Saturday, November 22, 2008

Babysitting and Homeschooling?

I have been thinking more about homeschooling lately. Jordyn is getting close to school age and she is eager to go to school. We live across the street from a (bad) public school, but she is so excited about going. Awhile back, last spring, when it was still very cold and the dew still froze the grass every night, I was lazy in the morning. The kids were still in their "footie-style" jammies and I had (of course) turned on the TV. I was working on my computer which happened to be in the master bedroom, Jordyn came in at one point to tell me she was going to school, but I didn't understand. Imagine my dread as I realized that I didn't hear the usual whining and screaming. I quickly came around the corner and the front door was ajar. I ran out the door screaming my daughter's name, still in my PJs too. It was then that I noticed the two little figures in the jammies crossing our frozen field of grass heading toward the school. She was 3 and holding her 2 year old brother's hand sopping wet feet even in their little footies. Thankfully, they came when called and promised never to leave again without Mommy or Daddy. We installed a top bolt later that day.

This story breaks my heart twice; once, that she is so eager to go to school to learn and I am letting her and her brother watch countless hours of TV which brings me to number two, that I am just an awful, selfish parent. I didn't even hear them go!!! I have spent the last four years pushing my kids aside with movies and TVs so that I don't have to get involved with them, after all, I'm busy surfing the internet! I have a deep regret about the way I have been parenting. Today was one of those days. I kept getting up to do something, but sitting down again a minute later. I ran off on all sorts of non-productive tangents and ended up with an entire day wasted. It struck me that I wasn't a mother, instead, I was a babysitter: waiting until the real authority showed up and I could go back to what I was doing. OHHHH, I love my kids, I want to teach them, I want to nurture them, I want to see them to come to know Jesus as their Lord and Savior. HOW? How can I even come close to doing anything like that for my children? I am so self-absorbed 80% of the time that when I finally do pull myself together, I am so busy "catching up" that I can't be bothered with my kids either! What a heartache this is... "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame." -Proverbs 29:15. What a painful verse to read, but I must be made to see, I am forcing my children away.

Please pray for me, confronting this requires digging through years of personal baggage. I have been selfish from the get-go (just watch some of my childhood home-movies!) but I am a new creature in Christ and bound to sin no more, but that doesn't mean it makes it easy, it just means I have a Rock to go to for strength. Praise God for that!!!

So often I feel like my kids deserve better than me. I think that is where I come back to homeschooling. I know in my heart that it is the best method, that it is the right thing to do, but then I think about how excited Jordyn is to go to school and I think to myself, that it might just be better that she go. She would get a better education...even if it's a lousy one!!! As the pressure starts to build about what she should know or should be able to do or be doing, I begin to further doubt my abilities, despite what I know to be true.


kbrownpa said...

Hey sweetie, You are so brave to admit this- and that is half the battle. My children are 25, 20, and 11 (I homeschool him)- yes, all planned and by my only husband! My advise to you is turn off the TV! I want to encourage you to enjoy this time with your children- yes it is true it does go FAST! Our next-door-neighbor's 16 year-old daughter comitted suicide last year- the mother couldn't be bothered with her. Somethings can't be done over. With much love- I know what a hard and important job this! It's eternal! Angela

Pen of Jen said...

I feel the wonderings of your heart...but know this you can build excitement for anything for your children. If you hate something so will they. So it appears as if you are allowing the child's excitement rule the home. Please don't take that as harsh. We live in times where children are on a pedestal,and we give in to their every whim...

I agree with the comment on turning off the TV...also get in the word, and research home schooling. I have a quote for you:

"If we continue to send our children to Caesar for their education, we need to stop being surprised when they come home as Romans." ~Voddie Baucham

Does this make sense? The secular world is excluding Christ from everything...and make no mistake if you grant the school the ability that the Lord gives to you(on training up a child) you will have the result you wish.

Please do not publish this if you feel I am being too harsh. I am just aware that time is short and we must guard and protect our children. The public school is a place where being a Christian is the only thing not permitted, perhaps your children will be fine with transgender education or attending a gay wedding, or learning why the boy in the class has two daddies...

Just some thoughts.

Kristi said...

Thank you for the responses! I know that I should turn off the TV but here is a question I have, and I know its a stupid one, but bear with me: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THEM? I remember asking my mom that when I had just one newborn and I am still asking. What do I do? How do I keep them busy and out of trouble all day long?

Jennifer, I completely agree with your opinion on public school, which is why I am having such a difficult time. It's the LAST place I'd ever want to send my sweet, innocent daughter, but though I've done a TON of research about homeschool, I still don't feel like I know what to DO all day long.

I wish that I knew someone's house to visit so I can just watch them all day long: how they handle meals, play, school, discipline, little infractions, chores, free name it, I want to see it! I think that's why blogging is addicting- you do get a glimpse of someone's life, but it isn't complete, which makes you want to keep coming back!

Anyway, thank you so much for commenting!!!