My How Things Have Changed

Did you ever read through an old journal of yours only to realize that you don't recognize the person that you were then? That's how flipping through this blog has been for me this morning.

When I left this blog, I was dresses and skirts ONLY, considering wearing a headcovering full-time, and thought that the only place a woman belonged was in the house. So much has changed, and yet, I'm still the same.

One of my favorite things about God is how He works on us. As we read and study our Bible, new things are revealed to us; out of our obedience we follow them, sometimes blindly. There is always a balance to be had between unfettered growth and pausing to hear the Lord's voice, between growing stagnant and jumping into large changes with minimal amounts of information. So it was for me. I felt like my life had lost its purpose, or at least what purpose I saw, I didn't understand because it held little so little value to me. I dove deeper to find my purpose and along the way, came across some very strange notions- things I have never even considered before.

One of them was that women should only wear dresses or skirts. At first, I thought this was insane. Why on earth would you confine a person to wearing a particular outmoded garment just based on their gender? Then, I began to look around and more importantly, I began to read the opinions of other women who had dealt with this issue, almost all of them had turned to "dresses only." As I looked around me, I began to see that it did make sense, that women should be easily recognizable as feminine. I threw out the pants and made (poorly) some skirts to wear. The transition was difficult, but in time, I grew to love my skirts. I got better at sewing and I really did love the idea of looking pretty and feminine all the time. Now, three years later, my principle has stayed the same, but my application has changed. I do think that women should attempt to put an effort into evaluating both the modesty and femininity of their outfits. I think that dresses and skirts should play a much larger role in my wardrobe. Jeans make me lazy. It is too easy to pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and call myself dressed. Now, I own one pair of jeans and quite a few skirts. When I get my body back (since Andrew is holding it hostage for another couple of weeks), I intend to update my wardrobe with some nicer looking, feminine clothing. Pants still play a role, but I think that my focus needs to be on looking feminine. [For more information about why I actually made the transition, including the verses I used to back up my decision, feel free to browse my archives.]

One of the other things I found were whole communities of conservative Christian believers who wore headcoverings or pursued a simple lifestyle. My battle with headcovering still goes on in my head every once in a while. The thing is, I have never heard an argument that convinced me that headcovering was unnecessary, but I have heard several that have convinced me to cover. That being said, I don't cover my hair- why? Because, I am honoring my husband and respecting his headship in this matter. That is what covering your head is all about- to show proper order. God to Jesus to man to woman- see 1 Corinthians 11. Eric does not want me to wear a headcovering right now, but should his opinion on the subject change one day, I will gladly submit to his authority.

The simple life is even easier. As I searched for "like-minded people" that both desired their women to wear skirt and headcovers, I found these staunchly religious people who believed that God wanted them to deny many of the current conventions of our society and live an agrarian lifestyle, as close to the land as possible. I admit, that this too, held some allure for me. I felt like my life was going nowhere and thought that this big change was going to be the ticket. I was ready to pack up and move to Texas to camp out while Eric built our house from scratch and raise chickens and farm and use an outhouse. Thankfully, Eric refused. I still have some lingering ideas from this study. I believe that, as Christians, we are called to be good stewards of the earth, which means not wasting our natural resources and not harming the planet when there are better ways. I will eat organic food as my budget allows and I am planning on using cloth diapers (and transition to other cloth products instead of typical paper disposables like tissues, paper towels, and napkins). I would LOVE to have chickens in my backyard and grow some of my own produce. I think this is fun and is mainly a way to help my family live like good stewards while actually saving some money for the family.

As for women staying in the home...well that has changed too, but it is the hardest battle I have fought. I do think that women should be the "keepers at home" that we read about in Titus. However, I am also beginning to think that staying at home and keeping the home are different. Despite the fact that I will have a young baby this fall, I am still planning on going back to school to finish my degree. For our family, this is a financial decision. The VA is paying for me to go back to school so for our family, this is the best choice. I won't have this ability for long. I would love to go back to homeschooling my kids and staying at home, but for now, I am learning how to be the most efficient homemaker possible so that when I am forced to leave the house, I am ready for it.

So much change, so much study, only to change again. I think that God puts me into different positions to consider them carefully and to learn to rely on Him and His word above the conventions of society or whatever feels good or right to me. Sometimes, that has taken me down a crazy rabbit trail, but at the beginning and end, I see God. Lately, I've been seeing how I've become judgmental of people who have not made some of these choices. God has been revealing to me how "un-Godlike" that is in me- that it is, plain and simple, sin. I have a feeling that God is not done with me yet. That's good. My purpose in life is clearer, to be the best wife and mother as I possibly can, to serve God and my family with my whole heart, no matter where I may be, and to glorify God in my actions and point people toward Him.

I am still blogging (infrequently) at my other blog: http://krankemommy.wordpress.com, so check me out there if you want.

Man!!!

The hits just keep on coming. I am so thankful that I know that God is sovereign otherwise I would have to be thinking by now that there was some big cosmic joke being played on my family. Interestingly enough, usually when Christians start experiencing trials and tribulation, they assume that it is spiritual warfare. I don't. See the thing is, I think that God is teaching me a lesson, quite a few of them actually and all at the same time!

Sure, it's possible that Satan is trying to get us down, in fact we know that is a fact, but at the same time, I don't attribute all these seemingly random events as a negative (spiritual warfare) but instead choose to see them as an opportunity for growth and sanctification.

Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. -Isaiah 41:10

And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. -2 Corinthians 12:9

So what happened? We found out that Eric will likely be deploying to Iraq within the next month, but he was able to take the vacation with us. We were completely out of money when an opportunity came up for me to watch an elderly lady for two days. We visited family (which is both a positive and a negative) and even managed to reconcile differences with a brother. We drove home after being away for two weeks to find someone had broken into our home and stolen our brand new TV and our entire DVD collection (over 300 titles!), but we had been trying (unsuccessfully) to limit our hours in front of it anyway.

Really, the clear message that we have been given these past few months has been, value people, not things. We are still working through all of the various issues, including whether it is "Christian" to declare bankruptcy and whether we have a choice even if it isn't. Getting to this point is the sin. We are learning that it is essential to invest in your family and not always things to surround your family with, that 30 minutes playing a board game is infinitely better than 90 minutes watching a movie, and that poor money management skills will affect every realm of your life.

Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law. -Romans 13:8

These are hard lessons and they yield a significant amount of stress and self-doubt and plenty other negative feelings, but God is faithful to the end and so must we be.

Changing Me

Yeah!!! I'm posting again...or at least I'm posting today. Yes, life has been incredibly busy, but that really isn't the entire reason that I haven't been blogging. The bottom line really is habit and sinful ones at that. While living in Washington, I was able to do whatever I pleased and I chose to spend my time online. I could, quite literally, spend the entire day reading blogs and waiting for new posts from my favorites. I had unlimited hours to devote to my first love (the computer) and I thought that by spending time online reading about other Godly women and Godly concepts that I was somehow becoming more Godly, perhaps through osmosis, so I thought that my hours spent wasted on the computer were actually justified away. The obvious problem is that when the rubber met the road, I was the same person.

It has taken two months of staring at myself in the ever-reflecting eyes of my family to realize that I am not a changed person. I do still believe that I am a born-again believer of Christ the King, but...

A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit. Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire. Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. ... Therefore, whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock ... And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand: And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house: and it fell: and great was the fall of it. -Matthew 7: 18-21, 24, 26-27

I once heard an analogy about accepting Christ. Revelation 3:20- "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me." The idea is that by accepting Christ, we invite Him into to the foyer of our house. Often times, when I have a guest come over, there are "forbidden rooms" that are just not presentable for strangers to view, and I leave them closed off for the duration of the visit. Sometimes I do a good job of avoiding that space and I forget that it even exists. With my Lord standing in my doorway, I scurry about trying to clean up so that I might invite Him further into the house, but it is slow going and I find myself simply moving my trash from one room of the house to the other. My Lord stops me and reminds me that I have invited Him in and He, and only He, has the power to actually remove the accumulated junk from my front room. I submit and sacrifice a portion of my life to Him and under His direction, remove the things that are in the way, but I still haven't given Him complete access...after all, who wants to see the back of my bathroom cabinets!!! I feel like a new person because my front room is clean and we settle down to have a nice chat. But, my Lord is soon thirsty and asks to dine with me. I panic, of course, because I haven't done the dishes is a while and doubt highly that there is a clean cup with which to drink from, nor is there a single thing worthy of serving to my Lord in my cabinets. But, in time, I remember that just as the Lord cleared out my front room, surely He's able to clear out my kitchen too and I surrender to His commands and care. So we go through the rest of the house, all of the bedrooms and bathrooms...except that one...my personal "dungeon" with all of my personal accumulated junk. My Lord offers, but I decline, thinking that it would be too embarrassing or too hard to parade my junk in front of His nose. So, being a gracious Lord, me pretending the room doesn't exist, my Lord waiting for me to acknowledge its presence. The rooms begins to stink and the stench of my own filth begins to infiltrate the house. The odor is so repugnant to my Lord that He is no longer comfortable in the back of the house and retreats to the front room. The smell continues to spread and suddenly my Lord tells me that He is going to go stand in the doorway until I am ready. All of those hours I have spent cleaning the rest of my house are for naught because my filth has spread even into my clean rooms. The Lord reminds me that He is ready and able to show me how to clean that last room, but I stubbornly refuse and pretend not to notice the smell. I pride myself on the appearance of my clean house, so shiny and tidy but I am still careful not to invite anyone else over, for surely they would smell it and no longer see the clean surfaces. One day, as I step out of the shower and glance at myself in the mirror, I can barely recognize myself, for I am covered in grime. On my knees I crawl to the door and beg my Lord to save me, again, to come in, again, and clean me, again, and this time, to take over my entire house, so there is never a doubt who reigns. My Lord helps me up and as we walk to the back of the house, I notice the stench begin to dissipate. We reach the door and my Lord tells me that if I can just opened it sooner to Him, it would have been much easier to clean, but now the stuff has begun to decay and fester and though the process is going to take longer, my Lord reassures me that He is capable of removing all my filth, but I need to show it to Him and I need to remove it from my house, forever. This I do and my Lord and I have constant fellowship, for nothing is hidden from Him. When I am tempted to bring home some extra junk, my Lord reminds me of how easily a little junk will soon overtake me, pushing Him out of the way, and I obey and life is sweet.

I am sure that you can see some parallels between my story and my life. I am confident that I have invited the Lord into my house, but I am not sure how much of my house I have made available to Him. I know that I frequently ignore His voice asking me to clean out a part of my life, in fact, I've become quite good at it. I think that's what this move has done for me, open my eyes to my own filth and the realization that without God's help, I won't ever get clean and though I might feel like a Christian, my actions betray me and I am undone.

Am I the only one who cares about communication?

Not having seen a healthy Christian relationship work...ever...I am a bit at a loss to know exactly how husbands and wives are supposed to relate to one another. I LOVE talking. It is how I process my thoughts and feelings and how I get close to another person. It is my "sex" if that is okay to say. The thing is, the person I want to talk to more than anyone else (my spouse) is not a talker.

How to I negotiate this? How do I "get all my words out" and still submit to his authority? Is my desire to discuss all my future hopes and dreams really my own assertions that he can't do the job properly, my way of taking back some control? Or is this just a need that should be met by my husband? Am I being selfish? I definitely can't trust the world's view on this and even in some Christian circles the male/female relationships have gotten convoluted. 

I have been reading some good blogs lately and like I posted in the previous post, I have been doing a lot of thinking about the Christian Agrarian lifestyle and the community that can follow (or does follow if you live in Santa Anna, TX). [See Biblical Agrarianism and Lazarus Unbound and my personal favorite Country Mom, whose blog I follow on my sidebar] These issues that I keep mulling over are the ones that I so desperately want to discuss with the one person that can truly impact these decisions, my husband. He does allow me to talk about them, but the discussion is usually one-sided because he doesn't have any new information to add. It is always a sermon; me giving away information and not knowing how to ask for any reciprocation. I can't jump into this lifestyle on my own besides being completely impractical, it feels out of the bounds of womanly submission. I know that once Eric gets into this stuff, I think he will really like it (which scares me a little bit too!) because he has never been a "city boy."

Argghhh!!! Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Do I just stay silent, on my knees waiting for the Lord to move in my husband? How much do I say, when do I say it? Ladies, please just pray for discernment on my part. I tend to focus on other people so much (and their flaws...if only he would change...) that I miss what the Lord is trying to show me. Perhaps He is showing me that I should run to Him for discussion on these topics and trust that Eric will be moved in the direction the Lord wants us to go.

Great Beginnings

A few days ago, I began my day by surfing the internet for several hours while my children watched mind-numbing television. Yesterday, there was no TV, but I still spent a significant portion of my morning surfing on the internet or puttering around the house. You know puttering, right? For me, it involves a round trip from my bedroom to the kitchen, whereupon I open the fridge, close the fridge, tell the kids to go play and meander back to the bedroom, climb in and pop the computer back on. Lest you begin to think that I am recommending this style of life as a “great beginning” let me reassure you. The afore-mentioned scenario is not the ideal or goal or is in any way to be emulated by anyone, ever.

I am fond of telling anyone that I am not a morning person, which is true. I frequently remind my husband that I just have trouble getting started in the morning and that I don’t really get going until the late afternoon, which is happily for me, when my husband gets home and I can therefore justify the cessation of all objectionable activities straightaway. And I wonder why the housework doesn’t get done.

Ironically, though perhaps that it a misuse of the word, I am able to function in the morning. I was in the military and they are known to say, “we get more work done before 9 am than most people do all day” and I have attended for a bunch of years, a school system which still, for reasons unbeknownst to me, prefers the morning hours as the most preferable for instruction. Yet in both instances, I was able to perform tolerably well in both these cases over a significant number of years. The fact that I don’t prefer it really ought not to make much of a big deal, but it does.

So far, I have developed two coping mechanisms. One, copious amounts of coffee, pre-programmed so all I have to do it roll out of bed and pour a cup. I’ve even considered moving the coffeemaker to my nightstand so I won’t even having the trouble of getting out of bed before consuming caffeine (yes, that was a joke…). The other, perhaps slightly more sustainable approach is to shower as soon as I wake up. Generally, I start a brewing cycle of coffee, then get in the shower, but the actual sprinkling of water upon my body in the morning seems to do the trick.

Of course, I am trying to work out more and as always, the morning hours get the best prize. My husband and I have just started a morning routine working out together which does get you up and going, but then I end up completing my day in sweaty clothes because I never showered. The idea of showering at the gym is a possibility... but have you ever been to a gym with all these women running around naked with no shame? I mean, it’s one thing to doff the towel to rub lotion on your legs at home, but at the gym??? Please, cover up already!!! [Okay, ranting aside] The possibility here is good, plus it gets me out of the house which means I can run errands in the morning on days that I need to do that….Hmm, possibilities.

The key to having a great beginning is to have a purposeful evening. Set yourself up for success and don’t stay up until 1:15am writing a blog post (oops), get to bed early. Instead of plunging into piles of clean laundry on the floor in the morning, at least remove one outfit per person to hang on a hook for the morning. The few (and I mean very few) times that I have done that, I have been amazed at how much easier it is to accomplish what I want out of the day. Usually by the time my kids get ready for bed, I am desperately ready for them to go to bed too and picking out an outfit is just not on the list. Gradually, though, I think they will get used to the idea of picking out clothes and getting dressed when you wake up….or at least that is what I am trying this week.

Labor Pains

Labor hurts. I think most (if not all) women approach labor and the impending delivery with mixed feelings; joy for the new life and fear of the unknown (and sometimes known) pain. At some point you feel like it just can’t be done, you can’t stand the pain any longer, can’t push anymore…and then they tell you the baby is crowning, you’re almost there, just a little more….with a little more effort, your hard work, blood, sweat and tears have resulted in a beautiful baby. The sound of that piercing cry announcing their presence makes it worth it, and you forget that you ever thought you couldn’t do it. I’m in labor right now, albeit a different variety. I won’t produce a crying baby from this labor, but I might just push through to find a happier, more content family.

We had a busy day today, all in different places, but we ended our days at Wal-Mart doing some grocery and random things shopping. By the time we brought in all the stuff, we were ready for a quick dinner and a nice relaxing evening. Noah, on the other hand, had other plans. He wanted to watch TV. My little 2 year old plopped himself on the couch and repeatedly said, “T-view” which is his version of “TV”. This isn’t abnormal and most of the time, he gets his way. Tonight, I told him no, but he kept repeating himself (he does that often). Then Eric stepped in and told Noah no. Eric has a louder voice than I do. Noah bust into tears. The tears didn’t dry up so Eric sent him to his bed (where are children are told to go if they feel the need to cry). Eric was so upset at Noah’s need to have the TV on that he removed the whole thing several minutes ago. Not only that, but he took out the DVD player (which wasn’t a whole lot of good without the TV, I must admit). I feel like Noah, ready to bust into tears.

The kids might enjoy watching TV and Noah really does seem to have a “need” to watch TV, at least it is the first thing he turns to for comfort and in boredom, but it’s really me that has the need. I love being able to “sleep in” on the couch when I have a bad morning. I love being able to shower during the day. I love being able to direct my children somewhere and have them go willingly and stay there so that I can get something done. I love sitting in front of it myself, watching brainless shows. I love being able to put it on even if it serves as only background noise. What don’t I like? I don’t like that I like those things! I want my children to grow up watching me doing the cooking and cleaning and be working right along side me. I want my kids to break out a game to play when they are bored. I want to have time to read to my children. I want my kids to learn at home, and actually learn! But it still hurts.

This is the labor pain; where I must endure something painful in order to give life to something completely new and wonderful. A woman rarely labors alone, she always has a support system in place, people to comfort and to encourage. She sometimes has a knowledgeable person present who can tell her how much further she has to go and to remind her about what she will gain from persevering through this trial. I find that comfort system in the blogs I read, my family, my husband, and mostly in my Lord. He is my Comforter, the one shouting at me in a mixture of excitement and angst, “you’re almost there, don’t stop yet!”

In many ways, labor is just like anything else in life. We go through the fire in our spiritual lives and come out sanctified and closer to God. We struggle to build up a marriage and end knowing each other better than we know ourselves. As a family, our goal is to be beacons to the world, to support and edify each other, to learn to serve and to unconditionally love each other. A family is a safe place to try new ideas, develop lasting friendships, to learn values and beliefs and bring glory to God. The television doesn’t help any of those things. It is a time waster. There is very little material benefit, and though there are good shows to watch (I personally like watching The Duggar’s show, 17 Kids and Counting), not watching them is just fine as well.

I was at my strongest over four years ago when, after having pushed for three and a half hours, my daughter was still unwilling to come out. They told me that I would need a C-Section and the doctor left to go prep the room. The last thing that I wanted was a C-Section. The nurse in front of me knew that and she told me that I didn’t need one, that I could do it. During the next 30 minutes I was pushing well and my daughter was crying on my stomach. Without that nurse, I might have given up. I knew better, I knew what I wanted but I didn’t think I could do it. I DID IT!!! I pray that I can go back to that moment when my will overcame my want.

5 Simple Steps

After having a couple of good responses to my previous post, I decided to start with 5 simple steps toward a simple life. It's an obvious enough reason: doable change.

1. Create healthy menus based on "staples" that can be stocked up and saved or prepared ahead of time. Create a recipe collection for inspiration.

2. NO TV in the mornings. This is going to be hard, but it is when we watch the most TV, so cutting it out is essential.

3. Cultivate contentment by purposefully thanking God for what I already have whenever I find myself being greedy or covetous; appreciate the clothes I already have and focus less on what I could have (if I just started sewing).

4. Clean! When the "blahs" set in during the morning, begin moving! Focus on a room (following the chart I have already created) and do it!

5. Move! Incorporate exercise into our now TV-free mornings by starting the day with a good walk with the kids or an evening walk as a family or jump for a minute every hour or scrub the floor or...adding physical activity to my day even in small amounts.

How does that sound? Now I have to go clean!

The Heart of the Matter

(This post began as a response to Anastasia-Jane's comment on my "My Issue with the Issues" post but it was just too long to post...and too important, so I've posted it here!)

I have always been one to give in to peer pressure, whether good or bad and for the longest time, I have always wanted to just fit in to a group. I have never fit into a group before and I don't make friends easily or keep them long when I do. I think all of that "baggage" is what is preventing me from seeing what is right in front of my face!

I don't look good in long skirts, I am about 75 pounds overweight and skirts are just NOT flattering when you are heavy. Sure, dresses can hide little indiscretions here and there, but they only work to accentuate the extra weight I'm carrying around. However, despite the fact that I look poorly in them, I have felt called to wear them. I feel better when I wear long skirts and I like it when my daughter does too. Frankly, at my weight dresses and skirts are just more comfortable because there is less pulling and tugging going on. So, for now, I am settling on the comfortable, God-honoring, modest, but completely unfashionable and unattractive skirts and dresses. As I lose the weight (see my other blog!) I hope to be able to begin to look nice in dresses again. I know I will once the weight is gone, and I'll probably look better than I would in pants!!!

I know I've said a lot already but when you said that "God would lay in on your heart to change," it made me think of what God is teaching me. I am learning about all of these different "conservative" approaches and I have tried them all with varying degrees of "success" but the real lesson isn't in putting on a particular garment (skirt or headcovering) it is in my ATTITUDE, my heart that reveals what I am truly wearing. Whether I am wearing pants or a skirt, when I confront my husband over an issue, I disrespect his authority over me and disgrace my Father in heaven. I am learning so much about my place in the world, in society, in the home and under God. These things have been HARD for me to learn because it isn't as easy as putting on a dress! I wish it was...but God is working on changing my heart. I praise Him for this stressful time because I know He is changing me into the woman that he wants me to be! My husband has already noticed a difference in my attitude toward him when I am wearing pants and when I am wearing skirts.

As I try to take it one day at a time, I am realizing that wearing these unattractive outfits keeps the vanity off of myself. I don't have to fret about my "butt looking big in these jeans" because I'm not wearing jeans, I am wearing a modest dress or skirt. Sure, I am looking wider than I actually am, but I can give that to God. He has created me just as I am and loves all my curves, even the ones I want to get rid of! See, it's really a heart issue. I have been complaining about my hair lately because it isn't long and beautiful like so many other women. I want it to be long and beautiful and either straight or curly. My hair can't decide what to be and just ends up frizzy, I get frustrated with it in the morning and am tempted to whine and complain...this is my heart!!! I am now turning to thanks all my complaints. "I hate scrubbing toilets! Thank you Lord that I have indoor plumbing, that my son is still too young to make cleaning around the side an arduous task. Thank you Lord that you have given me hands to work that I might bless my family with them." And so goes my day. This can only be the Lord changing me. Oh, how I want to be changed!!! "Create in me a clean heart, O God; and renew a right spirit within me." Psalm 51:10 KJV