. The other thing I want to incorporate is “outing days” where the kids and I go out at least twice a week. We have a wonderful Hands On Children’s Science Museum with all sorts of fun activities and we have an annual pass! So it costs us only what we spend to get there…and we can take the bus! I would also like to add a weekly trip to the library. Between those two activities, I would love to add a “community service” type of activity but I don’t know how to go about finding one that is appropriate for young children. Suggestions? I know it is important to instill this into my children and this is a good time in their lives, before schoolwork consumes them (which is still a few years off anyway, I plan to start slowly). Hopefully, adding in a few extra morning activities will be enough to get us going.

The major thing that this gap in other people’s blogs has reminded me is that it is time to pack up my belonging and get moving. For starters, I need to decide, room by room, item by item, what I want to keep and what needs to go to Goodwill or yard sale. Then, after the non-essentials have been packed, they need to be sent to my mother’s house for the time being. After that, we should only have the few possessions that we use on a daily basis. This is a harder step than I anticipated and I find myself holding on to the strangest things. I have sorted my books recently, but deciding which ones to leave out temporarily has caused me some grief (I want to keep them all!) and I am noticing that we have far too many clothes, towels, and sheets. Time to downsize!!! We each only need one towel, right? I am really looking forward to this process, even though it is a slightly painful one; it is good to confront the issue head-on. We might be forced to move quickly and not knowing is allowing me to procrastinate so I am trying to set mini-goals for myself; like a box a day or something similar. It’s all gotta go eventually!!!

Thanks for your prayers and concern over the last few days (and weeks).

5 Simple Steps

2008-12-02T13:01:00.001-07:00

After having a couple of good responses to my previous post, I decided to start with 5 simple steps toward a simple life. It's an obvious enough reason: doable change.

1. Create healthy menus based on "staples" that can be stocked up and saved or prepared ahead of time. Create a recipe collection for inspiration.

2. NO TV in the mornings. This is going to be hard, but it is when we watch the most TV, so cutting it out is essential.

3. Cultivate contentment by purposefully thanking God for what I already have whenever I find myself being greedy or covetous; appreciate the clothes I already have and focus less on what I could have (if I just started sewing).

4. Clean! When the "blahs" set in during the morning, begin moving! Focus on a room (following the chart I have already created) and do it!

5. Move! Incorporate exercise into our now TV-free mornings by starting the day with a good walk with the kids or an evening walk as a family or jump for a minute every hour or scrub the floor or...adding physical activity to my day even in small amounts.

How does that sound? Now I have to go clean!

A Simpler Life

2008-11-28T10:23:00.000-07:00

I am usually completely upfront and honest about my thought and feelings on this blog. Maybe that comes from my experience writing a journal (which is how this blog started) or my relative inexperience with writing to an audience about a particular topic (to pull that off you need to be educated about whatever you're writing about and I feel like I am only at the learning stage of these things...). So yet again, I post yet another "this is what I've been thinking about" blog. Interestingly enough, I find that is what occupies my mind these days, not the actual doing (which would be worth writing about) but the thinking about doing (which leads to overly-emotional-practically-useless posts).

The latest (and repeating) thought is that, like so many blogs that I am following, I want to lead a simple life. We are a young family of four, in more debt than my husband can reasonably make in a year (not including the two new cars we own) and we have four television sets of which at least one is running most hours of the day. My house is dirty and I am frustrated. Sounds pretty, right? Of course not!!! Maybe the problem is that I keep thinking about solving my problem instead of acting on my problems. No matter what, the time has come to sell our belongings. I have been changing slowly but surely and I really do feel the conviction to lead a simple, if slightly "abnormal" lifestyle. Things like using candles and oil lamps, making my own soap, washing laundry by hand and cooking using old-fashioned simple food seems perfect for our family.

When I first started wearing dresses, I thought that the purpose was to wear a dress, that there wasn't much rhyme or reason behind it. Sure, I read the arguments about being modest, but I thought pants and modesty weren't mutually exclusive. Then I began to ponder feminine but again found that women can look feminine in pants. That is until I began to define feminine. I no longer think that women can look very feminine in pants. It is possible, but rare. Women these days confuse sexy with feminine and most of the time, I think that a woman will look feminine by wearing a nice blouse, but pairing it with jeans just kills it for me. What I began to discover is that the dress actually revealed the heart. It wasn't used as a cover-up or a distraction, it was the outward displaying of the heart. What I like about wearing dresses isn't their comfort but that they help me discover what is in my heart.

My household possessions do the same thing. I look around and I don't see memories of my kids building a fort or reading a story, but watching TV or a movie. My almost three year old is in love with TV, to the point that he specifically asks for it and "needs" it each day. To wean him off TV is a loud process, but better to do it at 3 than 13! I long for the days where my children and I go through the house cleaning it and rewards ourselves with time spent in a good book. That life sounds idyllic and fanciful and also unattainable. I have daily proof through the blogs that I read that this life is possible. People do exist without a TV, people do manage to spend time together as a family without stress and arguing, women are able to get their chores done during the day. I acknowledge that people rarely put their worst foot forward on their blogs (though I have no problem doing it!) so what I am reading is the best possible scenario. However, these women are committed to it and they are happier because of it.

So the material effect from all this thinking is that my husband and I are preparing to move and we will be taking an extremely hard look at what to keep. Questions like, is this good for the family? Will this build us up together as a family of God? Is this item going to steal time from my family? Is there a strong emotional attachment to this item? Is it necessary? Do I love it? From these questions I hope to separate the wheat from the chaff and (while saving money on the move!) benefit my family. This is a hard process for us and it goes against conventional wisdom. We are hoping to sell quite a few of our household possessions and not replace them at all, instead choosing to do without until we can afford to purchase them. We will use the proceeds from the sale of our belongings to pay for our move and pay off some debt, if there is anything left.

Have I mentioned the move? We are moving from Washington to Colorado in January which will put us much closer to family. We are all very excited about this move, but the logistics of it are a source of constant confusion. This next year will definitely be "unconventional" as we try to get back on our feet! If anyone has specific tips on how to go about selling our household goods, how to begin to live a simple life (ie. what should we change first and/or how to go about changing it) or anything else that is appropriate, that would be great! I have yet to delete a comment and don't have a problem posting (polite) dissenting opinions.

Babysitting and Homeschooling?

2008-11-22T01:42:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking more about homeschooling lately. Jordyn is getting close to school age and she is eager to go to school. We live across the street from a (bad) public school, but she is so excited about going. Awhile back, last spring, when it was still very cold and the dew still froze the grass every night, I was lazy in the morning. The kids were still in their "footie-style" jammies and I had (of course) turned on the TV. I was working on my computer which happened to be in the master bedroom, Jordyn came in at one point to tell me she was going to school, but I didn't understand. Imagine my dread as I realized that I didn't hear the usual whining and screaming. I quickly came around the corner and the front door was ajar. I ran out the door screaming my daughter's name, still in my PJs too. It was then that I noticed the two little figures in the jammies crossing our frozen field of grass heading toward the school. She was 3 and holding her 2 year old brother's hand sopping wet feet even in their little footies. Thankfully, they came when called and promised never to leave again without Mommy or Daddy. We installed a top bolt later that day.

This story breaks my heart twice; once, that she is so eager to go to school to learn and I am letting her and her brother watch countless hours of TV which brings me to number two, that I am just an awful, selfish parent. I didn't even hear them go!!! I have spent the last four years pushing my kids aside with movies and TVs so that I don't have to get involved with them, after all, I'm busy surfing the internet! I have a deep regret about the way I have been parenting. Today was one of those days. I kept getting up to do something, but sitting down again a minute later. I ran off on all sorts of non-productive tangents and ended up with an entire day wasted. It struck me that I wasn't a mother, instead, I was a babysitter: waiting until the real authority showed up and I could go back to what I was doing. OHHHH, I love my kids, I want to teach them, I want to nurture them, I want to see them to come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. HOW? How can I even come close to doing anything like that for my children? I am so self-absorbed 80% of the time that when I finally do pull myself together, I am so busy "catching up" that I can't be bothered with my kids either! What a heartache this is... "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." -Proverbs 29:15. What a painful verse to read, but I must be made to see, I am forcing my children away.

Please pray for me, confronting this requires digging through years of personal baggage. I have been selfish from the get-go (just watch some of my childhood home-movies!) but I am a new creature in Christ and bound to sin no more, but that doesn't mean it makes it easy, it just means I have a Rock to go to for strength. Praise God for that!!!

So often I feel like my kids deserve better than me. I think that is where I come back to homeschooling. I know in my heart that it is the best method, that it is the right thing to do, but then I think about how excited Jordyn is to go to school and I think to myself, that it might just be better that she go. She would get a better education...even if it's a lousy one!!! As the pressure starts to build about what she should know or should be able to do or be doing, I begin to further doubt my abilities, despite what I know to be true.

Changing, Changing...

2008-11-20T16:40:00.000-07:00

The battle against your flesh really is a never-ending one, isn't it?

The last several days I have been searching through my favorite blogs, reading of course, but also picking through the links that they read. This ever increasing blog roll has created hours and hours of "dish-procrastinating" reading but also a few new favorites. One of them is Team Bettendorf and the other is the Ante family's blog, and the wife, Kris has her own, here. These new blogs have just made me start to reconsider aspects of my life. Kris has posted some articles about headcovering (because she does) and I want to read them. They make me feel like I should cover, so I'm back into this debate again...I just can't seem to decide!!!

Don't Worry, It's only a Tumor!!!

2008-11-15T18:48:00.000-07:00

My sister, Katie, has been in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals for about two years now because of frequent anemia, heavy periods, endometriosis and the fact that they were completely unable to find a reason for all the problems going on. Katie finally changed doctors to one that would be a little more proactive about finding the actual problem while still treating the symptoms. (Her previous doctor told her that (at age 25) she was a lost cause and needed a hysterectomy.) During an exam where the doctor was actually able to insert a camera she exclaimed, "Katie, I know what your problem is! You have a tumor!" Usually there would be some sorrow or upset, but there was joy in the room because this three inch long fibrous tumor that had taken up residence in Katie's uterus was operable! Not only that, but it is fibrous, and benign...no cancer.

Now, Katie is scheduled for an MRI that will determine the exact parameters and how to best remove it. Apparently there are three different ways to remove the tumor, depending on size and placement. It is extremely likely that this tumor is what has been causing the painful cycles, anemia, and is likely what doctors confused for endometriosis! Praise the Lord!!! I'll post more when I know what else is going on, but for now, I give thanks and praise to my glorious Lord!!!

***I stand corrected, my sister, Kelly (Katie's twin) informs me that it is technically NOT a tumor but a fibroid...I don't really know what the difference is, perhaps composition, but either way, I can rejoice that the doctors have a last FOUND SOMETHING!!!

Politics and Religion

2008-11-05T00:08:00.000-07:00

I am not fond of discussing politics overly much. I always feel inadequate to carry on a conversation. I rarely have all the data, but with the information I do have, I make the best decision I can.

Though the votes are not all in, it is obvious that Obama is to be the next President of my nation. I am unhappy with this decision on a political level- I disagree (and vehemently) with many of his policies. I think he is the wrong candidate for the position but what I think doesn't matter. In what is perhaps, the first (major) time in my life, I can let go. Obama's policies are liberal at best, communist at worst. I can either wring my hands and fret or I can trust God in His ability to work all things together for good. These next four years are probably going to be extremely upsetting to Christians, especially conservative ones. I can be thankful that God is in control. Now I know to watch the sky and pray, for surely the day is coming.

I have always found it interesting that America is not in the Bible. The Book of Mormon added an entire account of the Americas and though I believe that the Book of Mormon is a false doctrine, I think its funny that Americans have always wanted to put their stamp on the map, but in the greatest Book of all time, we aren't there.

Anyway, Jess over at Making Home has a post about how we are to pray for our leaders, even ones we don't agree with. I commit to praying for our current President, be it Democrat or Republican for as long as I live. I probably won't pray everyday, but I will pray when I think of it throughout my week because a prayer is more powerful than a vote!

These are just my thoughts for today. In other, completely unrelated, news: I finished sewing a skirt today and plan on making several more over the next few weeks. I bought a new pair of boots at Wal-Mart for less than $20 and they promptly gave my blisters on my heels. Anyone know how to prevent blisters? These boots must last through this winter and quite possibly, next one too. I will take pictures when my wardrobe is complete!

The Heart of the Matter

2008-10-29T00:46:00.000-06:00

(This post began as a response to Anastasia-Jane's comment on my "My Issue with the Issues" post but it was just too long to post...and too important, so I've posted it here!)

I have always been one to give in to peer pressure, whether good or bad and for the longest time, I have always wanted to just fit in to a group. I have never fit into a group before and I don't make friends easily or keep them long when I do. I think all of that "baggage" is what is preventing me from seeing what is right in front of my face!

I don't look good in long skirts, I am about 75 pounds overweight and skirts are just NOT flattering when you are heavy. Sure, dresses can hide little indiscretions here and there, but they only work to accentuate the extra weight I'm carrying around. However, despite the fact that I look poorly in them, I have felt called to wear them. I feel better when I wear long skirts and I like it when my daughter does too. Frankly, at my weight dresses and skirts are just more comfortable because there is less pulling and tugging going on. So, for now, I am settling on the comfortable, God-honoring, modest, but completely unfashionable and unattractive skirts and dresses. As I lose the weight (see my other blog!) I hope to be able to begin to look nice in dresses again. I know I will once the weight is gone, and I'll probably look better than I would in pants!!!

I know I've said a lot already but when you said that "God would lay in on your heart to change," it made me think of what God is teaching me. I am learning about all of these different "conservative" approaches and I have tried them all with varying degrees of "success" but the real lesson isn't in putting on a particular garment (skirt or headcovering) it is in my ATTITUDE, my heart that reveals what I am truly wearing. Whether I am wearing pants or a skirt, when I confront my husband over an issue, I disrespect his authority over me and disgrace my Father in heaven. I am learning so much about my place in the world, in society, in the home and under God. These things have been HARD for me to learn because it isn't as easy as putting on a dress! I wish it was...but God is working on changing my heart. I praise Him for this stressful time because I know He is changing me into the woman that he wants me to be! My husband has already noticed a difference in my attitude toward him when I am wearing pants and when I am wearing skirts.

As I try to take it one day at a time, I am realizing that wearing these unattractive outfits keeps the vanity off of myself. I don't have to fret about my "butt looking big in these jeans" because I'm not wearing jeans, I am wearing a modest dress or skirt. Sure, I am looking wider than I actually am, but I can give that to God. He has created me just as I am and loves all my curves, even the ones I want to get rid of! See, it's really a heart issue. I have been complaining about my hair lately because it isn't long and beautiful like so many other women. I want it to be long and beautiful and either straight or curly. My hair can't decide what to be and just ends up frizzy, I get frustrated with it in the morning and am tempted to whine and complain...this is my heart!!! I am now turning to thanks all my complaints. "I hate scrubbing toilets! Thank you Lord that I have indoor plumbing, that my son is still too young to make cleaning around the side an arduous task. Thank you Lord that you have given me hands to work that I might bless my family with them." And so goes my day. This can only be the Lord changing me. Oh, how I want to be changed!!! "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 KJV

Pumpkins!!!

2008-10-28T15:20:00.000-06:00

We went to the pumpkin patch several weeks ago and though my husband carved the kids' pumpkins, he didn't touch ours so they were sitting out on our front doorstep. Yesterday, our kids were playing with the bocce ball set and decided to use one of them like a mallet and smash in the top of Daddy's pumpkin. So, today I am faced with gutting the pumpkin before it rots....but, I decided to bake the pumpkin! Usually, I bake pumpkin bread but I have always used the canned variety. I saw a blog the other day on how to bake pumpkins and decided to give it a shot!

So, now I am looking for recipes to do something with all this pumpkin pulp I have on hand! I found a good website, Pumpkin Nook Cookbook, that seemed to have some good recipes. What I am really looking for is pumpkin pancakes. I have heard good things before, so now I have a recipe for them...my pumpkin seeds are done now, so I'm going to crunch away!

My Issue with the Issues

2008-10-27T23:47:00.000-06:00

When I first started this conservative Christianity journey, like I have said before, I was really skeptical of the whole thing. I didn’t understand the claims or positions of the different groups. One thing I have found since discovering Conservatism that disturbs me is the number of ways to “classify” a person. Perhaps I am still looking in on a totally foreign concept, but I almost feel like I am changing religions, that I can now be in the ranks of “super-Christians” or some other such nonsense. I have noticed (at least) four groups of people who move in these conservative circles: one, the KJV only believers, two, the modesty and femininity are the hallmarks of the female species, women and girls wear exclusively long(ish) skirts or dresses, and three, women (and girls) shall keep their heads covered at all times and four, always home school. Along with these four main topics there seem to be at least a few other issues like diet and church preference that further divide us.

I look at all these topics, not because I disagree and find fault in these issues, but because I agree with these issues and find fault in their practice. I know (or at least I am very confident) that none of these women’s blogs would argue that any of those things are essential for salvation, which rules out “legalism” as a method for adding anything except grace through faith in Jesus Christ for salvation, but I wonder about legalism in the way we live our lives. Is it purely from the Bible or is it a way to unnaturally separate ourselves from the world and be proud of it?

I am really fighting this: am I wearing modest (long) skirts and dresses out of submission to my husband (who doesn’t care if I wear pants) and God who declares that I should be MODEST/CHASTE and FEMININE? Is a long skirt the only way to accomplish both of those things? Can I wear a well-cut, not skin-tight, pair of pants and a nice blouse and still be feminine? Am I wearing those clothes merely to be different and to be accepted by a particular group in society? I want to throw out my pants; I only wear them because they are easy and “modern” so I won’t make other people uncomfortable by my appearance (like my mom, for example). I want to dress my daughter in pretty feminine clothes, but she wears mostly pants. How does all this dress-wearing work in winter? We are moving from Washington state (semi-mild winter) to Colorado (not so mild winter) and we are moving in JANUARY!!!

Then I look at the King James Only debate and while I was completely convinced not too long ago, I have since begun to think differently. I DO find the KJV harder to understand. Yes, the words themselves are simpler, but the order of the words makes it difficult to understand the sentence. I read the NKJV, as does the pastor at my church and I enjoy it. My version pulls from both the “oldest” text that the NIV uses and the more historical version that the KJV uses, in the notes whenever the texts disagree, the NKJV translators included an asterisk and then writes out what the other version said. If I am unsure about something, I will usually take it to the KJV because I do believe in the historicity of the text forming the KJV. However, I did ask my sister who took the Christian Apologetics Master program at Biola University and her belief is that the only infallible Word of God is the original language and that the translations that we use are still useful for doctrine and correction but as they are translations cannot be considered in the same class as the inspired word of God. We know there are mistakes in the KJV, sure many of them were typos, but how many misprints are in the original text? None. I don’t mind using the KJV and I don’t care for the NIV or any of the ultra modern New Living Translation because I think they inhibit a person from truly understanding. When you don’t have to think when you read, you can easily pass over a passage, but when you have to work at understanding it, your brain recalls better. See? I’m up in the air here as well. This one feels a little less “important” because it is a pretty private issue, I think. It is easier to keep this decision between God and me.

Then we have head covering. I used to think that women should cover, but I kept going back and forth and while I think that it can be beneficial, I don’t think that at this time, God is calling either me or my daughter to cover our hair, our bodies, yes.

Finally, home schooling. Honestly, this is my plan, but I am having my doubts about whether I can do it. This is supposed to be my “test” year because Jordyn is in preschool right now. I am doing NOTHING. It seems like she is learning NOTHING!!! Perhaps, if we are in a good school district, we will try Kindergarten for her. She is really excited about “going to school” and I think she would like it. My daughter has a tendency to be shy and she doesn’t really have other kids to talk to, so school might be good for her. I know what I want. I want to use The Well-Trained Mind and give my kids a great academic life. What I am doing is letting them watch countless hours of Dora and all her Nick Jr. buddies. How do I get there?

One trend I am noticing is that I need to “fix myself” first. I think God is working hard on me now because so many aspects of my life have been either put under a microscope or thrown into the flames. I can only come out better since God has begun a good work in me and will be faithful to finish it! Praise the Lord for that or all these musings would be depressing indeed!!!

Tomorrow's Plans

2008-10-19T23:50:00.000-06:00

I have a lot to do tomorrow. Now that I have all but dropped out of school, I am feeling so much less burden and so much more peace. I really want to finish my degree, but not at the price I was paying. Anyway, the state I have been in has allowed me to become more lax with my housework, so tomorrow is going to be a push-start day for me.

I hope to:

-do all my dirty dishes (there are A LOT!!!)

-go to the gym, working out needs to come higher up for me at this time in my life

-straighten living room and vacuum, process the paperwork that's piling up

-scrub bathroom

-complete load of laundry and fold and hang my "leftovers"

I don't plan on wearing myself out, just my normal morning and afternoon cleaning, plus the dishes and laundry, which "don't count." In addition to the things I purpose to do, I would like to do some sewing. I haven't found any decent dresses or skirts in my price range for my size, so I have purchased a significant amount of material (it's enough for my wardrobe) and its not doing me any good folded in my basket(s). I also bought some crushed velvet for our Christmas outfits. I am looking forward to taking a really nice Christmas picture as a family since it has been a long time since we have taken one. Hopefully, I can get the outfits sewn and the pictures taken and developed in time to put in our Christmas cards! In addition to tackling my sewing pile, I am working on a new two-week meal plan following this new diet I am trying based on the book Perfect Weight America by Jordan Rubin. His book is fantastic and I would recommend it to anyone. He uses many of Sally Fallon's recipes from her book Nourishing Traditions and I love his plan, but always find it hard to shift to that lifestyle, even though I know it is better for me. (Check out my other site, F.I.S.H, to watch my journey!)

I was hoping to do the dishes tonight, but I might just read my Bible and then head to bed!

School Woes

2008-10-17T21:27:00.000-06:00

I am so tired of school! When I started this school year, I thought I had more than enough free time to actually get everything done that I needed to get done. Sure, at the time, my kids were watching more TV than the average adult- it was literally on from wake-up to naps, after naps until forcibly playing outside, then dinner, and then after dinner required a movie before bed to "wind down" though I don't really know from what! As I started to realize that my schedule was pathetic and that DAYCARE (shudder) would provide a better education that what I was currently giving my children, I started to change. I know people (my husband) who is a rapid-changer, once he decides to change and logically maps out his brain, it is like instant change. Me, I have to work it over in my brain logically, emotionally, spiritually, and I NEVER stop talking about wanting to change. Gradually, I can take baby-steps and accomplish minimal change, but generally speaking, the biggest obstacle to all my change is in the "just do it" motto- I rarely just do it, I always think about it. Anyway, school started nice and slow, which was just plain misleading. I consider myself an intelligent woman and I typically excel in education situations with a minimum of effort. This was completely different. Because it is an online environment, "class attendance" requires you to do more than fill a chair and listen, something I could do very well in a traditional setting and still make a good grade. Now, I am forced to "read" a lecture and then respond to it. This was far more time consuming than any class I've had to sit in. On top of all this- I was required to do the regular weekly work, which generally amounted to somewhere from a hundred to several hundred pages and more responses. I still loved it, I love going to school and I love learning. I know that I can continue "learning" without some fancy degree but I have always been taught that women need a "back-up plan" and should therefore be prepared to have a full-time career at the drop of the hat. This means education. I was prepared to get my bachelor's degree in English or history with an intent to teach.

The hitch in this plan came when I started to realize that my place was in the home. Verses like Titus 2: 4-5, "That they may teach the young women to be sober, the love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed." I hadn't really dwelt long on these verses because they were uncomfortable, but also, despite the reference to blasphemy, I mistakenly thought that they were less than essential. When I think about this verse now, I feel ashamed. I was taking a history class and we were to write an original research paper on any topic we wanted. EVERYTHING that I wanted to write on was nothing to do with history! My topics were all about parenting and mothering, particularly as they pertained to the feminist movement. The problem that I was having is that I would have to convey my paper in a neutral, unbiased manner and on something so important as that, I didn't think that I could really maintain neutrality, especially since I wouldn't be able to use the Bible as a primary reference. This brought up an interesting problem for me: it is currently acceptable to say that you are gay in class, but it is unacceptable to say that you are a Christian. Therefore, I had to couch my REAL opinions in code and generalizations (otherwise I would be warned and then kicked out of class!) I think this is how blasphemy occurs.

I can keep my witness pure by doing what God designed women to do- be workers at home, being chaste and submissive. These are things that our current culture looks at as an anathema; it is so strange and foreign that it calls attention to it, and through our willing position as homemakers, to God. This should be my goal- to witness to people all around me by my position under authority. It is so different from society that it must be noticed! Going to school and "providing a backup plan" is to accept society's mold for me. It is giving in to trusting myself over God, thinking that just in case God's plan doesn't work out, I have something to fall back on???

I have been so torn over this issue and have cried several times to my husband about feeling like I can't do it all and my constant frustration that the house and the kids are ALWAYS the ones who are sacrificed to my lofty ambitions. Despite all of that, finishing my degree is something that I WANT! It is hard to give it up. Today, I asked my husband (again) for his opinion. In the past he has given me the standard, "Do whatever is right for you." which just kills me because it is the exact opposite of what I am truly looking for. I want his help making the decision. We are all selfish beings and would like our way, but I was beginning to see that "my way" wasn't working. I finally cried to my husband asking for a final decision- what did he think was best. I would listen and submit no matter what, but he did say that he would approve of me dropping out of school, immediately. This potentially has big financial repercussions for us financially, and we aren't really able to bear them, but I know that God is sovereign. I have always been told that when you are following God's will, you have peace. Well, tonight I have relief, and peace. There is that fear of the unknown, the longing for the dream, but also the knowledge that I am doing the right thing for my family, for myself, and for my testimony.

Check out my Other Site!

2008-10-16T17:59:00.000-06:00

I have been reading a lot about nutrition lately (again) and I have been needing to diet (again). It is one thing to dress like and act like a lady, but when you are 50+ pounds overweight, even a dress doesn't look very feminine. I know that I have to accept the body that God has given me, but I also know that I am responsible for taking care of it, something I have sadly neglected. My new site is called FISH: Finally, I'm Seeking Health and I will be posting ways that I am attempting to lose weight, my weight and measurements, pictures of progress, health-related articles, anything I can think of to inspire me on my journey. I am open to other contributors, so if you want to lose weight and are looking for a place to post your results, I'd welcome you!

Garbage Disposal

2008-10-15T21:48:00.000-06:00

When we bought our house a year ago this month, the first thing my husband bought to "fix-up" was a garbage disposal since this house didn't have one and I was pretty sure that I couldn't live without one. When he first examined the pipes, he realized that it was going to be harder to do than he had first thought, so he procrastinated. Then came the other things to fix and somehow the box hiding under the kitchen sink didn't bother him...that is until yesterday.

I came home from a quick run to the grocery store for a last minute dinner item (I forgot potatoes! How could I have forgotten the potatoes???) to find my husband sprawled under the kitchen sink. He had decided that now was the time to install the garbage disposal. After the we ate the chicken casserole that I made, Eric had to run to the store to get the specific pipe pieces. (Apparently, we had black pipes and that makes it more difficult). He ended up having to install a new outlet under the sink because the dishwasher was hard-wired, which he didn't expect. So, he ran the electrical wires and installed a new outlet so that our garbage disposal would have power. It was right about then, maybe 10:00pm when he realized he had forgotten a pipe. No more installation could be completed because Walmart doesn't carry the part and Home Depot closed at 8:00pm. He would have to finish after work the following day, today. He stopped at Home Depot on the way home from work and less than a hour after he began, we had a brand new garbage disposal in our kitchen sink!!! HOORAY!!!

Now, let me tell you, this thing will grind up a chicken bone, and you won't even hear it working! It can handle all sorts of things and aside from a slight vibration in the counter (like a cell phone in your pocket, not loud at all) you would never even hear it grinding!

This, of course, has sparked a new wave of "kitchen protection" where I redo the kitchen and somehow remember that it is the "heart" of our home and I should maintain it better than I have. Ahh, sigh. I love my husband!

What on Earth is Going On???

2008-10-15T10:49:00.000-06:00

So, I don't regularly search YouTube, but it appears I don't have to, because I found this on a blog that I read and I just think it is the scariest thing...watch and be amazed!

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2008-10-14T11:55:00.000-06:00

Yet again, I am not doing this on Monday, but it is really the beginning of the week for me because of my strange schedule. If you like this idea, you can get all the information here.

TODAY IS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2008.

Outside my window...a cold front has moved in to replace the wonderfully sunny weather we had over the weekend. The blustery day just makes me remember that it is Fall.

I am thinking...about the million things that I want to get done today and the slightly smaller list of things that MUST get done.

I am thankful for...my children. I have been feeling so inadequate lately which I am beginning to think is really just Satan trying to undermine my position as their mother. If I fail at my job, then what? I am thankful for a husband who tries so hard to understand when I have a bad day and who works with me to solve my problems. I am not the easiest person to live with and he supports me whenever I am down and encourages me to get back in the game when I want to quit. It doesn't always come in the way I want to hear it, but as I reflect on it- I see God's wisdom speaking through him. What a wonderful blessing!

From the kitchen...I will make that chicken casserole I was talking about on Friday. It isn’t Eric’s favorite dish, but we haven’t had it in a long time, so I don’t think he’ll mind.

I am wearing…my PJs…again, still. I never wore that outfit on Friday (I wore something else) so I will wear that: my long khaki skirt (that I made…poorly), a green t-shirt, brown tights and brown boots.

I am creating…my Fall and Winter wardrobe. I have enough material to make a complete wardrobe because my trip to Goodwill did not produce anything for a plus-sized woman. When I am done sewing, I will have 5 dresses, 3 skirts, and a brown corduroy jacket. I also bought material for matching outfits for our family for a nice Christmas picture.

I am going…. to Target to finally buy crayons for the kids, along with a special bag to put them in (cardboard boxes rip too easily). Then, to the grocery store to buy some veggies for a nice cleansing soup, since it is October and I am trying to do another Perfect Weight American cleanse.

I am reading…my King James Bible…. another finally.

I am praying…for Jordyn’s teeth to heal, for our family to come together as one unit, for my unsaved family members (and children) to come to know that salvation is through nothing but grace and faith in Jesus Christ

I am hearing…the sound of my children playing under the kitchen table, which has been transformed into a “fort” for the day. We have already done trains, “food” and are now moving on to Play-Doh when they clean up the remaining toys underneath. It is my goal to completely eliminate the TV from my children’s existence; we have worship music playing in the background.

Around the house…the clutter from several days has still not been picked up, but today is a domestically focused day for me. School comes second.

One of my favorite things…a nice hot cup of coffee while reading on the couch or surfing the Internet in the morning. I love lazy mornings!!!

A few plans for the week…I really want to get the house back in shape and I want to post pictures of it. I also want to get some serious sewing done through this week, but I am having a pretty demanding week of school ahead, so maybe I’ll just focus on one skirt and one dress

A picture I am sharing…pictures from the pumpkin patch we went to over the wonderful weekend.

The Picture that I just couldn't attach...

2008-10-14T11:28:00.000-06:00

The Simple Woman's Daybook

2008-10-10T13:42:00.000-06:00

I have been surfing "blogland" for a long time now, and while I have had blogs for several years, I had never completely realized the network they provide. One of the things that I have seen is this "simple woman's daybook" which I didn't really understand, but enjoyed reading. I like that it was just such a simple way to chronicle your moment. I know that I am not following the instructions exactly (it is supposed to be Monday!), but if you like this idea, you can get all the information here.

TODAY IS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2008.

Outside my window...wait while I open it, we have a cloudy windy day that is challenging my attempt to leave the heaters off in our house until November. The best part is that this drop in the temperature is causing the leaves to change color...and there are a lot of trees here. I really like seeing the mix of evergreen trees and fall colors.

I am thinking...that I have a lot to do and should probably NOT be writing about my life right now.

I am thankful for...Eric getting a day off today; he has worked incredibly long hours resulting in over 40 hours in the first four days and while Eric would love to work overtime, the company won't let him.

From the kitchen...I will probably surf around the web later today to find something new to do with frozen chicken breasts; maybe my mom's casserole: chicken in a 9 x 13 pan, frozen corn to cover and two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup- bake until chicken is done (30-45 min) at 350 degrees, serve over mashed potatoes. I wonder what would happen if I used fresh broccoli?

I am wearing…my pjs (sheepy face) but I will be wearing my long khaki skirt (that I made…poorly), a green t-shirt, brown tights and slippers.

I am creating…a twenty page research paper about motherhood.

I am going….to take a shower soon and hopefully to Goodwill to find some winter dresses/skirts.

I am reading…hundreds of pages on historical motherhood, feminism and how one affected the other, along with all my other school books.

I am hoping…to move to Colorado in the next few months, we need to sell our house first, so I suppose “sell house” would be my biggest prayer right now.

I am hearing…the sound of Backyardigans playing in my bedroom so I can shower (hopefully!)

Around the house…the clutter from several days of not picking up consistently.

One of my favorite things…staying in bed late, when the room is really cold and I am nice and snuggly warm underneath my covers.

A few plans for the week…mostly homework (I need to play catch-up) and a stabilization to our routine to help me find some time to “homeschool” or at least have a dedicated time for the kids.

A picture I am sharing…(TBD), hopefully I can take and post one later today.

Housing Market?

2008-10-10T11:29:00.000-06:00

This is a video that I found on another blog, Keeping the Home, and though I am not convinced with all her political ideas and end-of-the-world scenarios, this video is important. It is how my husband and I were able to purchase a home that we couldn't afford and it is the reason that we are unable to move now that we want to. The banks aren't wholly culpable, we are also to blame for not listening to good advice when it was given and for blindly trusting the people selling us the house, thinking that they were the "professionals" so we could trust them- for surely they were telling us the truth...

New Cleaning Routine

2008-10-03T10:07:00.000-06:00

It's been almost two years since I found the Fly Lady system. Her 15 minute baby-steps are crucial to my survival, however, I never managed to quite make the routines that are so essential to her system. So, while I was an advocate (and I'm still on her mailing list!) I am not a follower. Then, I read from Candy on www.keepingthehome.com and Candy doesn't use "zones" like Fly Lady, but instead has broken down the house by surface, so you would clean flat surfaces on Monday, and windows on another, appliances on another...so on. This system is more thorough than Fly Lady's but I have a problem with its specificity. In my case, I needed something extremely simple that I could use to help thwart my procrastination. Both of these programs has valuable aspects, so I want to pull from them, and I did, to create my own system.

First, I started with a goal: Biblically, we are called to hospitality and I (thankfully) have a natural inclination toward opening my home, which I have carefully suppressed because my home is filthy. When my family attended a new church last Sunday, two of the elders dropped by on Tuesday evening. How embarrassing!!! Thankfully, our house was not at it's worst, but it was not pretty either! So, my goal became the ability to show a presentable home at a moment's notice. The main living areas (and bathroom!) need to always be tidy or in use. We are a family with small children and children have toys, so I won't get rid of all the toys, but I will teach my children to put them away when they are done with them. The second aspect is that I would like my house to be ready to entertain guests within 30 minutes. Maybe this is less attainable than the first part, but I think it is a good goal for our family to keep in mind. Entertaining involves so many different things, but I would like for say, my mom, to call and say, "Hey, I'm on my way home from work, can I stop by for a visit?" and I will not be ashamed at whatever she sees. The other aspect is that I would like to keep the house clean and organized for the health and happiness of the family. It is amazing the difference between the kids just because their bedrooms and living room are cleaned! They actually want to play, instead of just staying in front of the TV all morning. I never realized how much mess affects you physically and though I keep saying that I just "don't see" it, my body knows the mess is there and it causes stress to build up. What a pleasure it is to come into a clean home.

So, how am I going to do it? First, I have a conversation with my husband about what tasks needed to be completed on a regular basis. Then, I broke the house into five sections: living room and hallway, kids' rooms, kitchen and dining rooms, bathroom and laundry area, and master bedroom. I took the list of things I wanted to accomplish on a weekly basis and put it all down by room. I want to clean 5 days a week and I have scheduled 2 hours, one in the morning and one in the afternoon to do that. So, I took my list of tasks to be done and my schedule and I plugged in one room per cleaning session. This means that I will "hit" every section of my house twice during the week, once in the AM, once in the PM. I did choose particular tasks to do on those days, so that if I needed to, I could go right to the directions to follow for that day, change the sheets and vacuum the master bedroom on Friday morning, for example. However, I think the key for me is that it gives me direction. Today is Friday, so I know that I will be spending time cleaning the master bedroom this morning (starting at 10:00am) and then I will go into the living room for this afternoon's cleaning. What I have yet to do is to establish "monthly and yearly" cleaning lists but when I do, I will divide them out through the month or year on the day that I would normally do my cleaning routine. The other thing is that my husband is going to be working a 6 day rotation, so I might end up with a Wednesday off, in which case, Saturday is my stand-in day. As is stands, I have planned for Saturday to be a "special projects" day which could include cleaning, but also includes sewing and crafting. Sunday's are my day to rest so I am not planning anything for that day (excepting of course, the standard dishes and tidy-after-you-finish-playing-with-that-toy variety).

The last aspect of this, is that I am taking pictures of each room when in a state of "tidy" and when completely clean and I am posting them in my Home Management Binder so that I have an easy reference of what it could look like. I like that I have freedom with this plan and I can still get my work done. It is my job to provide for my family's health and happiness and a clean house is a great beginning. I would encourage anyone who is trying to clean their house to do this as well, make a list of ALL the most necessary jobs, schedule the cleaning and divide the way you prefer. If you like to do all the floors one day, you can always arrange for Monday to be your floor day, Tuesday windows and dusting, Wednesday wash day...whatever works!!!

I'm off to get some cleaning done!!!

A Call for Information

2008-09-25T14:33:00.000-06:00

This semester at school, I am taking a history course where the entire class is set up on writing an ORIGINAL historical research paper. It is incredibly intense because it requires loads of reading and writing (somewhere between 15-20 hours a week, for a 3 credit class!) but it is the ORIGINAL part that is really throwing me off!

My topic, which is still being revised, is how feminism has affected motherhood between the 1800s and 1980s. If anyone has any books or articles that were written in the 1800s about motherhood or the effects of motherhood, I would really appreciate any information that you could give me. You can post a response or email me. If you don't know anything, could you ask the people around you? I am searching for this information but I fear that I am not going to have enough to write a good paper.

My goal is to present this information in a way that leaves no doubt that motherhood as it was in the 1800s, before feminism messed with it, was a much "better" way to raise children. I am not really writing a persuasive paper here, but I think I can still argue the point a little bit. :)

Thanks for the help!

Update on Katie

2008-09-22T13:51:00.000-06:00

My mom flew to New Mexico the other day and so now I have a consistent line of information. Katie is doing fine, she is at home now and the doctors think that the liver condition is a result of the mono. The major concern right now is to get the proper nutrients into her body. She is already extremely thin so she can't afford to lose any weight. Adding this to the other million things that are already wrong with her and my mom says that she is taking about 12 different medications, including pain-killers, everyday. Continued prayers are always appreciated.

Katie Elizabeth...

2008-09-19T19:15:00.001-06:00

In other news, my sister, Katie (age 25), is in the hospital with liver complications. She has had a series of medical problems and this is the latest. The doctors do not have a diagnosis though talks of hepatitis have surfaced, they are just waiting for the body to fix itself (apparently, there is nothing they can do for the liver) but after one night at home, she is back in the hospital and now diagnosed with mono. Please pray for her health and healing. She lives in New Mexico and I am not able to visit her. She is, thankfully, a born-again believer of Jesus Christ the King.

Katie and Kelly (and me in the background) playing with some phones.

Katie and Kelly, twins.

My most recent picture of Katie (that I know of), taken Christmas of 2006. Katie is on the left, Kelly on the right (and pregnant with Bethany).

Recently...

2008-09-19T18:13:00.000-06:00

My posting has thinned out and that is disappointing to me. There are so many topics and issues that I am learning about and that I want to discuss on this site, but I just don't have time. A monthly post is probably all I will be able to accomplish in the future, if that. My goal is (and always has been) a weekly post, but I have started school in earnest now and I think I can understand to a small degree what working mothers go through! My school schedule is simple, I am able to stay at home with my children because I am going to a 100% online school, otherwise I wouldn't have tried to go to school with my young children. When my husband and I were talking about finances, we decided that I needed to do a little extra work for us to make it every month. Since I get my Montgomery GI Bill, it pays for school as well as bringing in a little extra every month, so essentially, school is my job! Trying to get all my studying and class time done during naps and after the kids go to bed is not working and now I am trying to negotiate activities that will allow me extra time in the afternoon after the chores are done to study. After all that, I have very little time to read extra websites (and blogs) that I love, like Keeping the Home but when I do get a chance, there is invariably something that makes me think that I would like to make my own post about. Instead of going crazy about all these different topics, I am going to make a list of the issues I was to discuss and then whenever I do get a chance, I can just pull a good topic from my pre-made list. I will probably keep the list in my Home Management Binder (HMB). Once I figure out how to include pictures in a post, I will take pictures of my HMB and my house and my clothes for a week...at least that is what I am working on.

I did get a chance earlier today to read Candy's blog and post a response. I don't understand why people get so offended at someone else's opinion. I love Candy's blog and though I don't agree with everything she posts, I do agree with the majority of it and I appreciate all of it because she doesn't just wave about her opinion, she always supports it with Bible verses and good logic. She does feel like a mentor to me and her posts always make me think. Her recent post about being a sloth at home really hit dead-on. I am a lazy, procrastinating bum and with a good excuse, it is positively terminal for the happiness of our home. Her latest post about not "hanging out" with non-Christians is exactly what people need to read and I was really surprised that she got bombed for it! That ANY Christian not understand this fundamental truth surprised me and since I had lately "fallen for it" by allowing my conversation with a non-Christian to distract me and allow my behavior to not reflect Christ, I needed to hear it again and see the list of verses she used to support her position.

Day of Reflections

2008-09-11T18:01:00.000-06:00

September 11, 2008; what a good day for reflections. I started my reflections this morning around 9:00am when I realized that today was September 11th, and that 7 years ago, I was in the military and just getting dressed to go to "PT" (I was on a swings shift) and I heard in formation that the World Trade Center had been hit with an airplane. I had no idea of the scale, in fact, I had no idea what the World Trade Center was. When my normally stoic platoon sergeant was late to formation, we were a little confused, but like good soldiers, we stayed in a loose formation talking amongst ourselves. As the platoon sergeant walked across the field toward us, stopped halfway to answer his cell phone, talked for a few minutes and then hung up and ran toward our formation as fast as we've seen him run. He called us to attention and told us that a third plane had hit the Pentagon and we were all to go to our barracks room and stay there until further notice. We saluted as the flag at the front of post was lowered and the gates barred. He told the soldiers who lived off post to plan on it taking several hours to get back on and recommended going home and coming back with plans to stay. He was right, though I didn't live off post at the time. Armed guards were stationed behind a bunker at the front of the military base and every car was searched, proper identification was required. For the rest of us, we went back to the barracks and called our loved ones to let them know we were okay and that the Army was still protecting it's assets, us. Later that day, we were marched to class (we had been allowed to either walk or march ourselves before) by a platoon sergeant or drill sergeant and though we had class on that day, much of the time was taken with talking about what was happening and what it would mean for us. We watched the footage over and over again, willing it to sink into our brains that something of that magnitude happened during our lifetime and not on the pages of the history book we were forced to read in high school.

Today, I watched the original footage from Foxnews.com (but I couldn't find a link, sorry) and it completely brought me back to the moments I first saw the attacks and the days and months of ensuing chaos. I prayed for the families of the victims, that they continue in their healing process and for our country to not forget what it felt like that day, to remember that urge to fight, to defend our country. I was us to remember all the flags flying and how proud we all were to be Americans.

Knowledge is Power

2008-09-02T23:59:00.000-06:00

Knowledge

My Journey, So Far

2008-08-29T02:11:00.000-06:00

It has been almost two months since I have begun this journey into Biblical Womanhood. It is so amazing to me how many "accidents" and "coincidences" that have helped shape my journey. It all started with homeschooling. My daughter has only just turned four, but I knew when she was born that I wanted the best education for her. I thought that the best I could offer was to send her to private school and I even found the one that I would send her to. It wasn't until I moved to this area (Olympia, WA) that I found people that recommended homeschooling as a way of life. As soon as the thought popped into my head, I was hooked. My very first homeschooling book was So You're Thinking About Homeschooling, by Lisa Whelchel. I think she does a great job of explaining and showing the different ways to homeschool as well as link you to places that can give you better information. I think by far, it is the best book to give someone who is THINKING about homeschooling. I plan on purchasing it for each of my sisters. As I read it, I honed in on classical education. I bought The Well-Trained Mind and scoured it. I attacked it with a highlighter and made charts and graphs galore. By now, my daughter was a year old, but I was ready to start preschool. [Unfortunately, all my motivation came to naught when I found that the television caters to young children. We have been trying to break Mommy's addiction ASAP.] I started to spread my wings as I looked back through Whelchel's book and saw Trivium Pursuit listed. I didn't like the site and brushed it off as "antiquated" and ignored the idea for several years. It was always lingering in my mind so after rereading Whelchel's book again several months ago, I decided that I must homeschool and I approached Trivium Pursuit again. I bought their book, Teaching the Trivium, and began to read it. I was evaluating everything against my "homeschooling bible" which was WTM. However, as I committed to reading the book, even though it just didn't seem like it was written for this generation, an interesting thing happened.

The Bluedorns recommended a book called The Mother At Home which was written in the 1800s. I decided to purchase it, since I knew that I was struggling with my purpose at home. However, I ordered through amazon.com and they like to sell extra books and on the site for The Mother At Home was another book, Passionate Housewives, Desperate for God, by Jennie Chancey and Stacy McDonald. Since I wanted free shipping and liked the catching title, I bought it as well. It was my husband's last day home for a month because of time to be served with the National Guard when my books came, but I was ashamed about purchasing them (because I didn't ask first) and tried to hide them. I was about as effective as Adam and Eve in the garden, but to my surprise, my husband wasn't upset. When I looked at the back cover, I found that Jennie Chancy was the founder of Ladies Against Feminism, which I mocked and that Stacy McDonald was the author of a book called Maidens of Virtue, I mocked her even further. After all, I had always called myself an "anti-feminist" because after my college class in "Women's History" I became convinced that all feminism did was trap women further than they ever had been in the past. That was not the popular opinion even though I was attending a Catholic School, run by Benedictine monks! However, maidens...ladies...virtue...skirts??? I was both intrigued and offended by what I was reading, but the intrigue won out. During the month of my husband's absence, I realized that my position as the "head" of the house had to change, and fast since just months before, we were very seriously talking about divorce- we had started to divide furniture and debt. It was incredibly humbling to see that I was the cause of the friction in the marriage. His biggest complaint? I didn't clean the house even though I stayed at home all day with our children. Yes, I was ready to divorce my husband because I didn't want someone to tell me when to clean house and how well to do it!!! Praise the Lord, He knocked some sense into me!!!

The "start here" page on LAF is really where I began with my Biblical womanhood journey. I read about modesty standards, but wasn't really too convinced because I had always considered myself to be a modest dresser. The biggest push came from the word "feminine" because I wasn't really encouraged to go that direction. The day I saw a VERY modestly dressed woman at the coffee shop sticks out in my mind. The was dressed in a loose-fitting (but not baggy) t-shirt and just above the knee length shorts. She was wearing athletic shoes and her hair was cut extremely short. Truly, there was nothing immodest about her outfit, according to the way I was judging modesty. What she completely lacked was femininity. This resonated deeply with me because I did not dress like a woman either. I spent some time talking on the phone with my husband who surprised me by supporting the decision, though he specifically said that often times, women's skirts are LESS modest than the jeans, to which I agreed and reassured him that that would not be the case with my skirts. One of the best articles I read at that time was an article called Modesty: Is it all in our dress? which really got me because it is very easy to ADD things, but Biblical Womanhood calls for the losing of oneself, no that is incorrect, Christianity calls for the sacrificing of oneself, women are just privileged enough to get to practice this principle in their own home among those who love them!

Anyway, to stop this story from getting any longer- where am I today? I have just received three new dress patterns from Common Sense Patterns and I am eager to begin purchasing fabric and sewing my fall and winter wardrobe. I have quite a few projects that are already under way, two long skirts to make, four dresses for my daughter, and enough fabric for two dresses and two underskirts. I have fabric coming out of my ears and yet, I am still eager to buy more. Wearing skirts (for I don't have any dresses yet) has been really difficult, more so that I thought. I am not worried about the people I meet in Wal-Mart as they have very little pull on my life. However, the people I am influenced by, like my parents and sisters, and of course, husband, are more likely to respond to the way I am dressing verbally, but they are also some of the people who are having a hard time adjusting to my change. Praise the Lord because my husband supports my decision and though he doesn't find my clothing "sexy" he also admits that that is a very good thing for clothing to be. He is very honest and tells me when he doesn't particularly care for something. It seems like his opinions are gradually getting more "old-fashioned" as I begin to wear more modest, feminine clothes. There are people who don't agree with me and it does make life more difficult, however, I am enjoying even the difficult times because I am able to go back and remember why I am doing what I am doing and I can take comfort in the word of God.

Modesty and the Olympics

2008-08-20T01:15:00.000-06:00

Boy has this modesty subject really turned my life around!!! I was happy and content wearing snug-fitting blue jeans and t-shirts. My shirts aren't incredibly low-cut, but they are low enough to need caution when bending down. However, I have always taken pride in how modest I dress comparatively. Now my notions seem to be tumbling down around me! My mother and I (along with my two children) visited the zoo the other day and I was shocked at what I was seeing. Women with no bras, insane amounts of skin revealed, outfits that are specifically designed to show off the female figure. I am sure that my mom was tired of me commenting on the immodesty of the people at the zoo that day, but she wisely held her tongue until we were in the car later that day. My mom has been the most vocal about my changes but I expected that. Actually, I am very impressed with how well my mom is staying silent about my choices but I get the feeling that she is just waiting for it to all blow over, as many of my ideas and commitments have in the past. Lately, our conversation has centered around the Olympics, which brings a welcome "easy topic" to the subject list....or does it?

I am feeling a little bit like a hypocrite on this subject matter. I don't think that all swimsuits are immodest. I think that a well-cut Speedo type suit is perfectly modest, though many would say that it isn't modest at all and I would agree with them too. I love watching gymnastics; it is my favorite sport in the world. As I watched the events this year, I kept seeing these young women's rear ends hanging out of the side of the leotard. Not only was this unattractive but the camera had a way of focusing (probably because of the angles due to the elevated platforms) on all these spots! Then comes the question, okay, so it's immodest. Now what? Do you prevent any activity in that sport because the uniform is immodest? Gymnastics is one of the oldest sports around, though I suppose that it hasn't always been the women in the events.

After thinking it all through I am prepared to be on the conservative side of "mainstream" and just specify that the modesty within a particular sport but evaluated from within the sport. This makes sense to me because a bathing suit (even a modest Speedo) is not appropriate to go to Wal-Mart in. However, modest suit at the swimming pool does not attract attention and I think that is the key. I would say that it would be extremely appropriate to attempt to train with same-sex training partners and coaches and I would specify that an immediate cover-up is also appropriate when in mixed company. However, I wouldn't go so far as to completely avoid ALL sports that compromise our normal standards of feminine dress and modesty. There are plenty of subtle ways to be feminine and modest even when participating in sports that necessitate an immodest uniform.

There is another reason for all these thoughts, in addition to the Olympics....though it's a long one. I truly want to get pregnant again, but for my health and the baby's health, my husband and I have agreed to wait until I lose a significant amount of weight. Mostly we are waiting more on the establishment of a healthy lifestyle and habits rather than the arbitrary numbers on the scale but I have long been feeling like I needed to set a specific goal. That is wear triathlon comes in. While gymnastics is my favorite sport, I have absolutely no hopes of ever performing more than a cartwheel. I really enjoy tennis, but it is difficult to "work out" for tennis without a partner. I really do enjoy swimming however, and biking, and running (or at least I did when I could actually run). Combining those three seemed to be a good combination of everything that I needed: a physically active goal, an independent sport, and inherent variety. So, now I am going to be attempting to train for a triathlon on top of everything else. The GREAT news is that as I am just a beginner, I can wear my modest workout pants while running or biking, and a suit and shorts for swimming.

So, now I turn my thoughts to anyone else's. What do you consider to be appropriate exercise for a woman attempting to stay modest? Important to note is that I am not trying to lose 10 pounds, I am trying to lose 50+. So, am I being hypocritical by wearing dresses to Wal-Mart and a Speedo in the pool? (Luckily the head covering isn't as large as issue because it is essential to wear a swimming cap in the pool, a helmet on the bike, and okay to wear a hat during the run...however, those things might cover the head, but that doesn't make them headcovers, does it? Suggestions?

Chosen

2008-08-04T10:45:00.000-06:00

In exactly one week, I will have been a mother for 4 years (not including the original pregnancy) and as I look back one of the things that stand out is my nonstop feeling of being "just the babysitter." In my behavior, in all my actions, and especially my inaction when in the presence of anyone else, I have taught myself to be just that- temporary care for children who are more dear to me than anyone in the world. I haven't appropriately dealt with this because it seems like every time it comes up, I have been left alone for a period of time (right now, Eric has been away for a month with the National Guard and my mom was away in New Mexico visiting my sister and her newest baby.) The problem is that these people inevitably come back. Therefore, I am never really forced to accept that I have this problem.

I received an email the other day that reminded me that I was specially chosen for this job of motherhood and not just in general, I was chosen to be Jordyn and Noah's Mommy. That is my God-ordained role and I need to step into it and take "ownership" of it. I am not the babysitter, regardless of what I have been deceived into believing. It is up to me to train my children, not Dora, not Grandma, not the public school system...me, just me! Why is stepping into this role so difficult? What is it that makes me think that this is the job that God will not give me the strength to accomplish? What a fool I am.

"Slack"ing Off

2008-08-03T14:39:00.000-06:00

I thoroughly love the idea of wearing skirts and dresses all the time, but the last few days have been difficult. It started on Thursday, when I wore pants to Wal-Mart. The feeling wasn't pleasant, and I happily wore a skirt on Friday. I had planned to finish sewing a skirt on Friday and then wear it. I didn't sew on Friday, but since I was already wearing a skirt, I just pushed my plans to Saturday. My mom usually takes my kids for me on the first Saturday of every month because she loves the Home Depot Free Project as well as spending time with her grandkids. Well, although the day started off slower than normal, I did manage to spend plenty of time sewing my skirt...but I never finished it!!! I needed white thread for a particular seam and though I had a bobbin full, I couldn't find the spool anywhere!!! When it was time to pick up the kids, I was forced to pull on my jeans again to pick them up. I went "all out" in my old fashion- jeans, t-shirt, athletic shoes. I was surprised to remember how comfortable my running shoes are, maybe I will work out more. All in all, I was dressed extremely casually and though I had my moments where I wished I had been in a skirt, I still felt okay.

Today was different. Today is Sunday, the Lord's Day. I attend an extremely casual church and though I absolutely love their Bible teaching, I sometimes feel like I should be dressed up more for church. In the past, there has been nothing to distinguish my "Sunday" clothes from the rest- I just wear whatever is clean, also known as jeans and a t-shirt. Even though it is summer, my Pacific Northwest home is still undecided about its season. Today, we had gray skies and what looked like a chilly day. The past two days have been cold enough that I had to get sweatshirts for my kids to play outside. I didn't have any long skirts clean, the only two skirts I did have were knee-length. I didn't have any tights or hose that fit (it is extremely difficult to find good quality pantyhose when you are a plus-size!!!) and on top of that, I don't have any shoes that I can wear with hose! I was exasperated because I did want to wear a skirt to church. I suppose I should have gone in my skirt with my sandal-heels and just worn a sweater, but I asked my husband's opinion and he told me to wear jeans. I did.

The problem is that unlike yesterday, at the end of the day I wasn't displeased with my outfit. I am wearing my "dress" jeans, if in fact that is possible, and I tried to wear a nice shirt, I curled my hair and put on a little make-up. Then, I wore my sandal-heels to feel dressier. I felt good about myself. It makes me question if what I have been thinking about (wearing dresses exclusively) is actually a good thing. I don't want to stand out so far that people are repulsed by me and I always get the feeling when I am looking at a skirt or dress for someone my size that it resembles more of a tent than a garment. Am I alone in these thoughts? There are so many very pretty and feminine things out there, I just feel like, because I am overweight, that they don't look either pretty nor feminine on me. I think that they just look like I am trying to be Amish (or Mennonite or Hutterite) and though I am a Christian, I am not any of those and do not particularly desire to be identified as one. I sincerely wish that wearing dresses was more culturally acceptable because that would make wearing them infinitely easier.

Modest Comfort

2008-07-31T02:31:00.000-06:00

Today was the first day since beginning my "dresses/skirts" only philosophy that I have worn a pair of pants even when I had skirts clean. I was planning on wearing a skirt, in fact, I even ironed it. I was excited about it. But, I delayed getting ready (my biggest problem in the morning is just starting my morning) and so it was evening by the time I was getting dressed for the day. I was headed to Wal-Mart to buy a particular dress pattern and hopefully some cheap fabric to go with it. The dress pattern looks like it will make an easy day/work dress and if I use a light material, I can also wear it as a full-slip, which is something I have been looking at getting anyway. In fact, I will probably purchase some silky material soon to make a white version with lace across the top, which will show out of some of my shirts, keeping me modest and still pretty! Anyway, that's really the point. The point is, that I put on clothing that I would normally have thrown on and I felt so awful the whole time! I was self-conscious about my clothing, particularly how tight my jeans were. I always end up staring at [large] women who wear tight clothing and still seem somehow oblivious that every dip and pucker shows through the relatively thick denim material that is so popular.

Last night, we picked Mom up at the airport and I chose to wear my long brown skirt. At the airport bathroom, I was able to clearly see myself for the first time because they have a full-length mirror. I admit that my reflection didn't look as well as I have been picturing but nevertheless, I felt less self-conscious wearing a long-flowing skirt than I did wearing pants to Wal-Mart. I hope that this dress pattern is easy to sew and looks decent. I am really looking forward to getting some different dresses. The hardest part is picking a material that is going to look pleasant and still be sturdy or finding something that covers me well while still being pretty. Choosing fabric is difficult and I have a feeling that I am going to need a lot of yards for each dress, so I will need to be extra careful to pick only fabrics that are on sale...now that's a challenge!!! I should set a standard that I will never pay more than $5.00 a yard for any fabric. Denim and "bottom-weights" tend to be expensive, but they usually go on sale frequently. Finding the right mix should prove to be an exciting challenge for me. More than anything, I hope that Eric likes the new wardrobe and gets used to it easily. Dresses and skirts really are more comfortable than pants.

Testing

2008-07-27T09:22:00.000-06:00

I have been working hard these last two weeks, while Eric has been away, to change my thinking about my position as it relates to him and God. I am beginning to see what is expected of me a little more clearly. What seemed like Eric's demands now, I now can view from a different angle, which is that by submitting to Eric I have submitted to the Lord and this is the greatest honor. However, it is very easy to think about change, slightly difficult to change your mind or attitude, but it is much more difficult to change your actions. One of the easiest subjects in my current "wife curriculum" is Home Care 101-teaching a stubborn young woman how to care and clean her own house. This is such as easy subject to test because the results are apparent for all to see. I admit, I have been lax in this area. Cleaning has always been difficult for me and I have never really gained an appreciation of a clean house or a repulsion for a dirty house. These things are coming, but again, I don't have them yet.

My time of testing came, yesterday evening, when Eric said that he was part of a group that was required to come back "to the rear" which is in Centralia. I was happy that he had gotten out of his CQ duty and we hung up. Several minutes later Eric called back to tell me that they were not going to Centralia, but to the armory in Olympia! He wanted to know if I would pick him up and bring him home for the night. It's a no-brainer when your spouse call up and says that he will be 10 miles away for the night, you haven't seen him in two weeks and you are still going to be apart for another 2 weeks. Of course I would pick him up! Then came the problem- Eric wasn't due home for 2 weeks, and the house was appropriately dirty! I had two hours to make the house presentable. Not going to happen.

I spent the largest amount of time clearing a spot for him on the bed, moving all the laundry to the living room to fold and changing the sheets. I had also hoped to do the dishes because that always makes my tiny kitchen look clean. I had just finished folding the last shirt when Eric called to say that he was ready for me to pick him up. I sighed, berated myself and got my children together to drive into Olympia. We picked him up, he came home, said nothing about the house, slept and went back this morning. It was an enjoyable few hours though I am extremely grateful that most of the hours were spent asleep because he was given less time to evaluate the house. I think I learned a valuable lesson though: you never know when someone is going to come over and you might as well be prepared.

When I was using Flylady's system (www.flylady.com), one of the first acronyms I noticed (she uses almost as many as the Army) was CHAOS- Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. This "syndrome" was indeed what I was/am suffering from. The fact that I don't want to clean and don't get dressed first thing in the morning is what prevents me from NOT being trapped by my house. Learning to clean frequently as a part of my daily activities is essential. This is what I am learning; I have two more weeks to establish it.

I was tested last night and though I could have failed miserably, I did pass...with a C-/D+. I should be capable of getting an A on that particular test, everytime, so that is my goal for the next two weeks...

Head Covering?

2008-07-25T18:48:00.000-06:00

I have been researching the topic of Biblical modesty for quite some time now (as frequent readers well know) and now yet another topic concerning Biblical modest comes up; the topic of headcovering during prayer and prophesying. According to 1 Corinthians 11: 2-16, God (through Paul) discusses whether each sex should wear their head covered. He states the concept of the "head" of a person figuratively, then moves into the practical application, quite literally that it is a disgrace for men to have their head covered and yet it is a disgrace if women choose to leave their heads UNCOVERED. He finishes with an example from nature. I have gone through a variety of interpretations, my own personal thinking that Paul is being figurative throughout, since he starts with a figurative concept, but I am not sure that I believe that anymore. I have read a good article on the subject at this website: http://www.kingshouse.org/headcovering.htm. I would completely encourage anyone to go visit it (there should be a link) because it really made me think. I didn't go out and buy a bunch of headcoverings, though I hae looked for some that look a little more modern and not so "Islamic" in style. Interesting that we associate a Jewish and Christian practice now more with Islam than the original religion! Anyway, this topic is fascinating me right now, as is modest, feminine clothing. Tell me what you think!!! You can post right to this website, which would be great...even dissenting opinions are welcome.

College From Home

2008-07-22T22:30:00.000-06:00

I have always wanted to get my degree, though I think that without the persuasion of my mom, I would probably be a little more okay with NOT pursuing a degree and instead vesting my time at home with my family. As it is, I am doing neither. As I have posted in previous posts, I am in the process of changing all of that. I am confident that it won't be changing overnight, but am working on it. Whenever I ask Eric how to go about changing, he always says, "just do it," like the key is just in doing it. I always thought that was the least helpful advice in the world but now I am beginning to understand. Change is only so good as what you are doing. We always liked to say that it's "the thought that counts" but really, that is only okay for children buying a parent a gift. In reality, talking about change (what I am very good at!!!) is not enough. I have to actually change and not in thoughts, I have to change in actions. I think this is what Eric has been struggling to see in me lately- a change in action. Though I have had a change in heart, meaning that I regret my actions when I behave poorly and I recognize that the house is not cleaned up to standard, I haven't (yet) allowed my heart to influence my actions and get me off the couch (and internet) and on to cleaning and care-taking. I am learning to change my actions now and my biggest prayer i that I am able to make lasting changes. So often, I go overboard on my changes and then am unable to continue them. I even feel my appropriate rush of feeling on top of the world, but as soon as I miss a step, I'm back to square one (sounds like the Atkins diet!!!). So back to the degree...

I had originally planned to go to Saint Martin's this fall and was planning on putting the kids in full-time daycare (though the wouldn't have to be there full-time) since Jordyn would be going to school in a year, it seemed like a good time to start since I only have a little over a year left for my English degree. However, as the time has drawn close, I don't think I can manage the $12,000 per SEMESTER tuition costs, plus paying $1500 in daycare a month...that's pretty darn expensive for a degree that I don't plan on using!!! I satisfied myself with staying at home and learning with my children as I begin to teach them. However, I mentioned to a neighbor about wanting to get a degree but being able to afford Saint Martins and not willing to go to Evergreen. She said I should look in to an online degree. I blew it off, but the thought stuck in my head and now, I have applied and been accepted to University of Maryland University College (UMUC). Their English degree is 100% online and I will minor in History. I can't even say how excited I am about this school right now!!! I can start this fall and though it won't give me anything that I can really use for a career but most schools have a program where you can get your teaching credentials after you get your BA degree, so if I'm ever at the point where I NEED to teach, I can get my certificate within a year or so. It's not ideal, but by then my kids would both be school-age, and that makes child care easier. The funny part about me going to school is that we MAKE money in the process instead of spending money like at Saint Martins. Because UMUC is a public, non-profit school, they get extra grants and scholarships that other schools might not. Plus, since Eric is in the NG, we get "in-state" tuition costs. Plus, I get my GI Bill, which is supposed to be $1300 a month starting in October, I think. Basically, I will get paid to go to school. This alleviates the need for me to go out and get a job so now I can stay home with the kids. I am pretty excited about this because it just seems to be the best of all my worlds. The biggest problems are the flimsy nature of online schools and there relative disrespect in the education community and my ability to stay full-time in a completely online environment. I don't know the answers to those questions nor do I really know how to get the answers. Since I am not really pursuing this degree to provide a career, I am not as concerned with the first two and as for me completing full-time credits, I am not confident about that at all, but I hope that I will manage, I will just have to shift some priorities around.

Who knows what will come???

I Feel Pretty...and Other Notes on my Wardrobe

2008-07-21T22:31:00.000-06:00

Sometimes I wonder if the word "pretty" is slowly being removed from the English language in connection with humans. It seems to me like women have truly been forbidden to wear pretty things. Just watching people at the store has been an eye opener. What women feel comfortable shopping in is amazing. We have quite an "eclectic" group in Olympia and seeing the outfits that these young women put together makes me worry about woman-kind in general. At first I was skeptical when the authors of the Ladies Against Feminism were talking about women walking around being proud to look like sloppy men, but now I am seeing some of the truth behind their words. The other day, as I was battling the skirts/dresses=modesty concept, I saw a woman who was very modestly dressed; she was wearing near knee length shorts and a tucked in t-shirt with ankle socks and tennis shoes. While there was nothing sloppy in her appearance, nor anything unmodest, the thought I had while attempting to justify her dress (as modest) was "but it's NOT feminine." The more I look around the more I see that women today have traded "feminine" for "comfortable" and they are just as trapped by it as our ancestors were by long skirts.

I have been wearing primarily skirts for a week now and I am truly happy about it. I am enjoying the feminine feeling. I want to make some dresses now. Dresses are (probably) so much easier than skirts because you only need one thing to have a complete outfit. The only major problem I know of when it comes to dresses is that they have a tendency to look frumpy when worn casually. Since I am not dressing for the ball, I want a practical wardrobe and though there are many dresses that qualify, most of them look so unfashionable and frumpy that I wouldn't want to wear it! I suppose that, as with everything, the fabric makes a huge difference and the small floral prints that are on all these dresses is a little TOO feminine for me right now. I enjoy the dresses and skirts and I have even made a slightly "frumpy" skirt, which I intended to be an everyday style skirt that I could pull on when nothing else was clean. It will achieve that very well. Now I want to extend my wardrobe by including some dresses in the same manner...something I can wear when there is nothing else to wear. I still have three skirts to make from the material I already have, so i will just make those first. The other thing that I am lacking in my wardrobe are the shirt staples. I have a few shirts (enough for a summer wardrobe) but nothing that is "lasting" or quality work. I am hoping to buy a good quality pattern to use for my shirt. Two of the skirts that I want to make are going to need specific shirts to go with them because the color palette is unique. One thing is for certain, I need to find a budget for this new hobby. I couldn't possibly go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe, yet this is what I am trying to do now! I have to incorporate things slowly. Maybe I can buy enough fabric or a pattern once a month. Maybe I should just make do for a little while longer. It's not like we have extra money to spend, even on something I see to be good and worthy. I will probably buy some "summer" fabric in a month or two when it all goes on sale and make some dresses for Jordyn next year. By buying off season fabric, you can usually get a good deal. Plus, there is a fabric store in downtown Olympia and I wonder if the prices there might be better. I don't know what it is like and I'm NOT going to take the kids there for the first time!!! Figuring out how I am going to handle the cold winter months is still up in the air. Not really for me, but for Jordyn. She wore plenty of skirts with tights last winter, but exclusively might be a little much for both of us. Yet another decision to make...

Modest, Feminine Clothing

2008-07-13T22:32:00.000-06:00

It was only a few days ago that I received the book (that I ordered) called Passionate Housewives: Desperate for God. The title caught my attention while I was looking for a different book recommended by the book Teaching the Trivium: A Christian Guide to a Classical Education by the Bluedorns. Anyway, the Passionate Housewife book is written by two ladies and the back of the book has a picture of each of their families along with a very short blurb about each. I noticed that while looking somewhat modern, they were all wearing skirts (except the males, obviously) and I began to question that. Then, I looked into the website, www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com, which is edited and managed by one of the authors of the housewife book. It was there that I found for the first "official" time, sites and information dedicated to women who are choosing to wear skirts/dresses exclusively, especially long one (I haven't seen any that are at or above the knee). This idea intrigued me and as I began to consider it I found myself questioning EVERYTHING!!!

The first question was the obvious, why? They claimed verses that speak about women not wearing things of mens and of course, modest clothing. They (seem) to believe that the Bible speaks for women to wear dresses and skirts and a modest length is below the knees. At first I defended myself, saying that my typical wardrobe (jeans and a t-shirt) was rarely if ever, immodest. However, as I thought about it a little more I realized that my jeans are probably a little too tight (and I refuse to go a size up!!!) and my shirts are usually a little too low-cut for me to feel extremely comfortable, but since I have been judging myself against other people, they never seemed too bad. And really, they aren't too bad, but they aren't the best. However, I could still consider myself a modest dresser. One of the things that bothered me was the idea that pants were "mens clothing" because my clothing doesn't come from the men's department and who is to say that pants are exclusively men's domain? Of all the issues, this is the one that I haven't figured out yet.

Their next argument was for the visual separation of men and women, meaning women should embrace their feminine side, with dresses and skirts. This idea probably speaks more to the reasons for skirts than the idea of pants being "mens". I liked this idea very much. As I began to think about it more I realized that I have been suppressing my femininity for a long time because it just isn't acceptable. I feel like I have had people in my life who have shunned feminine things and expect the rest of us to do so also. This was a little bit freeing because as I started to consider my true feelings on the subject, I am not opposed at all to the wearing, primarily, of skirts. I think that pants are still appropriate at times, like heavy labor in the garden and planned physical activity (like going to the gym). However, even those times seems to be less that essential. I think I will always keep a pair of pants (or two) just because.

In my typical fashion, I went to the fabric store and spent a fortune on fabric to make a million different (okay, 5) floor length skirts. I want to make them and I am excited about wearing them, but then I started thinking (always a bad sign...). I have two primary fears: one, that I will look ridiculous in them and instead of looking pretty and feminine, I will look giant and lumpy. The other is that my decision will not be accepted by people close to me (like my mothers and sisters) who don't share the same beliefs. Both of these hinge on being accepted and since I don't feel like there is a strong logic behind this decision, other than the desire to appear more feminine, I feel the attacks would be coming strong and I would be unprepared to face them.

THEN, I did some more research this evening as I was cooking dinner for me and the kids about the idea of skirts and modesty and something struck me: the long skirts are an outward expression of our internal modesty. I liken it to baptism. You don't go get baptized and then hope to become a Christian since you have put on the outward signs; your heart has to change first and then you are willing to put on the outward show because it is a matter of showing your changed life. Dresses and skirts really do that for a woman; they show how her attitude has changed to reveal a humble spirit. I am, and always have been, an "anti-feminist" because I have believed, especially after my "women's history" class, that feminism has trapped women more than the traditional roles of making babies and homes ever did. Today, women are expected to excel at school, go to college, start a career, obtain large quantities of satisfaction from said career, maybe pick up a husband, pump out a few kids, but still keeping the "career-mentality" of sacrificing everything for job. Meanwhile, they are also expected to exploit their sexuality to the best of their ability when necessary and look like a Hollywood model the rest of the time!!! I think I prefer the idea of "just" staying home with my children and being a part of their lives. However, with all my "anti-feminist" thinking, I still got really caught up with the ideas and trends. Even now, there is a part of me that wants to walk away from everything and finish my degree and pursue some satisfying career. How foolish that part of me is!!!

Modesty of spirit is not something I have figured out yet. I hate to be judged a failure by my husband, even when I know full well that it is true. I pick fights constantly and have not yet figured out this "servant's heart" thing. My world revolves around me and I don't like it that way. The Bible says that serving others is a win-win situation. I agree, because the opposite is true: serving self is a lose-lose situation. Me doing whatever I want is not only not improving myself and cultivating plenty of sins, like laziness, selfishness and greed, but the other people that are forced to sacrifice are also hurt by my selfishness, mainly my children. Kids need the love and attention of their parents and being selfish deprives them of every benefit life has to offer.

So how do I change? This is my critical question. I recognize that women who are choosing to wear a long skirt even in the heat of the summer have a dedication to something larger than themselves. This is a good thing. I will make my skirts because NOT making them would be selfish at this point, since I have invested so much money. I won't be fashionable this winter, but maybe I need to take even that focus off myself and realize that looking a little frumpy or old-fashioned in an eternal light is nothing; bringing my children to know the Truth and the Way of the Lord is eternal. Long skirts might just be able to humble my spirit a little...at least I hope they will. I also hope that I enjoy wearing them!!!

Deciding to Homeschool

2008-06-19T22:33:00.000-06:00

I missed the financial aid deadline for school, so I won't be attending St. Martin's in the Fall. As much as I would really like to go back to school and study my way to a bachelor's degree- I feel like I am being led to stay home with my kids; to actually learn to love to be around them, instead of tolerate them until bedtime. We had been talking about putting Jordyn in a preschool while I was in school. She will be 4 in August and I thought that it was time to begin some formal schooling. My version of school so far has been plenty of Dora the Explorer! Hardly educational, though she can count to 10 in Spanish! I feel like I am failing them right now, because I know that they watch WAY TOO MUCH TV and have very little tolerance for reading stories, especially Noah. I suppose he is still a little to young and fidgety to read long stories because he still listens, but he has to be "doing" something. The only problem is that he gets distracted once he starts doing something else and therefore is no longer listening. Anyway, all of this, on top of talking about divorce (mostly because I can't manage to keep the dishes and laundry clean!!!) and talking of moving, I think I just want to do what's best for my kids. I refuse to give in to the lure of divorce because I know that working out a marriage is always better than divorce. Eric is not my soul mate and I never should have married. These are big statements and I mean them. What I feel isn't completely regret, like wishing that I could go back and change it, but realizing that I didn't make a good decision in the past and determination to not further the bad decisions even if the first decision (marrying) wasn't a good one, divorcing right now does not put me back where I was 7 years ago. So I have become somewhat kid-focused right now. I am exercising more now for the kids (so I will be around when they have kids), eating healthy and wanting to do whatever it takes for them to be happy healthy kids.

Homeschooling is part of that. Jordyn seems to be a sensitive kid. It's not that she doesn't get along with her peers, because she does, but I think that kids can be incredibly mean and I think that like most kids, she is vulnerable to that. I don't think that she is emotionally ready to handle bullies and I definitely don't want her to seek after the popular crowd like I did in junior high and high school. I want her to learn where her values are and who she is in Christ first and I want her to learn these values from someone who truly has her best interest at heart. As a young girl, there are so many lessons that peers are all too willing to teach you and I don't want Jordyn to learn them. I want her to evaluate her character, not her chest size. I want Noah to learn to achieve in a safe environment. Noah might well pick up speed educationally, but right now, he's behind. That is probably because all he wants in his day is movie after movie. Still he has plenty of things that he loves to do, but when he is at a loss for something interesting to occupy him with, he turns to the TV. Not a habit I want to encourage. I want Noah to grow up to be secure, to learn how to take care of his family. I don't want him teased for things he can't control (or even things he can, for that matter!!!). There are also expectations on the young men in our society and I don't want him to believe many of the things that society tells our boys that it is okay to do. I want both kids to have a substantial grounding in the Scripture and I want their values formed by that more than their peers or society.

All that said, HOW AM I EVER GOING TO HOMESCHOOL??? Not only am I unsure about what curriculum I want to use (more on that later), I am concerned about how on earth I will manage to not kill them during the course of the day!!! As much as I love my children, no one else is as capable as they are in the art of driving me crazy. How do I manage to keep control and how do I fill my days? I suppose a very good way is to figure out how and when I am going to get out of the house-both with kids and alone, what my schedule is going to be, and how I will be supported. The biggest thing that I am thinking about are the actual methods and curriculum to choose. Five years from now I will probably laugh at my current angst because I will have learned that curriculum and methodology can change from one year to the next and I am still in the mindset that this is a one-time decision. That once I choose a handwriting program, I have to stick with it forever. What on earth am I going to use for grammar? Is it more important to be fun or rigorous? Am I going to be a better teacher if I have someone else's lesson plan in front of me or one that I have created myself?

I am seriously considering three different styles of homeschooling right now: Sonlight's prepackaged complete curriculum which makes homeschooling incredibly simple for me, but doesn't necessarily give me complete control over what my children are using in each subject (they only have a choice of 3 handwriting curriculums and my favorite is not among them), but I know it works and even though it might not be my favorite method, I know that it's do-able, Christian based, and thorough. One of my other choices is Tapestry of Grace. TOG is a unit-study curriculum that takes most of it's methods from the classical and Charlotte Mason methods. The parent is required to do a significant amount of the choosing, but they point you in the right direction with your choices. It is set up to be repeatable, so that I will only have to buy the four different sets and then I will repeat it 3 different times as the kids age at more depth each time. Since it follows the classical approach, I know that it is going to be rigorous and that is really something I desire for my kids. However, since it is a unit-study approach, I can always add and subtract, plus I can teach multiple levels at one time. When Noah starts formal schooling, Jordyn will probably be about 2 years ahead of him and he will be able to just jump in with assignments that are tailored to him. Sonlight does this to a certain extent, but it seems like it might be a little more difficult. I have already ordered my Sonlight catalog even though I can read it online because I much prefer to do my reading in print and I wanted to look more into Tapestry of Grace. One other major concern is that TOG doesn't have a pre-school program and Sonlight does. However, the basis of Sonlight's curriculum is literature, so the preschool program is essentially a book list with some developmental books added for good measure. Where they excel is in the teacher's guide which helps clueless parents like me tie it all together. TOG also has good parent/teacher guides, but again, no preschool program-though they do allow for children to start their program at a Kindergarten level, though I assume that you would just extend the first unit for two years and start the second unit during what would be second grade.

The last thing that I am considering is to go it alone: that is to use a classical approach to homeschooling- specifically the book, The Well-Trained Mind, by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise. I will probably need a few other books if I decide to take this route; there are a few books on designing your own classical curriculum and one in particular about Christian Classical Homeschooling that I consider an essential. Combining all of those resources, I think that I could do a good job of creating a personal program- TWTM is probably sufficient with all their suggestions and resource selections. They are probably the number one source right now for parents attempting a classical homeschool. I would be surprised if a family were classically homeschooling without owning this book. However, I am a little intimidated by it. I have read it over and over again and I am a little concerned with just the amount of information presented. In many ways, it seems like the authors consider some of the information common sense and perhaps it is, but it isn't common practice and therefore, I am finding it a little difficult to attempt some things. The other thing is that my view of the way this style should be meted out is a little like a cold schoolhouse with the children chained to their chairs. Obviously, that is the LAST thing I want to accomplish with homeschooling- instead I want to create children who love to learn and know how to learn. The last bit there is extremely important to me! I love to learn new things and because I am a good reader can learn most things THAT INTEREST ME, but tell me to learn something from a book that doesn't interest me or is slightly above my natural level and I falter. I don't think that I learned well (enough) HOW to learn. These are skills, not desires or inclinations. Learning is part of life and often times you are required to learn something that you don't necessarily want to learn. I want my children to be able to successfully learn new things, but also be able to carefully interpret them according to their worldview. I don't want them to be swayed by whatever the newest research is, I want them to go searching for the rest of the story and figure out how what they have learned fits in with what they already know and believe. I honestly believe that classical education is the best way to go about doing that, but I think that classical education can be poorly suited to someone who is tactically minded, for example, and craves physical involvement to learn something new. I think that Jordyn might enjoy physical activity in her lessons, though I think that she is well suited to the classical approach. I can't see Noah sitting still long enough to write his name, let alone learn something. Time will tell with Noah though, and changing his habits from TV watching/wandering to books and playing will probably help.

TOG seems to be a pretty good compromise of all my goals, so I am pretty interested in finding out more. I might just order the Pre-K program through Sonlight just for the quality books and schedule for this year. This year is pre-school; next year I will want to develop a better program for Jordyn's kindergarten because that is the year that she needs to learn to read, and read well. So, we start this year. She is already interested in knowing her letters, but she seems to be a little spacey when asked to recall any of the information. I can't tell if she truly doesn't know or if she is just playing. How to include serious behavior as part of the school routine eludes me as of yet. I think that I will start with creating "school-time" for the first 30 minutes of Noah's nap and then require quiet time of her in her room. I will probably get some books on tape for her to listen to during this time instead of the typical movie. That should be a pretty good preschool start...no matter what program I choose in the end!

Bad Mommy!

2008-05-31T22:34:00.000-06:00

**This is a disturbing rant on my part about my mothering "skills." If you think that it is going to be too offensive for you or change your opinion of me, please don't read it. All of the things that I mention in here are being worked on and changed. Originally I published this only as "private" but I want other people to know that they are not the only ones who struggle with successful mothering. Above all, my children know that I love them and I always will.

Why are mothers constantly plagued with guilt? It seems like there is not a thing that I am going to do right in my kids' lives; no matter what choices I make, they are going to end up messed up and incomplete and they are going to have every right to blame me for it. Why? And why do I automatically accept this guilt, recognize it and allow it as though it were some prize?

I know I'm not going to win "mother of the year" and I know that I will probably never be as good a mother as my mother was to me, but why do I feel insecure all the time about the skills that I have as a mother? Is it just my insecurity in general or am I subconsciously admitting to a lack of parenting prowess? Is my guilt justified?

This isn't exactly a new thought and I am confident that I am not the only mother who feels the same way. In fact, several months back I bought a book called, Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps On Giving, by Julie Ann Barnhill. I never read it because at the same time I bought another parenting book from the same author that dealt with anger. Though I never finished the book (in fact I barely started it) it has stuck with me and I think I have made some changes, though I know I haven't made enough.

I want my kids to grow up happy and healthy with a sincere love of Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. I want them to be well adjusted and confident, intelligent and capable. So far, I feel like I have laid groundwork for lazy, unintelligent beings who only attempt at obedience yet are incapable of achieving the lofty goals that have been set by their authoritative parents. I don't think they feel safe or wanted at home, in fact most of the time they are sent away to their rooms to watch a movie on the small set they each have in their room. A TV, in a toddler's room??? I don't know how to teach them, at their level, even the most basic of things. I fight with their father in front of them until they are confused and upset and yet I don't know how to change. These kids are not going to grow up the way that I want them to and I'm the one who can change that, yet I don't know how.

The answer that came to me is this, "Lose yourself in them." A thought that I've had before, in reference to my mother. She lost herself raising us girls and now that we're gone she feels like she has nothing. We all see her enormous skills and talents, but she feels like she is worthless. I never wanted to lose myself like that. I somehow thought that I could be a stay-at-home mom and still keep my identity. I would be able to sleep in, read books, watch movies and "work" on the computer all day long. Sure, I get up to feed them when they mention that they are hungry or I am ready for a nap, since I know that feeding prior to a nap ensures a better nap for them. Am I even a parent? Maybe the reason I always feel like their babysitter is that I am their babysitter. I am not the one that is invested in their education or training. I am merely marking time until I can do something else. But how to change this? Everyone says that it is easy, that you just include them in what you are doing, but what I do is a solitary activity and doesn't want help, in fact their version of "helping" only frustrates me further and then I dispatch them to their rooms to watch a movie. Oh when they were babies and required so little! I was able to continue my activities because they would sleep most of the day. I would hold them and nurse them and pray over them. Sometime between 15 months and 24 months, that changed. Now they require constant stimulation and activity and unless I am prepared and am doing it with them, they are restless and the only thing that seems to entertain them is a movie. They ask, and I provide. But every time I turn on that TV in Jordyn or Noah's room, I feel like a piece of me is dying. They aren't happier because of it, I'm not happier because of it. The only thing is it is easier. It requires no thought, no planning, no skill and IT WORKS!!! If only it didn't work.

I have an idea: I can start the day with a movie. I usually have a hard time getting up and ready, so the movie is easy distraction while the family rises. We eat breakfast, they get dressed (since I showered right away), and we do some morning chores. The movie will still be on, probably, so they can either watch or join in my chores. I don't have too many chores to do when I do them on a daily basis, so this should be easy. After that, we can have "active time". They can choose an activity from a jar that usually requires activity. Examples are: play a game, play outside, sing songs, take a walk, ride bikes, go shopping or to the park...whatever. I really don't want to commit a lot of time to this activity, but some of them are long (like shopping or the park). When we get done with active time, we can have quite time, again they can choose from a jar things like, read a story, practice in a workbook, do a craft, bake something, play a quiet game. After that, it will probably be time for lunch and naps. In the afternoon we can follow the same pattern....

Hmm, wonder if that would work...I'll have to find out.

Why Kr.An.Ke?

2008-03-08T17:46:00.000-07:00

Nobody uses a real name these days and with all the cutsie, somehow symbolic names and titles out there I felt like I couldn't compete. So I just used my name, first, middle, last, two letters from each in order. The first two letters of my first name (Kr), the third and fourth letters of my middle name (An), the fifth and sixth letters of my last name (Ke). Happily, they created Kranke...or "cranky" an adjective meaning ill-tempered or irritable which is, not-so-happily, the way I feel most days. You probably already guessed that I'm a mother or else you would have assumed that I grew up with a cranky mother which I will assure you is not the case. Therefore, it is I, the ill-tempered mother of two who writes this blog. About what I do not yet know.

So there you have it.

*Updated 1/17/2009- I do know what I am writing about now. Everything! Becoming a Godly woman and what that means: headcovering? modest/feminine attire? reading an authorized King James Bible? Homeschooling? Separatism? Biblical Agrarianism? There is so much that it can easily overwhelm but I must press on.

Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls. - 1 Peter 1:6-9