Male Bonding

After dropping Jordyn off at school, I came home to find this cuteness in my bed.

So sweet.

My How Things Have Changed

Did you ever read through an old journal of yours only to realize that you don't recognize the person that you were then? That's how flipping through this blog has been for me this morning.

When I left this blog, I was dresses and skirts ONLY, considering wearing a headcovering full-time, and thought that the only place a woman belonged was in the house. So much has changed, and yet, I'm still the same.

One of my favorite things about God is how He works on us. As we read and study our Bible, new things are revealed to us; out of our obedience we follow them, sometimes blindly. There is always a balance to be had between unfettered growth and pausing to hear the Lord's voice, between growing stagnant and jumping into large changes with minimal amounts of information. So it was for me. I felt like my life had lost its purpose, or at least what purpose I saw, I didn't understand because it held little so little value to me. I dove deeper to find my purpose and along the way, came across some very strange notions- things I have never even considered before.

One of them was that women should only wear dresses or skirts. At first, I thought this was insane. Why on earth would you confine a person to wearing a particular outmoded garment just based on their gender? Then, I began to look around and more importantly, I began to read the opinions of other women who had dealt with this issue, almost all of them had turned to "dresses only." As I looked around me, I began to see that it did make sense, that women should be easily recognizable as feminine. I threw out the pants and made (poorly) some skirts to wear. The transition was difficult, but in time, I grew to love my skirts. I got better at sewing and I really did love the idea of looking pretty and feminine all the time. Now, three years later, my principle has stayed the same, but my application has changed. I do think that women should attempt to put an effort into evaluating both the modesty and femininity of their outfits. I think that dresses and skirts should play a much larger role in my wardrobe. Jeans make me lazy. It is too easy to pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and call myself dressed. Now, I own one pair of jeans and quite a few skirts. When I get my body back (since Andrew is holding it hostage for another couple of weeks), I intend to update my wardrobe with some nicer looking, feminine clothing. Pants still play a role, but I think that my focus needs to be on looking feminine. [For more information about why I actually made the transition, including the verses I used to back up my decision, feel free to browse my archives.]

One of the other things I found were whole communities of conservative Christian believers who wore headcoverings or pursued a simple lifestyle. My battle with headcovering still goes on in my head every once in a while. The thing is, I have never heard an argument that convinced me that headcovering was unnecessary, but I have heard several that have convinced me to cover. That being said, I don't cover my hair- why? Because, I am honoring my husband and respecting his headship in this matter. That is what covering your head is all about- to show proper order. God to Jesus to man to woman- see 1 Corinthians 11. Eric does not want me to wear a headcovering right now, but should his opinion on the subject change one day, I will gladly submit to his authority.

The simple life is even easier. As I searched for "like-minded people" that both desired their women to wear skirt and headcovers, I found these staunchly religious people who believed that God wanted them to deny many of the current conventions of our society and live an agrarian lifestyle, as close to the land as possible. I admit, that this too, held some allure for me. I felt like my life was going nowhere and thought that this big change was going to be the ticket. I was ready to pack up and move to Texas to camp out while Eric built our house from scratch and raise chickens and farm and use an outhouse. Thankfully, Eric refused. I still have some lingering ideas from this study. I believe that, as Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the earth, which means not wasting our natural resources and not harming the planet when there are better ways. I will eat organic food as my budget allows and I am planning on using cloth diapers (and transition to other cloth products instead of typical paper disposables like tissues, paper towels, and napkins). I would LOVE to have chickens in my backyard and grow some of my own produce. I think this is fun and is mainly a way to help my family live like good stewards while actually saving some money for the family.

As for women staying in the home...well that has changed too, but it is the hardest battle I have fought. I do think that women should be the "keepers at home" that we read about in Titus. However, I am also beginning to think that staying at home and keeping the home are different. Despite the fact that I will have a young baby this fall, I am still planning on going back to school to finish my degree. For our family, this is a financial decision. The VA is paying for me to go back to school so for our family, this is the best choice. I won't have this ability for long. I would love to go back to homeschooling my kids and staying at home, but for now, I am learning how to be the most efficient homemaker possible so that when I am forced to leave the house, I am ready for it.

So much change, so much study, only to change again. I think that God puts me into different positions to consider them carefully and to learn to rely on Him and His word above the conventions of society or whatever feels good or right to me. Sometimes, that has taken me down a crazy rabbit trail, but at the beginning and end, I see God. Lately, I've been seeing how I've become judgmental of people who have not made some of these choices. God has been revealing to me how "un-Godlike" that is in me- that it is, plain and simple, sin. I have a feeling that God is not done with me yet. That's good. My purpose in life is clearer, to be the best wife and mother as I possibly can, to serve God and my family with my whole heart, no matter where I may be, and to glorify God in my actions and point people toward Him.

I am still blogging (infrequently) at my other blog: http://krankemommy.wordpress.com, so check me out there if you want.

I'm Here!!!

To all you millions who wait with bated breath for my next blog post...you'll be waiting a long time...

We have finally moved to Colorado, but the house is is worse shape than I expected and right now moving is about as chaotic as it could get. There are many days hours minutes that I feel like running away...far away. As I expected, it has been very difficult to merge the households. I am, and always be, my mother's daughter and I fear that I will never be a responsible young woman in her eyes. I think we all have these "mommy issues", mine are just magnified by living in the same 300 square feet (the rest of the house is under construction, so we are all living in the same room, plus the living room...it's a wreck.) Hopefully, we can take pictures and I will show you what's been going on. The good news is that the house is going to be very cute when its all done...and I won't have to live here for that long...it's just a year...

For now, I've got to run...

And the Race is On

What we have been waiting for has finally happened! Almost.

We are moving! Almost.

We have been delaying our move, which should have already happened by now because our moving plan is somewhat wacky. The plan is that my sister, Kelly and her husband Jared, will be purchasing a house in Pueblo, Colorado. This house will need some work, but they are getting a great deal on it because of that. Jared is a high-school teacher in New Mexico right now, where they live. The promotion ladder requires them to stay in NM for another year, at least, but Kelly is planning on attending the Botany program in Pueblo soon. So, the house will be vacant, but they will "technically" be CO residents, therefore giving Kelly a less expensive tuition rate. Now the question became, "what to do with a vacant house?" That's where we come in.

My family is flat broke and would very likely be unable to qualify for an apartment that meets our needs. My mom is extremely frugal and not exactly rolling in the dough, if you know what I mean. However, she manages her money properly and is not exactly under the same duress that my family is in. One of my other sisters, Karee, currently lives with my mom and will continue to do so. She is also looking forward to going to college in Colorado. Put three frugal (whether by choice or circumstances) together add a vacant house and you might infer what the plan is: we will all combine and share Kelly's house (that she's not living in) for as long as it takes. The plan is weak at best, since we are all of different minds and habits, but it is the best choice for now...you can't beat a $500 mortgage split three ways!

So what has happened to warrant this post? Kelly has heard from the realtor and she should be closing within two or three weeks. Then there is some plumbing and a furnace that needs replacing and we will be moving in! My house hasn't sold yet, but my husband was already going to stay behind temporarily because he is in a deployed National Guard unit and won't be able to move until this summer. He will stay behind and finish up the sale of our house. The debate going on is what will happen once he moves to Colorado. Will we get our own apartment or rough it with my mother? What we will have to do, is play it based on the job availability. Kelly's house is in Pueblo, CO and we want to live in Colorado Springs, which is 45 minutes north. If Eric gets a job in Colorado Springs, we will most likely be moving there. If he is unable to find a job there, he will extend his search to the Pueblo area, but Springs is our first choice. Our tentative move date is the tail end of February to the beginning of March, with dental appointments and moving costs complicating things.

Now the objective is to get packed ASAP and to sell (or give away) whatever we won't need. This has become slightly harry because we will be combining two households and there is no need for two living room furniture sets. Our furniture is definitely in BAD shape, so we will be getting rid of most of it (all of it). This leaves a whole in our living room if we do end up getting an apartment of our own, but we will just carefully add to our house what we need slowly. It should be fun!

Over the next three weeks, I need to:

*organize the entire house, decluttering and collecting "like objects" together.

*sell (or list for sale) most of the furniture. We were thinking that we would try to sell things like our children's bedroom sets for very close to what we paid for them and if we don't get what we were asking for, then we will keep them. We would like to be able to purchase bunk beds for them because we will need to rent only a two-bedroom apartment and both bed sets make for a room that is far too crowded.

*pack everything...carefully! Space is at a premium, so I need to be extremely careful about what I choose to pack and how I choose to pack it. I am pretty handicapped when it comes to organizing things spatially, so this is going to take some serious planning on my part. I am employing the use of those vacuum bags for larger items like blankets and whatnot and will probably use them to pack boxes with clothes in them. I am putting away a lot of toys, since I can't give them away anymore.

*cook from my pantry! I have a large store of things in my pantry and I am going to need to organize and declutter that as well.

Blogging will have to move to a back burner, but hopefully I will be able to post pictures and stuff every week or so. I am looking forward to having this move over with!

Lantern Light and Laptops

I found a cheap oil lantern and oil at Wal-Mart the other day and my husband filled it up for me this morning. Upon realizing this evening that he had done so, I decided to light it.

I have had a very bad day. Not only was I feeling under the weather (I had a migraine and resulting severe nausea) but, despite the fact that it is Sunday, my husband has returned to his "Friday's off" position and was not at home. To top it all off, I woke up in the middle of the night with a screaming tooth ache. I really need to see a dentist, immediately. [Ironically, it didn't bother me much during the day...] Because I was feeling ill, we stayed home from church and I spend some time reclining in my bedroom while my children "watched TV" in the other room. I put that in quotes because that is what they were supposed to be doing. What they were really doing was playing with my flour. I have a gigantic container of whole wheat flour (probably about 10-15 lbs worth), a 5 lb container of unbleached bread flour, and a smaller container of corn muffin mix (from bulk, maybe about 4 cups worth) stacked right in front of the pantry. They were not inside the pantry because there isn't much room, but if I reorganize it there probably  will be, but I hadn't done it yet. First mistake. Anyway, the kids had dumped in some of the bread flour into the large container of WW flour and then poured a bottle of red juice into it and then added a bag of 6-7 apples and covered it with the rest of the bread flour. Of course, their aim was off and several cups of flour hit my carpeted floor. The entire container of corn bread mix also hit the floor, though a small amount made it to the bucket. My daughter had flour in her hair, that's how I knew that they were up to something. Of course, wonder child that she is, she blamed the whole thing on her brother. I was too upset to deal with them, so I sent them to play in their room while I figured out how I was going to go about salvaging what I could from their cooking disaster.

While they were in their room, they took about half the clothes off the hangers and their bedspreads off the bed. What little toys they have in their room were also in the middle of their room. They helped me straighten that (minimally...remember, my head was throbbing and I had the awful feeling of morning sickness, without the pleasant reminder that I was pregnant...) and I put the TV on again only this time, I was watching with them. They wandered around and started playing again, so I flipped it to something a little more stimulating for my adult brain. One can only take so much Dora. It was around this time that they dumped a cup of water onto my bedroom floor (also carpet) but I didn't realize it until several hours later when I stepped on the soggy animal cracker that was also dropped. They also stole and ate an entire can (small) of almonds. I was ready for naptime by now. I got out those Uncrustable sandwiches (you know the frozen PBJ sandwiches...how much more convenient can you get than frozen PBJ...you don't even have to slather on the PB, just open a plastic wrapper...all for the low low price of...nevermind, they are ridiculously expensive and only about half a sandwich, plus they are on white glue, errr bread, but the kids like them and they are a special treat). Then it was naptime.

After naptime, I was feeling slightly less nauseous but my head was killing me worse than ever. I rested in my room again. I don't know why because it didn't work the first time, but the kids are usually more interesting in the afternoon TV programming, so I thought it would just work until the medicine I had finally resorted to taking kicked in. (Mind you, I'm still in my PJs). That is about when I realized that my son had my bottle of Febreeze and had succeeded in spraying it all over the place, the hall carpet was literally soaked, there was a pool on one of the chairs (thankfully, wood chair), he "washed" one of the apples in it and then headed to his room. After covering that room in lavender fragrance, he headed into my room which is where I intercepted him. There were a million different times where I stopped a child from doing something they shouldn't have, so I suppose I should rejoice  that it could have been worse.

So, to get to the actual point of why I am writing this...in the evening, I realized that my husband had filled up the oil lantern and the kids were curious what it was all about, so I read the instructions and lit the wick. After enjoying the warm light for about 20 minutes, I told them that we had to turn it off because the living room was too dirty. So, I flipped on the lights, blew out the flame and began to clean the living room. For the first time all day, the kids and I actually worked together. Jordyn and I had done some laundry, she was very excited to get to be the one that actually switched on the machine and put the soap in it. (Hmm...I think I see a daily chore here...). While that was running, we picked up the million different random things that were laying around and the kids did fairly well as "go-fers" and we had it all picked up and vacuumed before they tired of the game. I didn't pick on them when Jordyn decided that she was some sort of animal so every time I told her to put something somewhere, she carried it with her teeth (ouch!) while crawling on hands and knees. I just allowed them to help out whenever they came back into the room and I had a steady supply of things for them to run and do.

Finally, we gathered the candles out of Mommy's room (I love candles) and we put the lantern on the coffee table in the living room and we went around the house turning off the lights. It was late, so the kids didn't get to enjoy the candle light too much, but they still had fun. Now, here I am, sitting on my couch with my coffee table full of candles and one oil lantern, while I type away on my laptop. What a juxtaposition. I remember seeing that exact same thing on one of my favorite blogs, Lentils and Rice. She is taking a blogging break right now otherwise I would link to the post I am talking about. I think I could really get used to this type of lighting. It probably isn't as cheap as a battery-powered flashlight and it definitely isn't as poweful or bright, but I am thinking that in the evenings, when I want to wind down and when I want the kids to wind down, a little lantern glow and the wonderful flickering flames of candles might just be the ticket. I love it.

The lantern and oil combined cost less than $10.00 and the amount of oil I got will last for a long time. I will be doing this again, definitely. Totally worth it!!! Now, I may look into some nice beeswax candles. What a relaxing tone to set for the evenings and a wonderfully peaceful way to end this crazy day.

Am I the only one who cares about communication?

Not having seen a healthy Christian relationship work...ever...I am a bit at a loss to know exactly how husbands and wives are supposed to relate to one another. I LOVE talking. It is how I process my thoughts and feelings and how I get close to another person. It is my "sex" if that is okay to say. The thing is, the person I want to talk to more than anyone else (my spouse) is not a talker.

How to I negotiate this? How do I "get all my words out" and still submit to his authority? Is my desire to discuss all my future hopes and dreams really my own assertions that he can't do the job properly, my way of taking back some control? Or is this just a need that should be met by my husband? Am I being selfish? I definitely can't trust the world's view on this and even in some Christian circles the male/female relationships have gotten convoluted. 

I have been reading some good blogs lately and like I posted in the previous post, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the Christian Agrarian lifestyle and the community that can follow (or does follow if you live in Santa Anna, TX). [See Biblical Agrarianism and Lazarus Unbound and my personal favorite Country Mom, whose blog I follow on my sidebar] These issues that I keep mulling over are the ones that I so desperately want to discuss with the one person that can truly impact these decisions, my husband. He does allow me to talk about them, but the discussion is usually one-sided because he doesn't have any new information to add. It is always a sermon; me giving away information and not knowing how to ask for any reciprocation. I can't jump into this lifestyle on my own besides being completely impractical, it feels out of the bounds of womanly submission. I know that once Eric gets into this stuff, I think he will really like it (which scares me a little bit too!) because he has never been a "city boy."

Argghhh!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Do I just stay silent, on my knees waiting for the Lord to move in my husband? How much do I say, when do I say it? Ladies, please just pray for discernment on my part. I tend to focus on other people so much (and their flaws...if only he would change...) that I miss what the Lord is trying to show me. Perhaps He is showing me that I should run to Him for discussion on these topics and trust that Eric will be moved in the direction the Lord wants us to go.

Another Update on Katie

My sister Katie has been dealing with a variety of health problems, all seemingly circular, one causing the other and no real original cause until a month ago when she had an exam and the doctor (finally!) noticed a tumor or fibroid growing in my sister's uterus. She scheduled Katie for surgery and that took place yesterday.

They were able to do a laparoscopic surgery to remove this tumor/fibroid/bloody mass. It was about 3 inches long, which is about the size of a 3 month old "pre-born" baby, without the cute fingerprints and essential heartbeat, of course. No wonder Katie's body has been acting crazy!!!

We are hoping that this will cure Katie's constant anemia and "endometriosis" and create a new, healthy sister once again. Hooray! Sing praises to the Lord!!!

Cute Movies...

Despite what I should be doing, I still spend a lot of time on the computer. I am trying to get my kids more involved, when they are misbehaving and need to come sit next to me or just want to cuddle, this movie is a cute one to pop on to YouTube. Its just the alphabet song, with simple magnets, but my kids loved it! They also loved the "monkeys on the bed" which was linked to after the ABC song. Try 'em out!

ABC Song
Monkeys on the Bed

Labor Pains

Labor hurts. I think most (if not all) women approach labor and the impending delivery with mixed feelings; joy for the new life and fear of the unknown (and sometimes known) pain. At some point you feel like it just can’t be done, you can’t stand the pain any longer, can’t push anymore…and then they tell you the baby is crowning, you’re almost there, just a little more….with a little more effort, your hard work, blood, sweat and tears have resulted in a beautiful baby. The sound of that piercing cry announcing their presence makes it worth it, and you forget that you ever thought you couldn’t do it. I’m in labor right now, albeit a different variety. I won’t produce a crying baby from this labor, but I might just push through to find a happier, more content family.

We had a busy day today, all in different places, but we ended our days at Wal-Mart doing some grocery and random things shopping. By the time we brought in all the stuff, we were ready for a quick dinner and a nice relaxing evening. Noah, on the other hand, had other plans. He wanted to watch TV. My little 2 year old plopped himself on the couch and repeatedly said, “T-view” which is his version of “TV”. This isn’t abnormal and most of the time, he gets his way. Tonight, I told him no, but he kept repeating himself (he does that often). Then Eric stepped in and told Noah no. Eric has a louder voice than I do. Noah bust into tears. The tears didn’t dry up so Eric sent him to his bed (where are children are told to go if they feel the need to cry). Eric was so upset at Noah’s need to have the TV on that he removed the whole thing several minutes ago. Not only that, but he took out the DVD player (which wasn’t a whole lot of good without the TV, I must admit). I feel like Noah, ready to bust into tears.

The kids might enjoy watching TV and Noah really does seem to have a “need” to watch TV, at least it is the first thing he turns to for comfort and in boredom, but it’s really me that has the need. I love being able to “sleep in” on the couch when I have a bad morning. I love being able to shower during the day. I love being able to direct my children somewhere and have them go willingly and stay there so that I can get something done. I love sitting in front of it myself, watching brainless shows. I love being able to put it on even if it serves as only background noise. What don’t I like? I don’t like that I like those things! I want my children to grow up watching me doing the cooking and cleaning and be working right along side me. I want my kids to break out a game to play when they are bored. I want to have time to read to my children. I want my kids to learn at home, and actually learn! But it still hurts.

This is the labor pain; where I must endure something painful in order to give life to something completely new and wonderful. A woman rarely labors alone, she always has a support system in place, people to comfort and to encourage. She sometimes has a knowledgeable person present who can tell her how much further she has to go and to remind her about what she will gain from persevering through this trial. I find that comfort system in the blogs I read, my family, my husband, and mostly in my Lord. He is my Comforter, the one shouting at me in a mixture of excitement and angst, “you’re almost there, don’t stop yet!”

In many ways, labor is just like anything else in life. We go through the fire in our spiritual lives and come out sanctified and closer to God. We struggle to build up a marriage and end knowing each other better than we know ourselves. As a family, our goal is to be beacons to the world, to support and edify each other, to learn to serve and to unconditionally love each other. A family is a safe place to try new ideas, develop lasting friendships, to learn values and beliefs and bring glory to God. The television doesn’t help any of those things. It is a time waster. There is very little material benefit, and though there are good shows to watch (I personally like watching The Duggar’s show, 17 Kids and Counting), not watching them is just fine as well.

I was at my strongest over four years ago when, after having pushed for three and a half hours, my daughter was still unwilling to come out. They told me that I would need a C-Section and the doctor left to go prep the room. The last thing that I wanted was a C-Section. The nurse in front of me knew that and she told me that I didn’t need one, that I could do it. During the next 30 minutes I was pushing well and my daughter was crying on my stomach. Without that nurse, I might have given up. I knew better, I knew what I wanted but I didn’t think I could do it. I DID IT!!! I pray that I can go back to that moment when my will overcame my want.

Don't Worry, It's only a Tumor!!!

My sister, Katie, has been in and out of doctor's offices and hospitals for about two years now because of frequent anemia, heavy periods, endometriosis and the fact that they were completely unable to find a reason for all the problems going on. Katie finally changed doctors to one that would be a little more proactive about finding the actual problem while still treating the symptoms. (Her previous doctor told her that (at age 25) she was a lost cause and needed a hysterectomy.) During an exam where the doctor was actually able to insert a camera she exclaimed, "Katie, I know what your problem is! You have a tumor!" Usually there would be some sorrow or upset, but there was joy in the room because this three inch long fibrous tumor that had taken up residence in Katie's uterus was operable! Not only that, but it is fibrous, and benign...no cancer.

Now, Katie is scheduled for an MRI that will determine the exact parameters and how to best remove it. Apparently there are three different ways to remove the tumor, depending on size and placement. It is extremely likely that this tumor is what has been causing the painful cycles, anemia, and is likely what doctors confused for endometriosis! Praise the Lord!!! I'll post more when I know what else is going on, but for now, I give thanks and praise to my glorious Lord!!!

***I stand corrected, my sister, Kelly (Katie's twin) informs me that it is technically NOT a tumor but a fibroid...I don't really know what the difference is, perhaps composition, but either way, I can rejoice that the doctors have a last FOUND SOMETHING!!!

Update on Katie

My mom flew to New Mexico the other day and so now I have a consistent line of information. Katie is doing fine, she is at home now and the doctors think that the liver condition is a result of the mono. The major concern right now is to get the proper nutrients into her body. She is already extremely thin so she can't afford to lose any weight. Adding this to the other million things that are already wrong with her and my mom says that she is taking about 12 different medications, including pain-killers, everyday. Continued prayers are always appreciated.

Katie Elizabeth...

In other news, my sister, Katie (age 25), is in the hospital with liver complications. She has had a series of medical problems and this is the latest. The doctors do not have a diagnosis though talks of hepatitis have surfaced, they are just waiting for the body to fix itself (apparently, there is nothing they can do for the liver) but after one night at home, she is back in the hospital and now diagnosed with mono. Please pray for her health and healing. She lives in New Mexico and I am not able to visit her. She is, thankfully, a born-again believer of Jesus Christ the King.

Katie and Kelly (and me in the background) playing with some phones.


Katie and Kelly, twins.


My most recent picture of Katie (that I know of), taken Christmas of 2006. Katie is on the left, Kelly on the right (and pregnant with Bethany).