Testing

I have been working hard these last two weeks, while Eric has been away, to change my thinking about my position as it relates to him and God. I am beginning to see what is expected of me a little more clearly. What seemed like Eric's demands now, I now can view from a different angle, which is that by submitting to Eric I have submitted to the Lord and this is the greatest honor. However, it is very easy to think about change, slightly difficult to change your mind or attitude, but it is much more difficult to change your actions. One of the easiest subjects in my current "wife curriculum" is Home Care 101-teaching a stubborn young woman how to care and clean her own house. This is such as easy subject to test because the results are apparent for all to see. I admit, I have been lax in this area. Cleaning has always been difficult for me and I have never really gained an appreciation of a clean house or a repulsion for a dirty house. These things are coming, but again, I don't have them yet.

My time of testing came, yesterday evening, when Eric said that he was part of a group that was required to come back "to the rear" which is in Centralia. I was happy that he had gotten out of his CQ duty and we hung up. Several minutes later Eric called back to tell me that they were not going to Centralia, but to the armory in Olympia! He wanted to know if I would pick him up and bring him home for the night. It's a no-brainer when your spouse call up and says that he will be 10 miles away for the night, you haven't seen him in two weeks and you are still going to be apart for another 2 weeks. Of course I would pick him up! Then came the problem- Eric wasn't due home for 2 weeks, and the house was appropriately dirty! I had two hours to make the house presentable. Not going to happen.

I spent the largest amount of time clearing a spot for him on the bed, moving all the laundry to the living room to fold and changing the sheets. I had also hoped to do the dishes because that always makes my tiny kitchen look clean. I had just finished folding the last shirt when Eric called to say that he was ready for me to pick him up. I sighed, berated myself and got my children together to drive into Olympia. We picked him up, he came home, said nothing about the house, slept and went back this morning. It was an enjoyable few hours though I am extremely grateful that most of the hours were spent asleep because he was given less time to evaluate the house. I think I learned a valuable lesson though: you never know when someone is going to come over and you might as well be prepared.

When I was using Flylady's system (www.flylady.com), one of the first acronyms I noticed (she uses almost as many as the Army) was CHAOS- Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome. This "syndrome" was indeed what I was/am suffering from. The fact that I don't want to clean and don't get dressed first thing in the morning is what prevents me from NOT being trapped by my house. Learning to clean frequently as a part of my daily activities is essential. This is what I am learning; I have two more weeks to establish it.

I was tested last night and though I could have failed miserably, I did pass...with a C-/D+. I should be capable of getting an A on that particular test, everytime, so that is my goal for the next two weeks...

Head Covering?

I have been researching the topic of Biblical modesty for quite some time now (as frequent readers well know) and now yet another topic concerning Biblical modest comes up; the topic of headcovering during prayer and prophesying. According to 1 Corinthians 11: 2-16, God (through Paul) discusses whether each sex should wear their  head covered. He states the concept of the "head" of a person figuratively, then moves into the practical application, quite literally that it is a disgrace for men to have their head covered and yet it is a disgrace if women choose to leave their heads UNCOVERED. He finishes with an example from nature. I have gone through a variety of interpretations, my own personal thinking that Paul is being figurative throughout, since he starts with a figurative concept, but I am not sure that I believe that anymore. I have read a good article on the subject at this website: http://www.kingshouse.org/headcovering.htm. I would completely encourage anyone to go visit it (there should be a link) because it really made me think. I didn't go out and buy a bunch of headcoverings, though I hae looked for some that look a little more modern and not so "Islamic" in style. Interesting that we associate a Jewish and Christian practice now more with Islam than the original religion! Anyway, this topic is fascinating me right now, as is modest, feminine clothing. Tell me what you think!!! You can post right to this website, which would be great...even dissenting opinions are welcome.

College From Home

I have always wanted to get my degree, though I think that without the persuasion of my mom, I would probably be a little more okay with NOT pursuing a degree and instead vesting my time at home with my family. As it is, I am doing neither. As I have posted in previous posts, I am in the process of changing all of that. I am confident that it won't be changing overnight, but am working on it. Whenever I ask Eric how to go about changing, he always says, "just do it," like the key is just in doing it. I always thought that was the least helpful advice in the world but now I am beginning to understand. Change is only so good as what you are doing. We always liked to say that it's "the thought that counts" but really, that is only okay for children buying a parent a gift. In reality, talking about change (what I am very good at!!!) is not enough. I have to actually change and not in thoughts, I have to change in actions. I think this is what Eric has been struggling to see in me lately- a change in action. Though I have had a change in heart, meaning that I regret my actions when I behave poorly and I recognize that the house is not cleaned up to standard, I haven't (yet) allowed my heart to influence my actions and get me off the couch (and internet) and on to cleaning and care-taking. I am learning to change my actions now and my biggest prayer i that I am able to make lasting changes. So often, I go overboard on my changes and then am unable to continue them. I even feel my appropriate rush of feeling on top of the world, but as soon as I miss a step, I'm back to square one (sounds like the Atkins diet!!!). So back to the degree...

I had originally planned to go to Saint Martin's this fall and was planning on putting the kids in full-time daycare (though the wouldn't have to be there full-time) since Jordyn would be going to school in a year, it seemed like a good time to start since I only have a little over a year left for my English degree. However, as the time has drawn close, I don't think I can manage the $12,000 per SEMESTER tuition costs, plus paying $1500 in daycare a month...that's pretty darn expensive for a degree that I don't plan on using!!! I satisfied myself with staying at home and learning with my children as I begin to teach them. However, I mentioned to a neighbor about wanting to get a degree but being able to afford Saint Martins and not willing to go to Evergreen. She said I should look in to an online degree. I blew it off, but the thought stuck in my head and now, I have applied and been accepted to University of Maryland University College (UMUC). Their English degree is 100% online and I will minor in History. I can't even say how excited I am about this school right now!!! I can start this fall and though it won't give me anything that I can really use for a career but most schools have a program where you can get your teaching credentials after you get your BA degree, so if I'm ever at the point where I NEED to teach, I can get my certificate within a year or so. It's not ideal, but by then my kids would both be school-age, and that makes child care easier. The funny part about me going to school is that we MAKE money in the process instead of spending money like at Saint Martins. Because UMUC is a public, non-profit school, they get extra grants and scholarships that other schools might not. Plus, since Eric is in the NG, we get "in-state" tuition costs. Plus, I get my GI Bill, which is supposed to be $1300 a month starting in October, I think. Basically, I will get paid to go to school. This alleviates the need for me to go out and get a job so now I can stay home with the kids. I am pretty excited about this because it just seems to be the best of all my worlds. The biggest problems are the flimsy nature of online schools and there relative disrespect in the education community and my ability to stay full-time in a completely online environment. I don't know the answers to those questions nor do I really know how to get the answers. Since I am not really pursuing this degree to provide a career, I am not as concerned with the first two and as for me completing full-time credits, I am not confident about that at all, but I hope that I will manage, I will just have to shift some priorities around.

Who knows what will come???

I Feel Pretty...and Other Notes on my Wardrobe

Sometimes I wonder if the word "pretty" is slowly being removed from the English language in connection with humans. It seems to me like women have truly been forbidden to wear pretty things. Just watching people at the store has been an eye opener. What women feel comfortable shopping in is amazing. We have quite an "eclectic" group in Olympia and seeing the outfits that these young women put together makes me worry about woman-kind in general. At first I was skeptical when the authors of the Ladies Against Feminism were talking about women walking around being proud to look like sloppy men, but now I am seeing some of the truth behind their words. The other day, as I was battling the skirts/dresses=modesty concept, I saw a woman who was very modestly dressed; she was wearing near knee length shorts and a tucked in t-shirt with ankle socks and tennis shoes. While there was nothing sloppy in her appearance, nor anything unmodest, the thought I had while attempting to justify her dress (as modest) was "but it's NOT feminine." The more I look around the more I see that women today have traded "feminine" for "comfortable" and they are just as trapped by it as our ancestors were by long skirts.

I have been wearing primarily skirts for a week now and I am truly happy about it. I am enjoying the feminine feeling. I want to make some dresses now. Dresses are (probably) so much easier than skirts because you only need one thing to have a complete outfit. The only major problem I know of when it comes to dresses is that they have a tendency to look frumpy when worn casually. Since I am not dressing for the ball, I want a practical wardrobe and though there are many dresses that qualify, most of them look so unfashionable and frumpy that I wouldn't want to wear it! I suppose that, as with everything, the fabric makes a huge difference and the small floral prints that are on all these dresses is a little TOO feminine for me right now. I enjoy the dresses and skirts and I have even made a slightly "frumpy" skirt, which I intended to be an everyday style skirt that I could pull on when nothing else was clean. It will achieve that very well. Now I want to extend my wardrobe by including some dresses in the same manner...something I can wear when there is nothing else to wear. I still have three skirts to make from the material I already have, so i will just make those first. The other thing that I am lacking in my wardrobe are the shirt staples. I have a few shirts (enough for a summer wardrobe) but nothing that is "lasting" or quality work. I am hoping to buy a good quality pattern to use for my shirt. Two of the skirts that I want to make are going to need specific shirts to go with them because the color palette is unique. One thing is for certain, I need to find a budget for this new hobby. I couldn't possibly go out and buy an entirely new wardrobe, yet this is what I am trying to do now! I have to incorporate things slowly. Maybe I can buy enough fabric or a pattern once a month. Maybe I should just make do for a little while longer. It's not like we have extra money to spend, even on something I see to be good and worthy. I will probably buy some "summer" fabric in a month or two when it all goes on sale and make some dresses for Jordyn next year. By buying off season fabric, you can usually get a good deal. Plus, there is a fabric store in downtown Olympia and I wonder if the prices there might be better. I don't know what it is like and I'm NOT going to take the kids there for the first time!!! Figuring out how I am going to handle the cold winter months is still up in the air. Not really for me, but for Jordyn. She wore plenty of skirts with tights last winter, but exclusively might be a little much for both of us. Yet another decision to make...

Modest, Feminine Clothing

It was only a few days ago that I received the book (that I ordered) called Passionate Housewives: Desperate for God. The title caught my attention while I was looking for a different book recommended by the book Teaching the Trivium: A Christian Guide to a Classical Education by the Bluedorns. Anyway, the Passionate Housewife book is written by two ladies and the back of the book has a picture of each of their families along with a very short blurb about each. I noticed that while looking somewhat modern, they were all wearing skirts (except the males, obviously) and I began to question that. Then, I looked into the website, www.ladiesagainstfeminism.com, which is edited and managed by one of the authors of the housewife book. It was there that I found for the first "official" time, sites and information dedicated to women who are choosing to wear skirts/dresses exclusively, especially long one (I haven't seen any that are at or above the knee). This idea intrigued me and as I began to consider it I found myself questioning EVERYTHING!!!

The first question was the obvious, why? They claimed verses that speak about women not wearing things of mens and of course, modest clothing. They (seem) to believe that the Bible speaks for women to wear dresses and skirts and a modest length is below the knees. At first I defended myself, saying that my typical wardrobe (jeans and a t-shirt) was rarely if ever, immodest. However, as I thought about it a little more I realized that my jeans are probably a little too tight (and I refuse to go a size up!!!) and my shirts are usually a little too low-cut for me to feel extremely comfortable, but since I have been judging myself against other people, they never seemed too bad. And really, they aren't too bad, but they aren't the best. However, I could still consider myself a modest dresser. One of the things that bothered me was the idea that pants were "mens clothing" because my clothing doesn't come from the men's department and who is to say that pants are exclusively men's domain? Of all the issues, this is the one that I haven't figured out yet.

Their next argument was for the visual separation of men and women, meaning women should embrace their feminine side, with dresses and skirts. This idea probably speaks more to the reasons for skirts than the idea of pants being "mens". I liked this idea very much. As I began to think about it more I realized that I have been suppressing my femininity for a long time because it just isn't acceptable. I feel like I have had people in my life who have shunned feminine things and expect the rest of us to do so also. This was a little bit freeing because as I started to consider my true feelings on the subject, I am not opposed at all to the wearing, primarily, of skirts. I think that pants are still appropriate at times, like heavy labor in the garden and planned physical activity (like going to the gym). However, even those times seems to be less that essential. I think I will always keep a pair of pants (or two) just because.

In my typical fashion, I went to the fabric store and spent a fortune on fabric to make a million different (okay, 5) floor length skirts. I want to make them and I am excited about wearing them, but then I started thinking (always a bad sign...). I have two primary fears: one, that I will look ridiculous in them and instead of looking pretty and feminine, I will look giant and lumpy. The other is that my decision will not be accepted by people close to me (like my mothers and sisters) who don't share the same beliefs. Both of these hinge on being accepted and since I don't feel like there is a strong logic behind this decision, other than the desire to appear more feminine, I feel the attacks would be coming strong and I would be unprepared to face them.

THEN, I did some more research this evening as I was cooking dinner for me and the kids about the idea of skirts and modesty and something struck me: the long skirts are an outward expression of our internal modesty. I liken it to baptism. You don't go get baptized and then hope to become a Christian since you have put on the outward signs; your heart has to change first and then you are willing to put on the outward show because it is a matter of showing your changed life. Dresses and skirts really do that for a woman; they show how her attitude has changed to reveal a humble spirit. I am, and always have been, an "anti-feminist" because I have believed, especially after my "women's history" class, that feminism has trapped women more than the traditional roles of making babies and homes ever did. Today, women are expected to excel at school, go to college, start a career, obtain large quantities of satisfaction from said career, maybe pick up a husband, pump out a few kids, but still keeping the "career-mentality" of sacrificing everything for job. Meanwhile, they are also expected to exploit their sexuality to the best of their ability when necessary and look like a Hollywood model the rest of the time!!! I think I prefer the idea of "just" staying home with my children and being a part of their lives. However, with all my "anti-feminist" thinking, I still got really caught up with the ideas and trends. Even now, there is a part of me that wants to walk away from everything and finish my degree and pursue some satisfying career. How foolish that part of me is!!!

Modesty of spirit is not something I have figured out yet. I hate to be judged a failure by my husband, even when I know full well that it is true. I pick fights constantly and have not yet figured out this "servant's heart" thing. My world revolves around me and I don't like it that way. The Bible says that serving others is a win-win situation. I agree, because the opposite is true: serving self is a lose-lose situation. Me doing whatever I want is not only not improving myself and cultivating plenty of sins, like laziness, selfishness and greed, but the other people that are forced to sacrifice are also hurt by my selfishness, mainly my children. Kids need the love and attention of their parents and being selfish deprives them of every benefit life has to offer.

So how do I change? This is my critical question. I recognize that women who are choosing to wear a long skirt even in the heat of the summer have a dedication to something larger than themselves. This is a good thing. I will make my skirts because NOT making them would be selfish at this point, since I have invested so much money. I won't be fashionable this winter, but maybe I need to take even that focus off myself and realize that looking a little frumpy or old-fashioned in an eternal light is nothing; bringing my children to know the Truth and the Way of the Lord is eternal. Long skirts might just be able to humble my spirit a little...at least I hope they will. I also hope that I enjoy wearing them!!!

Deciding to Homeschool

I missed the financial aid deadline for school, so I won't be attending St. Martin's in the Fall. As much as I would really like to go back to school and study my way to a bachelor's degree- I feel like I am being led to stay home with my kids; to actually learn to love to be around them, instead of tolerate them until bedtime. We had been talking about putting Jordyn in a preschool while I was in school. She will be 4 in August and I thought that it was time to begin some formal schooling. My version of school so far has been plenty of Dora the Explorer! Hardly educational, though she can count to 10 in Spanish! I feel like I am failing them right now, because I know that they watch WAY TOO MUCH TV and have very little tolerance for reading stories, especially Noah. I suppose he is still a little to young and fidgety to read long stories because he still listens, but he has to be "doing" something. The only problem is that he gets distracted once he starts doing something else and therefore is no longer listening. Anyway, all of this, on top of talking about divorce (mostly because I can't manage to keep the dishes and laundry clean!!!) and talking of moving, I think I just want to do what's best for my kids. I refuse to give in to the lure of divorce because I know that working out a marriage is always better than divorce. Eric is not my soul mate and I never should have married. These are big statements and I mean them. What I feel isn't completely regret, like wishing that I could go back and change it, but realizing that I didn't make a good decision in the past and determination to not further the bad decisions even if the first decision (marrying) wasn't a good one, divorcing right now does not put me back where I was 7 years ago. So I have become somewhat kid-focused right now. I am exercising more now for the kids (so I will be around when they have kids), eating healthy and wanting to do whatever it takes for them to be happy healthy kids.

Homeschooling is part of that. Jordyn seems to be a sensitive kid. It's not that she doesn't get along with her peers, because she does, but I think that kids can be incredibly mean and I think that like most kids, she is vulnerable to that. I don't think that she is emotionally ready to handle bullies and I definitely don't want her to seek after the popular crowd like I did in junior high and high school. I want her to learn where her values are and who she is in Christ first and I want her to learn these values from someone who truly has her best interest at heart. As a young girl, there are so many lessons that peers are all too willing to teach you and I don't want Jordyn to learn them. I want her to evaluate her character, not her chest size. I want Noah to learn to achieve in a safe environment. Noah might well pick up speed educationally, but right now, he's behind. That is probably because all he wants in his day is movie after movie. Still he has plenty of things that he loves to do, but when he is at a loss for something interesting to occupy him with, he turns to the TV. Not a habit I want to encourage. I want Noah to grow up to be secure, to learn how to take care of his family. I don't want him teased for things he can't control (or even things he can, for that matter!!!). There are also expectations on the young men in our society and I don't want him to believe many of the things that society tells our boys that it is okay to do. I want both kids to have a substantial grounding in the Scripture and I want their values formed by that more than their peers or society.

All that said, HOW AM I EVER GOING TO HOMESCHOOL??? Not only am I unsure about what curriculum I want to use (more on that later), I am concerned about how on earth I will manage to not kill them during the course of the day!!! As much as I love my children, no one else is as capable as they are in the art of driving me crazy. How do I manage to keep control and how do I fill my days? I suppose a very good way is to figure out how and when I am going to get out of the house-both with kids and alone, what my schedule is going to be, and how I will be supported. The biggest thing that I am thinking about are the actual methods and curriculum to choose. Five years from now I will probably laugh at my current angst because I will have learned that curriculum and methodology can change from one year to the next and I am still in the mindset that this is a one-time decision. That once I choose a handwriting program, I have to stick with it forever. What on earth am I going to use for grammar? Is it more important to be fun or rigorous? Am I going to be a better teacher if I have someone else's lesson plan in front of me or one that I have created myself?

I am seriously considering three different styles of homeschooling right now: Sonlight's prepackaged complete curriculum which makes homeschooling incredibly simple for me, but doesn't necessarily give me complete control over what my children are using in each subject (they only have a choice of 3 handwriting curriculums and my favorite is not among them), but I know it works and even though it might not be my favorite method, I know that it's do-able, Christian based, and thorough. One of my other choices is Tapestry of Grace. TOG is a unit-study curriculum that takes most of it's methods from the classical and Charlotte Mason methods. The parent is required to do a significant amount of the choosing, but they point you in the right direction with your choices. It is set up to be repeatable, so that I will only have to buy the four different sets and then I will repeat it 3 different times as the kids age at more depth each time. Since it follows the classical approach, I know that it is going to be rigorous and that is really something I desire for my kids. However, since it is a unit-study approach, I can always add and subtract, plus I can teach multiple levels at one time. When Noah starts formal schooling, Jordyn will probably be about 2 years ahead of him and he will be able to just jump in with assignments that are tailored to him. Sonlight does this to a certain extent, but it seems like it might be a little more difficult. I have already ordered my Sonlight catalog even though I can read it online because I much prefer to do my reading in print and I wanted to look more into Tapestry of Grace. One other major concern is that TOG doesn't have a pre-school program and Sonlight does. However, the basis of Sonlight's curriculum is literature, so the preschool program is essentially a book list with some developmental books added for good measure. Where they excel is in the teacher's guide which helps clueless parents like me tie it all together. TOG also has good parent/teacher guides, but again, no preschool program-though they do allow for children to start their program at a Kindergarten level, though I assume that you would just extend the first unit for two years and start the second unit during what would be second grade.

The last thing that I am considering is to go it alone: that is to use a classical approach to homeschooling- specifically the book, The Well-Trained Mind, by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise. I will probably need a few other books if I decide to take this route; there are a few books on designing your own classical curriculum and one in particular about Christian Classical Homeschooling that I consider an essential. Combining all of those resources, I think that I could do a good job of creating a personal program- TWTM is probably sufficient with all their suggestions and resource selections. They are probably the number one source right now for parents attempting a classical homeschool. I would be surprised if a family were classically homeschooling without owning this book. However, I am a little intimidated by it. I have read it over and over again and I am a little concerned with just the amount of information presented. In many ways, it seems like the authors consider some of the information common sense and perhaps it is, but it isn't common practice and therefore, I am finding it a little difficult to attempt some things. The other thing is that my view of the way this style should be meted out is a little like a cold schoolhouse with the children chained to their chairs. Obviously, that is the LAST thing I want to accomplish with homeschooling- instead I want to create children who love to learn and know how to learn. The last bit there is extremely important to me! I love to learn new things and because I am a good reader can learn most things THAT INTEREST ME, but tell me to learn something from a book that doesn't interest me or is slightly above my natural level and I falter. I don't think that I learned well (enough) HOW to learn. These are skills, not desires or inclinations. Learning is part of life and often times you are required to learn something that you don't necessarily want to learn. I want my children to be able to successfully learn new things, but also be able to carefully interpret them according to their worldview. I don't want them to be swayed by whatever the newest research is, I want them to go searching for the rest of the story and figure out how what they have learned fits in with what they already know and believe. I honestly believe that classical education is the best way to go about doing that, but I think that classical education can be poorly suited to someone who is tactically minded, for example, and craves physical involvement to learn something new. I think that Jordyn might enjoy physical activity in her lessons, though I think that she is well suited to the classical approach. I can't see Noah sitting still long enough to write his name, let alone learn something. Time will tell with Noah though, and changing his habits from TV watching/wandering to books and playing will probably help.

TOG seems to be a pretty good compromise of all my goals, so I am pretty interested in finding out more. I might just order the Pre-K program through Sonlight just for the quality books and schedule for this year. This year is pre-school; next year I will want to develop a better program for Jordyn's kindergarten because that is the year that she needs to learn to read, and read well. So, we start this year. She is already interested in knowing her letters, but she seems to be a little spacey when asked to recall any of the information. I can't tell if she truly doesn't know or if she is just playing. How to include serious behavior as part of the school routine eludes me as of yet. I think that I will start with creating "school-time" for the first 30 minutes of Noah's nap and then require quiet time of her in her room. I will probably get some books on tape for her to listen to during this time instead of the typical movie. That should be a pretty good preschool start...no matter what program I choose in the end!

Bad Mommy!

**This is a disturbing rant on my part about my mothering "skills." If you think that it is going to be too offensive for you or change your opinion of me, please don't read it. All of the things that I mention in here are being worked on and changed. Originally I published this only as "private" but I want other people to know that they are not the only ones who struggle with successful mothering. Above all, my children know that I love them and I always will.

Why are mothers constantly plagued with guilt? It seems like there is not a thing that I am going to do right in my kids' lives; no matter what choices I make, they are going to end up messed up and incomplete and they are going to have every right to blame me for it. Why? And why do I automatically accept this guilt, recognize it and allow it as though it were some prize?

I know I'm not going to win "mother of the year" and I know that I will probably never be as good a mother as my mother was to me, but why do I feel insecure all the time about the skills that I have as a mother? Is it just my insecurity in general or am I subconsciously admitting to a lack of parenting prowess? Is my guilt justified?

This isn't exactly a new thought and I am confident that I am not the only mother who feels the same way. In fact, several months back I bought a book called, Motherhood: The Guilt That Keeps On Giving, by Julie Ann Barnhill. I never read it because at the same time I bought another parenting book from the same author that dealt with anger. Though I never finished the book (in fact I barely started it) it has stuck with me and I think I have made some changes, though I know I haven't made enough.

I want my kids to grow up happy and healthy with a sincere love of Christ as their personal Lord and Savior. I want them to be well adjusted and confident, intelligent and capable. So far, I feel like I have laid groundwork for lazy, unintelligent beings who only attempt at obedience yet are incapable of achieving the lofty goals that have been set by their authoritative parents. I don't think they feel safe or wanted at home, in fact most of the time they are sent away to their rooms to watch a movie on the small set they each have in their room. A TV, in a toddler's room??? I don't know how to teach them, at their level, even the most basic of things. I fight with their father in front of them until they are confused and upset and yet I don't know how to change. These kids are not going to grow up the way that I want them to and I'm the one who can change that, yet I don't know how.

The answer that came to me is this, "Lose yourself in them." A thought that I've had before, in reference to my mother. She lost herself raising us girls and now that we're gone she feels like she has nothing. We all see her enormous skills and talents, but she feels like she is worthless. I never wanted to lose myself like that. I somehow thought that I could be a stay-at-home mom and still keep my identity. I would be able to sleep in, read books, watch movies and "work" on the computer all day long. Sure, I get up to feed them when they mention that they are hungry or I am ready for a nap, since I know that feeding prior to a nap ensures a better nap for them. Am I even a parent? Maybe the reason I always feel like their babysitter is that I am their babysitter. I am not the one that is invested in their education or training. I am merely marking time until I can do something else. But how to change this? Everyone says that it is easy, that you just include them in what you are doing, but what I do is a solitary activity and doesn't want help, in fact their version of "helping" only frustrates me further and then I dispatch them to their rooms to watch a movie. Oh when they were babies and required so little! I was able to continue my activities because they would sleep most of the day. I would hold them and nurse them and pray over them. Sometime between 15 months and 24 months, that changed. Now they require constant stimulation and activity and unless I am prepared and am doing it with them, they are restless and the only thing that seems to entertain them is a movie. They ask, and I provide. But every time I turn on that TV in Jordyn or Noah's room, I feel like a piece of me is dying. They aren't happier because of it, I'm not happier because of it. The only thing is it is easier. It requires no thought, no planning, no skill and IT WORKS!!! If only it didn't work.

I have an idea: I can start the day with a movie. I usually have a hard time getting up and ready, so the movie is easy distraction while the family rises. We eat breakfast, they get dressed (since I showered right away), and we do some morning chores. The movie will still be on, probably, so they can either watch or join in my chores. I don't have too many chores to do when I do them on a daily basis, so this should be easy. After that, we can have "active time". They can choose an activity from a jar that usually requires activity. Examples are: play a game, play outside, sing songs, take a walk, ride bikes, go shopping or to the park...whatever. I really don't want to commit a lot of time to this activity, but some of them are long (like shopping or the park). When we get done with active time, we can have quite time, again they can choose from a jar things like, read a story, practice in a workbook, do a craft, bake something, play a quiet game. After that, it will probably be time for lunch and naps. In the afternoon we can follow the same pattern....

Hmm, wonder if that would work...I'll have to find out.