Check out my Reactions!

I read a little blurb on blogger about these "reactions" that you can add to your posts, and I love the idea, so I set them up. You will find them at the bottom of each post (below my signature line) and you can check the box that is the most appropriate. Just to be sure we are on the same page, some definitions for you...

Inspiring: to fill (someone) with the urge or ability to do or feel something.

Interesting: the quality of exciting curiosity or holding the attention.

Insipid: lacking flavor, vigor, or interest; boring.

*If for some reason, you find my posts offensive, please comment to me privately.

Changing Me

Yeah!!! I'm posting again...or at least I'm posting today. Yes, life has been incredibly busy, but that really isn't the entire reason that I haven't been blogging. The bottom line really is habit and sinful ones at that. While living in Washington, I was able to do whatever I pleased and I chose to spend my time online. I could, quite literally, spend the entire day reading blogs and waiting for new posts from my favorites. I had unlimited hours to devote to my first love (the computer) and I thought that by spending time online reading about other Godly women and Godly concepts that I was somehow becoming more Godly, perhaps through osmosis, so I thought that my hours spent wasted on the computer were actually justified away. The obvious problem is that when the rubber met the road, I was the same person.

It has taken two months of staring at myself in the ever-reflecting eyes of my family to realize that I am not a changed person. I do still believe that I am a born-again believer of Christ the King, but...

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. ... Therefore, whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock ... And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house: and it fell: and great was the fall of it. -Matthew 7: 18-21, 24, 26-27

I once heard an analogy about accepting Christ. Revelation 3:20- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." The idea is that by accepting Christ, we invite Him into to the foyer of our house. Often times, when I have a guest come over, there are "forbidden rooms" that are just not presentable for strangers to view, and I leave them closed off for the duration of the visit. Sometimes I do a good job of avoiding that space and I forget that it even exists. With my Lord standing in my doorway, I scurry about trying to clean up so that I might invite Him further into the house, but it is slow going and I find myself simply moving my trash from one room of the house to the other. My Lord stops me and reminds me that I have invited Him in and He, and only He, has the power to actually remove the accumulated junk from my front room. I submit and sacrifice a portion of my life to Him and under His direction, remove the things that are in the way, but I still haven't given Him complete access...after all, who wants to see the back of my bathroom cabinets!!! I feel like a new person because my front room is clean and we settle down to have a nice chat. But, my Lord is soon thirsty and asks to dine with me. I panic, of course, because I haven't done the dishes is a while and doubt highly that there is a clean cup with which to drink from, nor is there a single thing worthy of serving to my Lord in my cabinets. But, in time, I remember that just as the Lord cleared out my front room, surely He's able to clear out my kitchen too and I surrender to His commands and care. So we go through the rest of the house, all of the bedrooms and bathrooms...except that one...my personal "dungeon" with all of my personal accumulated junk. My Lord offers, but I decline, thinking that it would be too embarrassing or too hard to parade my junk in front of His nose. So, being a gracious Lord, me pretending the room doesn't exist, my Lord waiting for me to acknowledge its presence. The rooms begins to stink and the stench of my own filth begins to infiltrate the house. The odor is so repugnant to my Lord that He is no longer comfortable in the back of the house and retreats to the front room. The smell continues to spread and suddenly my Lord tells me that He is going to go stand in the doorway until I am ready. All of those hours I have spent cleaning the rest of my house are for naught because my filth has spread even into my clean rooms. The Lord reminds me that He is ready and able to show me how to clean that last room, but I stubbornly refuse and pretend not to notice the smell. I pride myself on the appearance of my clean house, so shiny and tidy but I am still careful not to invite anyone else over, for surely they would smell it and no longer see the clean surfaces. One day, as I step out of the shower and glance at myself in the mirror, I can barely recognize myself, for I am covered in grime. On my knees I crawl to the door and beg my Lord to save me, again, to come in, again, and clean me, again, and this time, to take over my entire house, so there is never a doubt who reigns. My Lord helps me up and as we walk to the back of the house, I notice the stench begin to dissipate. We reach the door and my Lord tells me that if I can just opened it sooner to Him, it would have been much easier to clean, but now the stuff has begun to decay and fester and though the process is going to take longer, my Lord reassures me that He is capable of removing all my filth, but I need to show it to Him and I need to remove it from my house, forever. This I do and my Lord and I have constant fellowship, for nothing is hidden from Him. When I am tempted to bring home some extra junk, my Lord reminds me of how easily a little junk will soon overtake me, pushing Him out of the way, and I obey and life is sweet.

I am sure that you can see some parallels between my story and my life. I am confident that I have invited the Lord into my house, but I am not sure how much of my house I have made available to Him. I know that I frequently ignore His voice asking me to clean out a part of my life, in fact, I've become quite good at it. I think that's what this move has done for me, open my eyes to my own filth and the realization that without God's help, I won't ever get clean and though I might feel like a Christian, my actions betray me and I am undone.

Why I Haven't Been Writing...

I have always loved writing. It has been at times cathartic and at other times an escape from what I'm really feeling. Whenever I talk, I have this tendency to talk in circles completely contradicting myself within one monologue but for whatever reason, this is less evident when I am writing. I love the idea of preserving a heritage or a record of what has been going on in my life and how I manage to cope. Generally, I write out all my whiny and insignificant thoughts. Normally, I don't have anyone to tell me exactly how petty I am behaving. Now, I do.

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. -John 16:33

The reason that I haven't been writing is because the things that I have thought to write about are all insignificant. I have been overwhelmed with facing my sin for what it is, instead of just pushing it off as "the way we do things" or "the way I was raised" or "just the way I am". Even my standard attempt at "trying" has become inconsequential. Living with my family was never going to be ideal, but the amount of accountability I endure have is extreme.

We all live in the same three rooms, my mother my youngest sister, me and my two children. Though we have an extra three and a half bedrooms upstairs, they are being mildly renovated because of the lead paint and we have not moved anything up there for our safety. The problem is...there is a LOT of lead paint. So much that we can't get rid of it. The last few days we have settled on a good containment solution (covering it with a thick coat of fresh paint), but we have done plenty of paint stripping in the meantime to get to the lead coat, just so that the details in this turn of the century home shine through. We are hoping to be moved upstairs in about a week or so. In the meantime, however, we are practically living on top of each other.

This situation has made it possible for my wise mother to critique every aspect of my life, from my diet, the way I raise (and treat) my children to my other inherent character flaws. At times my sister has contributed her opinion, but on the whole, she attempts to act as a buffer between the two of us.  The real clincher is that my mom is right. She always is and it is painful to admit it. My husband rarely calls me on my sin, partly because I have perfected my self defense (usually by shifting blame on to him...shame on me!) and often, he lets my sins go because he loves me and is always hoping for the best for me. My mother desperately wants the best for me and she is determined to point out how I am getting in my own way.

I have found myself confronting my motives for change, discovering why I have made no lasting change, and dealing with character issues of every sort. Where I thought I was on the right track, I now find that I might not be. In short, my entire life has been turned upside down. Still, those are all things I'd normally blog about...so why the silence, even in the midst of these heart-rending issues? I think it comes down to the complete lack of privacy.

I don't have the time or location to sit and mull over all these issues. Right now, it is two hours past my bedtime and my sister is sitting not five feet away typing on her computer; privacy is all but gone.

So what have I learned in my silence? To offer it up in prayer. I have recently purchased Alan Jackson's CD, Precious Memories, which is a collection of hymns. I have found it to be incredibly soothing and uplifting. One of the songs that has really caught my attention is What A Friend We Have in Jesus. I have heard this hymn before, but it never really sunk in, not until just this week. I don't know if this is the whole song (probably not) but regardless, these are the words:

What a friend we have in Jesus

All our sins and griefs to bear

What a privilege to carry

Everything to God in prayer

Oh, what peace we often forfeit

Oh, what needless pain we bear

All because we do not carry

Everything to God in prayer

Have we trials and temptations

Is there trouble anywhere

We should never be discouraged

Take it to the Lord in prayer

Can we find a friend so faithful

Who will all our sorrows share

Jesus knows our every weakness

Take it to the Lord in prayer

I am looking forward to this time now, even as I struggle through all of this. I know where to go for help, though I am still not asking for help often enough yet. I was reminded of the beginning of James the other day.

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. -James 1: 2-4

So there you have it. I have not been writing because I am dealing with deep personal issues...I'll call a spade a spade, I am not dealing with "personal issues", I am dealing with SIN and I don't have enough time these days to be online alone to hash out these issues for our mutual benefit. The other thing I have found is that a lot of the blogs I loved to follow have decided to stop blogging which is just plain discouraging and yet I understand their decisions.

So, if you think of it, say a prayer for me here in Colorado...hopefully I'll be on again long enough to write those articles I said I was going to write, but if not, just know that God is working in my life for His good purpose, and that is my greatest desire.

Love to you all, Kristi

Whoops!

So, that's what I get when practicing in my blog- a phantom post. I just love looking at Mary's blog and seeing my own link. It makes me feel so special! However, when I popped over today I was surprised to see the post I had deleted. Apparently, if you post anything, the RSS feeder will update, but it isn't updating your blog, it is updating your "posts" so deleting a post didn't register. Oh well.

My Not Blogging Break

I am not taking a blogging break. I hate it when bloggers that I love take a break and leave me, their loyal reader, without my favorite fix! :) Obviously, I understand that blogging just doesn't come first for some people and, if you twist my arm hard enough, I might even agree that it is wrong to put a blog first, but stop twisting already, I am feeling guilty enough!

The plan that I am hoping to follow is a simple reduction in the time I spend on the computer, reducing it to only TWO HOURS A DAY. Think I can manage it? I don't either, but I have to. For too long, I have been stalking blogs, waiting for them to post something new so I can read it. I have taken to reading archives of my favorite blogs to see what happened before I found them. The problem is, the computer doesn't make for a good multi-tasker, at least not when it comes to housework. Not too long ago, I posted pictures of my perfectly clean house...it's not clean anymore! How pathetic? Can't even last a month? Granted, it is better than before, but not by much...

So, the deal I am making with myself is one hour during naptime and another hour in the evening. I will even splurge and allow myself an extra evening hour if I have everything done. I have a never-ending pile of sewing that I want to sew and yet the computer just absorbs me. It has to stop. I know that I can still enjoy things like TV and blogging, but they have to be in the correct order, they have to come after the productive hobbies.

Well, there you have it. And now on to clean up the living room before hubby comes in for the night!

Happy New Year!!!

I rarely make New Year's resolutions...okay, so I mention the million different things I would like to change and I may even make up a very pretty chart detailing how I am going to change...and I am done changing by January 2nd! This year, I am doing things a little differently.

I am setting goals, which isn't the different part. I want to lose a significant amount of weight (60-70 pounds by this summer and I want to begin to try to get pregnant upon reaching a sustainable weight (170 pounds). I figure that I can get pretty close, losing about 10 pounds a month for 6 months...and I'll be at 170 around March or April. I always bite off more than I can chew, so these are the steps I am going to travel to get there (I will be posting this to my other website, FISH, Finally I'm Seeking Health later):

Jan: drink 8 glasses of water/day

eat one serving raw veggies and one raw fruit/day

workout with husband Mon-Sat at the gym for one hour. This is just about the only "quality time" we get- looking forward to it!

Feb: look for new recipes especially for vegetables

institute a vegetarian night

find time during the day for a small workout (ie. walk with kids, trampoline...)

Mar: add another vegetarian night

try new foods

change the workout routine, add a new exercise

look back and see how far I've come and how good I feel

Apr: begin to choose organic food

look for ways to work more in the home, cleaning thoroughly as exercise (gardening too!)

May: try something new

buy new clothes

June: congratulate myself with a dress form in my new size!

The other thing I have decided to do is to cover my head for the month of January. I already have covers and the thing is, I just haven't found enough proof to feel like I shouldn't do it. I keep telling myself it's not necessary, but why do I keep coming back to it? It doesn't take much, it doesn't hurt, it helps keep my hair out of my face (which is something I can't stand anyway!) So, my goal is to attempt it for a solid month and re-evaluate from there.

Other random things:

-I want to create a reading list, which I will post on the blog, with the assorted books I want to read this year. I will probably only pick about 20, even though I know I can read more than that

-I want to continue writing my novel(s). They are fun to write.

-I recently began a journal for my son and daughter and I want to "back-date" them with information from their younger years.

-I want to become a more proficient seamstress. I love sewing.

See, no resolutions here! :) 

Look for more posts soon, my daughter has been ill and I think I might be getting a little bit of it- the head feels very fuzzy right now, just no mental clarity or ability to think or concentrate.

The Spider Saga

So this was a post that I wrote for my very first blog, when my daughter was still a baby. It was written in February of 2005, but I really like it, and I think you will too. So, here goes:

Ewww, yuck! For those of you who don't know me, I hate spiders, scorpions, basically any form of bugs (or arachnid) that moves. I don't know why I have this slight terror, maybe they are just misunderstood creatures, but to me, they are creepy! Anyway, so today starts like any other morning. Jordyn wakes me up at 7:30 (I had actually been somewhat ignoring her for the last two hours in order to get some more sleep; she was dozing in and out). She plays in her room a little, for some reason she is very cheerful and active when she gets up, she doesn't get that from me! Anyway, I can smell the stinky diaper but know that I am going to have to change her clothes too, after all, it's the beginning of a new day. That leads me to remember that I still have to clean out her closet of all her "oh, so cute, way too tiny" clothes. So, as I am progressing through this heartbreaking task..."that was so cute"... "I think Mom gave that to me".... "She only wore this once"... anyway, I have moved onto doing her drawer too. Not too bad, just some old onesies to put away. Okay, we're still good here, no creepy crawly things yet...until...

I lay back and look up at the ceiling and see this little black thing near Jordyn's light. I think to myself, it has to be a fly, please let it be a fly...then it moves a little and I realize that this is no fly. Maybe a silverfish? Oh, no. It comes fully out from under the light and I see them...all eight of those terrible legs! Now, I have to mention that I have found a HUGE spider, we're talking a half dollar size on the front door, Jordyn's eye height when we were walking out. This spider, is not huge. It is small. Not quite baby spider material, maybe an adolescent (who wants them around anyway :) ) So, we're talking maybe nickel size...including legs. But this spider is invading on my child's space. Just sitting there waiting for the opportune moment to launch an offensive. Well, Jordyn was going to have to go down for her nap soon, so I knew that I had to get this trespasser out of my daughter's ceiling. I can just imagine him crawling over to the space above her crib and then slowly lowering himself...the last thing I want to see is a creepy crawly creation on my daughter. But all is good, we have a handy dandy can of spider killer, it will be over in a moment...as long as the deceased spider doesn't fall on me, we will be able to move on. Right?

I take Jordyn out of the room and put her in her Exersaucer (walker/bouncer type unit that has a bunch of toys attached to it...Jordyn loves it.) in the living room. Far removed from whatever fumes may ensue. I'm ready. I feel like I could use some more bouncing, spitting and butt-slapping, but I am prepared. I aim, shoot, and fire; unleashing this supposedly lethal blow to the enemy. Well, I obtained the element of surprise. Unfortuneately for me, I surprised the spider right onto the inside of the light fixture. Great...now I can't even back up my first blow with a second blow. The spider is still alive. Dazed and confused his is, and tries to figure out how to get himself out of this ambush. He scoots to the edge of the glass where I am ready to fire another lethal blow. No luck, he sees my attack coming and ducks. Anyway, we play this cat and mouse game for awhile. I get a stool to stand on providing myself with a way to get inside the fixture, without getting too close, I spray, he curls up into a ball...getting my hopes up. Then, two seconds later, he's back up and at 'em. By now, I assume that he's ingested enough poison to knock him dead with just one more squirt. So, I let him think he's got the advantage. I leave for a little bit and when I come back, Leggy there has gotten back onto my side of the glass and is toying with the thought of sliding down to the ground where he hopes freedom is waiting.

I see my chance and attack. No luck. This spider must have built up an immunity to this stuff! So, I realize that if he does decide to go to the floor I will be able to smash him. Not usually my favorite form of attack seeing as I have to get too close to the creature, but nothing else has worked. So, I see him test the waters (so to speak) by dangling a little. Feeling like all is well, he repels a little further. I am seeing my enemy's weakness and pick up a piece of wood. (This wood had been left in Jordyn's room by Eric because he was showing me something...I don't know why I never removed it, but now I'm glad I didn't). Leggy, seeing his potential escape begins to let loose and slide down even faster. But, I'm prepared. With a solid whack, I knocked him to the ground. Not knowing if he was dead or alive, I clobbered him again. This time, there was no doubt. He was curled into a nice little ball on the carpet. Victory!

Jordyn was getting cranky so I realized that I had no time for a proper burial (in the toilet) or even to play Taps. After all, he was a very worthy adversary. I leave him on the ground and get Jordyn. I feed in her preparation of her nap. Carefully I move my sleepy baby toward her crib, avoiding the fatal zone where Leggy lays. I kiss Jordyn "goodnight" and grab a tissue and dispose of this creature in the trash can.

All is well in la-la land now, Jordyn is sleeping and I keep jumping at every tickle or touch thinking that some of his friends or relatives saw my terrible behavior and are mounting an attack. Whoever said nature was a good thing?

A List of Accomplishments

I found this list Meme on this blog which I have never read before, but this looked interesting and fun to me. I bolded the ones that I have already done and italicized the ones that are on my "goal list." For fun, I explained (I always take advantage of a chance to use as many words as possible!) :)

1. Started your own blog, um, you're reading it...
2. Slept under the stars, in a tent (but we could see the stars)
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you could afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/land, I grew up in Southern California...we went regularly; I would love to go to Disneyworld though!
8. Climbed a mountain!
9. Held a praying manits
10. Sang/played a solo, It was O Holy Night for a voice class in college. I missed the high note.
11. Bungee jumped, Close enough, I did one of those large bungee attractions. It was fun.
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France
20. Slept on an overnight train, We went from Seattle to Chicago, it was a blast and we'll do it again!!! Much better than a plane...
21. Had a pillow fight Yesterday, actually and almost everyday
22. Hitch-hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Run a Marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a homerun
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied, I should have this already!!!
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke, It was forced upon me...
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance, a serious gall-bladder attack, called 911 and everything!
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain, Its always raining here, we have lots of opportunities!!!
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Been in a movie, I was in Rudy. I was part of the crowd cheering "Rudy, Rudy..." at the end of the movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business, several times- they have all failed
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Gotten flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platettes or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been fired from a job
76. Seen the changing of the guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcyle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book, that would really be a dream come true!!!
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read the entire Bible, how embarrassing that I can't say yes!!!
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life I was a lifeguard...and a young boy jumped off a diving board into the deep end, came up in the "drowner's position" before going under. I was in the water and got him out safely. I don't think he swam again the rest of the day...
90. Sat on a jury, I have jury duty scheduled at the end of the month...
91. Met someone famous, wouldn't know them if I saw them...
92. Joined a book club
93. Lost a loved-one
94. Made a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee

Yup..that's my life...